Here is the match report from Boycie/Magnum

Attendances:-  Dougal Baxter (Pres, At least for one day), Chris Gregory (TD), Andrew Austin (Aust), Michael Allsopp, Pete Ash, Neil Kelford (Big Nelly) , Robert Hall (Idiot), Steve Harding (Boycie/aka Magnum), Simon Harrison (Donk), Adam Hogarth, Bruce Hopkin (Juice), Paul Millmore,(Millers(Tin-tin)), Paul Wolstenholme (Woolley), Neil Marriot (Little Nelly), Tom Smith, William Spittle (Noz).

Firstly I am sure that everyone will agree with me a special thanks to last year’s winner and President, Dougal Baxter for an amazing choice of venues and accommodation and as usual his excellent organisation of this year’s event. Even if he did only manage to play one day of the two day CJ event to avoid being divorced.

This being my first ever CJ weekender event as well as my first time ever playing on a links course (I believe a first for WHVGS also) so I was really looking forward to it. I think I can speak for all 16 members who attended that it was a very successful weekend and that we were privileged to play 2 magnificent courses. Well done and thank you Dougal for arranging.

Well after the glorious Friday sunny afternoons golf at the Princes, along with the expected wind for a links course for the Amy Austin, and the fine dining at the lodge accommodation, on the evening.(including 3 baskets of bread rolls) along with two bottles of port carefully de-cantered and kindly purchased by Pete? After the individual speeches by all before each glass followed by a few more pints and a game of killer pool we were all prepared for a good night sleep before embarking on the additional 9 holes on the Himalayas at Princes before embarking on day one of the CJ down the road at the Royal Cinque Ports (RCP).

Saturday morning arrived following what can only be described as continual rain and thunderstorms throughout the night, (but even this couldn’t drown out Greggor’s snoring and Millers actually moving his mattress into the living room area to get some sleep, where the maids actually made it as well). The relentless rain fails to even stop, whilst everyone makes a dash to the dining room for their breakfast. The main topic of discussion for those who were able to talk was to decide if they were going to play the additional 9 holes that Dougal had managed to get thrown in with his deal which would be the 2nd nine of the final round of the CJ.

Millers and Greggor’s were definitely not playing even with no rain but a few others were considering playing like myself if not only to at least get a look at the holes we would be playing the next day. But the rain had already caused lying water on the green next to the lodge and didn’t look like stopping. A few still decided to go and drive down to the clubhouse but alas the course was closed and so no-one got to play in the morning. Dougal worryingly made a call to the RCP and was dismissed by the club shop as if the course would be closed and why? With the forecast predicting sunshine in the afternoon we all set off early to RCP to have a look around the club and see what conditions were like as it did look slightly brighter over that way.

Some followed the Sat Nav directions through the town centre but others took the coast road which due to the flooded road surface from the constant rain had its hidden pot holes to contend with (not an issue for me and big Nelly as we were in Millers car) but this route was 20 minutes quicker. We arrived at the RCP and passed the members only, tarmacked parking area and parked in the signposted visitor’s, field. The club is strewn with tradition and the key pad entrance code being the date it was formed.


Inside the changing rooms some elderly members who were not averse to parading around like Greggors in their birthday suits were talking about Scotland’s independence and coming out with get the c**t Salmon down here and see what he has to say in a rather posh voice.

Well it was nearly time to begin, the revised handicaps following the Amy Austin were given out by Donk and the balls thrown up for the pairings by the Pres. (You are only allowed to play 4 balls on a RCP on a Tuesday afternoon) so everyone was paired up and raring to go. The pairings were Greggs and Woolley, Tom and Big Nelly, Noz and Rob, Donk and Pete, Juice and Aust, Boycie and Little Nelly, Doug and Ads and Mike and Millers. The first tee shot is described in the course planner as being to a generous fairway but fails to note that the clubhouse, member’s car park and pro shop are on the right hand side.

A few people had teed off then Rob (idiot) took an iron for safety and hooked it left into the rough so the then, a former low man of the Society and the 4th best handicapper on tour, hits a “safety” provisional and slices it right hitting the roof of the Pro shop with members walking into the car park. (Dougal is glad he has paid and has all the cards in his hand and no worries about handicap certificates)

Well the prolonged rain stopped and the sun came out and there was just a small sea breeze to tend with. Even with a pro’s tip course card it was difficult to locate some of the tees and even see the fairway you were looking to hit so it was important to see where the guys in front went. A great course which if it had been windy I’m sure would have made it even more complicated. Everyone completed the course said how great it was and what a good choice by Dougal even with bunkers twice the height of little Nelly

The halfway scores were in and the top group that would be out last on the final day were Juice as the overnight leader on 40 points one ahead of Boycie (yourstruely) 39, and four ahead of Noz 36, and eight ahead of Donk 32.

The Shark (nearest the pin) went to Donk

The Big Dog (longest drive) to Doug

The Hulk (longest drive) was won by Donk

So everyone is in the clubhouse discussing the course and scores and then talk turns to where we should go for the evening’s festivities, as the Pres has said his goodbyes and left everyone to organise this ourselves and Sandwich appears to be the choice but Millers is adamant he wants to go to Ramsgate and throws a strop. A few openly ask, who can only be described as the gorgeous hostess behind the bar where one would go to get for some food and evening entertainment. She points us in the way of Deal and Millers eventually compromises and agrees that Deal should be ok.

It’s agreed to meet in reception at 7.30 to get two minibus taxis. The first taxi leaves and some banter takes place on the way. We await the 2nd taxi and eventually get to Deal to meet the first gang who have told us to meet them in the “microbrewery pub” where it is clear no mobile phones are allowed, with them all being nailed to the wall with a six inch nail, but purportedly does great traditional ales.


After a pint we decide it’s time to eat. 15 guys walk through Deal to the steakhouse on a Saturday night with no booking and yes sorry unable to accommodate without a booking. So we go to the curry house who can only fit us in at 9.30. We all trudge back to a pub we had passed earlier with a pool table a dart board and juke box and no-one else in it (always a good sign on a Saturday evening). You would have thought that this would have been great news to the barmaid with the first round of £48. But no I don’t think she had heard of customer relations and the customer is always right but Greggor’s soon lets her know this and points the errors of her ways which winds her up and she refuses to serve him. Miller’s has a game of darts with Donk as his partner but despite hitting a 180 and 112 finish they lose 2 games to 1 to Rob and me. Juice and a few others are hitting the pool table whilst Greggors is gyrating to music from the jukebox. (Not a pretty sight)

rose hotel


We leave for the curry house Woolley, Little Nelly and Noz head off to the Steakhouse rather than the curry and Tom goes to get something by himself. Tom returns to the curry house and likes Greggor’s meal and orders another meal for himself.

Juice as overnight leader manages to eat some of his starter with the extend-a-fork but then manages to break it beyond repair!!!!! (Does this warrant a fine?). We all have finished Noz and the steakhouse boys have joined us when Irish John hits on us. Greggor’s gets him to sing an Irish song and listen to some of the B*ll S**t coming from his mouth and he offers us to join his party with his kilo of coke and expensive bottle he has purchased that day at auction for £175k. He orders a his taxi to his address which is quickly checked out and Googled by the Donk , (127 College Road ) and is the town house (pictured) around the corner !!!

irish john

A few of us head off back to the lodge whilst the rest remain in a pub on the seafront where a few Sambuca’s’, Blue Vodka and Absinthe are downed. Juice is heard shouting Boycie wake up as he returns to the lodge to try and disturb his sleep.

So to the final round, this was going to be an interesting day with anyone in the final group in with a chance of winning and becoming the 2014 CJ winner. The final day’s groupings were group 1 TD, Idiot and Pete. Group 2 Big Nelly, Little Nelly, Mike and Millers. Group 3 Ads, Tom, Woolley and Aust and the final group was Me, Juice, Donk & Noz with Juice just having a 1 point lead over me


sunday first teesome nonce

Everyone on the first tee of the final round of the CJ. What are those nee length socks Miller’s is wearing? Is he playing golf or in panto? Noz not looking to get lost in those orange trousers.

Well we are on the first tee and haven’t seen anyone hit the ball over the bunker onto the first fairway yet. Noz hits a great shot and Donk follows along with me following them both onto the fairway leaving Juice last to hit. Can he take the pressure? He pulls his shot left into the rough and blobs on the first. After 3 holes he has blown his lead and scored only 1 point and Noz has moved to 43 points and is joint leader with me and Donk is level with Juice on 41points, so still all to play for.

From here on in I hit form and started to score well and despite trying to break my spirit for about 14 holes, including getting me to rip my strides on a barbed wire fence looking for Bruce’s ball, I maintained my composure and continued to drive well hitting the fairways.

After 9 holes I had managed to gain a 4 point lead over Noz and it was looking a bit like a two horse race but Donk was still playing some great golf but had to give shots to us all. The 15th was the last hole Noz had two shots on and I had already hit the fairway well beyond the bunker. Noz went for it and hit into the rough just by the tee and despite finding his ball he struggled to get back out onto the fairway. Donk and Bruce decided to take the shorter route and down the rough on the right hand side. I made par and practically had the CJ in my hands.

On the par 3 sixteenth Noz and Bruce both his perfect shots onto the green I had just gone through the green on the left and Donk was through the back facing an awkward chip back up the slope. I managed to chip to within three feet and make par and practically had the Jug in my hands.

It was felt that Noz then made a tactical blob on the 35th hole of the Jug, perfectly acceptable as the CJ was already mine, to set himself up for his most important shot of the year – he duly delivered (although we were all somewhat confused on the tee by a bouncing celebrating Gibbon hurtling down the fairway – we were dreading the prospect of a Gibbon Hulk) but he was merely celebrating his bet that Tom’s drive would be beaten and so Noz retained the Hulk.

With the result already in the bag I then managed to hit a poor second shot and put it into the largest bunker you’ll ever see, but I managed to wedge it out onto the green and two put for a good bogie 5 and the congratulations of the boys.

A special mention to Miller’s who managed to win back some of his money he had squandered on backing me to win the Amy Austin which I duly lost on the count back after missing a two and half foot put on the last, but still backing me to win the CJ at 13/2.

The final scores for the CJ 2014 were:-                      1st Round           2nd Round          Total

Boycie/Magnum     2014 Claret Jug Winner                     39                        39                   78 Points

Noz                            Runner up                                             36                        34                   70 Points

Donk                          3rd Place                                                32                        35                   67 Points

Bruce                         4th Place                                                40                        24                   64 Points

Boycie                       Sunday Shark (Nearest the pin)

Idiot                            Sunday Big Dog (Longest Drive)

Noz                            Sunday Hulk- the longest drive

Boycie                       King of the par 3s

Donk                          King of the par 5s after count back with Tom


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