Presented with minimal fanfare by the winner….
Noz Learns the True Meaning of Chocking as Super Miller Adds the Donk Download to his Glittering WHV Career Win List
It’s been a little while, but Miller is back in the WHV Golf Society winners enclosure once again. This time adding the Donk Download to his impressive catalogue of tournament wins.
Following closely on the heels of the most exciting, new and innovative event on tour, The Miller Mind Twist, The Donk Download was hosted at the splendid West Midlands golfing complex in Barston. A stunning venue for a truly great WHV event, crowning it’s winner with the best trophy on tour, the magnificent Donk Monstrosity that adds value and character to any living room / man cave.
It is fitting in an Olympic week that WHV’s premier athlete, embodying as he does the fitness and endurance side of the golfing art, that Miller triumphed in such spectacular fashion.
Miller was quick to build on the obvious Olympic parallels to his latest triumph:
“Today was about endurance, prime physical conditioning and mental toughness. Yes, yes, Justin Rose won the official Olympic golf tournament, but he didn’t have to play 36 holes in a day did he? Single rounds in a day. Easy. Not the same thing as competing in the Mind Twist and then delivering at the Donk Download just an hour later. Not the same thing at all.”
Er, yes, but other Olympic athletes perform twice in a day?
“Exactly and of course Usain and I have spoken, I was one of the first to congratulate him on his double treble, terrible double or whatever it was, but at the end of the day it was just legging it about for a few seconds. Hardly the same as what I have achieved today. Usain knows that.”
But surely you can’t be comparing Olympic achievements to hacking a golf ball round a couple of fields very slightly less badly than a handful of your mates, one of whom fell apart physically, one who fell apart mentally, and another who chose to miss the afternoon entirely in preference to taking part in the Leamington Spa Gay Pride event?
Miller responded with typically insightful words of unparalleled wisdom:
“You are right, but the paucity and horrendously poor quality of the competition should not detract from my achievements here today. Gay Pride in Leamington you say? I had no idea that was an option this afternoon, no one tells me anything. I heard he was riding on a float, or being ridden on a float, or something like that. Sounds terrible, truly awful. I can’t believe that he chose to miss the Donk Download for something like that. Do you think they will still be there now?”
The victory was anything but straight forward for young Miller. The fantastic West Midlands links were very windy, blustery, and as our ever thoughtful weather girl Dug Baxter was fond of pointing out multiple times for days in advance, there was always the slight threat of rain during the afternoon.
It really was a case of waterproofs on, waterproofs off, waterproofs on, waterproofs off etc etc multiple times during the course of the afternoon. Or if you are Boyce, a case of trousers half off then collapse on the floor whilst having a mini-stroke. This was a shocking attempt to put Miller off on the Dog the hole, the imposing 13th at West Mids.
Recounting the issue playing partner and second placed pony Martin Currier stated:
“Naturally Boycie is no stranger to taking his trousers off in a field. It is just that he has normally consumed half a pint Flunitrazepam just before, and is enjoying the company nazi skin heads and various biker gangs. On this occasion it was a crazy attempt to put the magnificent Miller off in his attempt to win the Dog.”
The despicable tactics from the mustachioed one did no work, and Miller duly caned his drive over 300 yards to claim the Dog for the 3rd time this season on his way to a nail biting overall victory. He couldn’t add the shark for a clean sweep, that was won by Donko as the only one to hit the marquee 18th green at the glorious links.
Once again, Miller was more than generous whilst recalling his massive Big Dog victory:
“With Juiceo in SwissLand at the moment and Ronno also away from us on long term vacation in StropLand, I have owned the Big Dog. It is mine. A formality. The Dog is now in its rightful place. In my bag. Forever.”
This was a hard fought, tough, come from behind victory for Miller. Not his usual romp away with it and win by miles type of triumph. 13 points on the front 9 and out in 49 blows was not a great start. Indeed, all of the field was ahead of Miller at this point.
All of the field that were still on the course that is. The one that had run home crying about some sort of side or hip pain, or just generally broken down like some sort of little girl, was not ahead of Miller. He was hanging his head in shame, woefully short of the physical conditioning that has enabled Miller to claim this new title and perform at this level. But luckily Mike had already paid in full for the whole day before creeping off home like a baby.
As it turned out the poor front 9 was just Miller toying with the field. The back nine was completed in 39 blows, 21 points were accumulated and Miller’s gross score was only 4 over the course. This included going out of bounds on the 15th and in the water on the 18th.
The style and panache of this victory were not lost on the field. Society President Dug Baxter commented:
“Miller coming from behind and loving the back nine? Who would have thought it? We are all in total shock. The only surprise is he wasn’t with Special K this afternoon on the Gay Pride float indulging in precisely the same set of behaviours. I actually think that this is my fault for behaving like a total fool on WhatsApp and winding the poor bloke up. I’ve let myself down and I’ve let the whole Society down. I simply cannot apologise enough. Again. Why does this keep happening? I know it’s wrong but I can’t help it. I need help, I really do.”
Martin Currier finished in second with 33 points, just one point behind Magnificent Miller, with comedy stripping clown Boyce in 3rd on the same number. Donko was 4th in his own event on 31 points – the lowest finish for a while for this most consistent of WHV performers.
Commenting on his last place with a disgusting 27 points, Society President Dug Baxter stated:
“So, Miller has won a poorly attended minor event, received very few ranking points for his trouble, about 5 sniffs in prize money and had his handicap cut by a full shot into the bargain. I on the other hand have another poor round in the bank, my handicap is rising nicely for the CJ and I leave here with £112.50 in cash. Just remind me, who won again?”
At this point we must spare a thought for the 5th placed finisher in the event, Mr William ‘Noz’ Spittle. Sitting on 29 points with 3 holes to play, Noz only had to net-par in for an easy victory. But rather than do that, he chose to do a ‘Monty in the US Open’ impression and blob all of the holes to finish on 29 points.
When questioned on this unfortunate turn of events for the hapless Mr Spittle, Magical Miller was typically magnanimous and offered some empowering and encouraging words of wisdom to help Noz overcome his problems in the future:
“I know. It’s hilarious. A few weeks ago he didn’t know what chocking was. Now he is a world leading expert, giving lectures on the subject and is inundated by requests to talk about the fine art of chocking from all quarters. That will learn him.”