His third match report of the year…this is getting worrying – it’s a good job he’s facing a massive fine/ban for honouring another society ahead of the Captain’s Matchplay…
Major Victory for Miller Completes Weekend of British Sporting Excellence
Miller bursts his WHV Major cherry, the President takes a pounding and Wiggo wheels in!
This year’s Presidents Classic brought something new – a much deserved and first time major win for this season’s form horse Miller; and something rather more familiar – the President’s ‘team’ taking yet another total pounding in the associated (if a little confusing and poorly communicated) Ryder cup format.
The Warwickshire always provides a top class venue for this most cherished of WHV majors. Returning to this high quality venue each and every year for a full day and 36 holes of golf gives this event a Masters type feel. It it holds a special place in the affections of all past and present WHV members. So a lovely sunny day and the stage was set for this most cherished of events.
The writing was on the wall for our illustrious President very early on as Noz exacted revenge for his freak defeat (his own words) in the matchplay event last month by tattering the Pres in the opening match, taking all 3 points for his team. Things did not improve for the Pres as Aust and Juice went round in 73 to take all 3 points against the Donk and Wolley. A similar clean sweep for the ex-Captain’s side was denied Miller and Gregs due to poor communication of the crazy rules. Anyway the duo won 3 and 2, took the front 9, but halved the back 9 to give the Pres his only half point of the morning. Some pretty decent hitting from Miller, who carried the TD for much / all of that morning victory, was fair warning for the fireworks later in the day.
And so to the main event, the second of the year and arguably the most special of WHV majors, with the stage well and truly set for the greatest WHV player never to win a major to finally take up his starring role. Questioned about this inexplicable barren major streak, Miller could not put his finger on any one particular reason:
“Well it’s probably been a mixture of me playing shit which in turn is explained by the Board having their collective hands in my pockets, wallet and bank account the whole fooking time. And not in a good way either. In my pockets I mean.”
With 35 stapleforth points round the famously difficult and lengthy Earls course, it was a typically emphatic victory for the boy Millers, his third of the season, with Aust rolling in second on 31 points and the rest of the boys strung out miles behind.
When questioned at the finish Miller was again typically humble and magnanimous, this time drawing parallels to the feats of Bradley Wiggins:
“A generation defining, once in a lifetime achievement of absolute sporting excellence? I’ll say. I had to get up at 6.50 with no snoozes, pick up Juice (who has moved to a new gaff), get to the course and play 36 holes with a load of spazwit morons boring me to tears all day. That other bloke just went for a bit of a cycle round France as I understand it.”
When asked for his comments on such a monumental and ground breaking day for British sport, cycling hero Wiggo stated:
“This is a remarkable achievement form the boy Miller. It is breathtaking what he has done and this day, Saturday 21st July 2012, will live long in the anals of British sporting history. I am only glad that I could contribute in some small way by winning that bike riding thing in France. I do mean anals and not annals by the way. Chris Gregory will appreciate that.”
Commenting upon the nature of sinister outside influences, corruption and cheating that both sportsmen have had to overcome to deliver their remarkable triumphs, Wiggins went on to state:
“The impact of these dark forces on cycling is well documented, but is as nothing compared to the institutional thievery and financial skulduggery from the WHV Board that the boy Miller has had
to contend with. Staring down and defeating that evil stain on the sport, in addition to winning on the course, is what makes Miller’s achievement all the more remarkable. For example, have you guys managed to locate and / or explain the £3,682 that went missing, in cash, from the society bank account in October 2011 just before your President went on holiday?”
The boy Miller echoed these sentiments in stating:
“Wiggo is absolutely right and we have spoken about this at great length. Today was a victory for cleanness in sport and sends a very strong message to those who believe that stealing off your mates and then attempting to cover it all up with fancy pastel cell coloured spreadsheets is ok.”
This victory, unlike the boy Miller’s 2 other victories this season, was not always plain sailing. Indeed Aust was standing on the 15th tee 2 shots in the lead, looking good (if you like that kind of niche thing) and feeling confident of claiming victory in the event. However, 3 holes later and Aust was reduced to a ball throwing temper tantrum little baby by Miller’s strong finish. Miller seemed a little confused when questioned on the ugly scenes at the side of the 17th green:
“Are you sure he threw it? His ball seemed perfectly capable of finding the bushes all on its own over the last few holes. I agree though, it really must be tough to have victory within your grasp, 3 holes to go, take 8 on a par 4 where you get 2 shots and then 4 putt a par 3. Shame.”
As if the major and ryder cup victory cake needed further icing, this was supplied by Miller taking GambleGibbon for another £35, backing himself at 6/1 to break his major duck. Millers net GambleGibbon position is now £65 in credit for the season, which compares favourably to the deficit position of the bookmaker himself, who is happily now in serious financial difficulty. When asked if this made up for the continuing money thieving antics and paltry prize money to entry money ratios indulged by the Board, Miller stated:
“A bit. I anticipate that this first major, the ryder cup win, and my other 2 wins this season will cement 6th position on the OoM and provide sufficient financial resources to buy a newspaper and pint of milk from the co-op. In December. Probably.”