Match Report – 2017 Web Donk Download

Posted on
Suffering from Mid August scheduling, and following the Mindtwist – the Download is becoming part of a longer day than the President’s. Except my golf watch says the round took well under four hours, which is a bit of a novelty for WHV. Granted, just six hardy souls tee’d it up at West Mids. Sicknote Miller cried off. PK had a go go dancing job. Donk, Noz, Boyce, Juice, Gregs and Pete were the challengers.
Once again, the magnificent golden trophy was absent – assumed to be somewhere at Aust’s dad’s house.
West Mids was, well, what you expect. I don’t mind it – the greens weren’t terrible and the knobhead count was very low. We even had a member in our midst. This is the 6th time we’ve used West Mids as a venue – the only repeat winner happens to be one Mr Milmore, wonder why he booked us in here?
Anyway, Noz was feeling his usual fit self, and had gone for a buggy – this is after riding shotgun with Sicknote Miller in the morning. Members will know I have been struggling signficantly with my own back for a while, leading to some uncharacteristically low scores and a lot of heavy duty pharmaceuticals to numb the pain – so I gladly hopped into Noz’s wagon. This meant poor Pete was trudging on his own in our three. The other three, teeing off first, were Juice, Boyce and the WMGC member himself – trying to fudge a proper card in.
I started with a six, happy days. At least this event saw me back up to 12, gaining back a stroke from penalties for previous wins. Things ticked along nicely enough for the Captain – couple of pars, birdie on the fourth – saw me to the turn in 41 shots, keeping enough of a lead over Noz to keep him interested but not in full wind up mode. A disappointing double on another short hole on the back nine annoyed me, and I shanked a nine iron on the 17th – particularly aggravating as I had a chance at breaking 80. In the end it was an 81, for 39 points – three clear of Noz, with Gregs in third. Typical, probably going to get cut for winning a six man event worth 12 RPs, and where the trophy I’d bought wasn’t available. My watch says I was on 8 Greens in Regulation and took 32 putts.
Anyway – Noz out drove me on the dog by about a yard, 270 or so. And Boyce won the shark on the island green, and was useless at telling the 2nd group if they were wet or dry.
Here are some pictures – the benefit of being in the Donk group is that you will get some helpful swing shots to analyse. I will also do some work on some slow mo action.

Match Report – 2017 Milmore Mindtwist

Posted on

On behalf of the winning team – The Captain, The Professor, The Juice and The Boyce

For the second year, the society returned to Royal Widney Manor to contest the Mindtwist – again, either by fortune or design, 8 members lined up for the team event. The sponsor wandered into the ‘clubhouse’ later than most, looking very very sorry for himself and his poorly back. He opted for a buggy as his crippling pain was alleviated by sitting down. I don’t like to compare the pain tolerance of the product of a strong Northern house to one from a lesser Midland based house, but I have been experiencing similar back/disc issues for nearly 2 years now and have still managed to compete using a combination of drugs and willpower – I am sure his injury will be much worse than mine when the details are in.

The teams were determined via ball toss – only Donk and PK from the winning team last year were present. PK didn’t have to do and shake his money maker at Leamington Pride midway through the round this time, but he wasn’t able to make the afternoon round. He was paired with our sicknote sponsor, tour leader Noz and new member of WMGC/RWMGC, Mr C Gregory. The Captain was teamed up with the current holder of the Green Jacket, steady away Steve and Glory or Bust juice.

Miller explained the ‘pay on the day’ bounties for gross birdies, eagles and hitting the greens with drives on Par 4’s, and we were away. We saw the first team celebrate a birdie on the first, then let a pair of older female members through on the first, before loading up – Juice melted a three wood to the edge of the green…


And from there it continued – Boyce was a machine on the less than perfect putting surfaces of the front nine – we were six under at the turn. For a while, we were worried about getting all of four of the Prof’s drives away, but that turned out not to be too troubling. The card of the round is shown below, compared to the 2016 winning round. Opening with an Eagle helps, but eight under is still pretty good shooting on a wet and wild day.


Back in the shed, the sponsors team were soundly beaten by four shots, but took both of the ‘Nearest the Pin’ prizes, despite a bit of a cock up on the actual holes being contended – i.e. the sponsors team forgot to mark on the first Mindtwist Shark hole, and then on the mental arithmetic used to work out the prize money, but we all enjoyed our pies. The winning team were all presented with a commemorative Arnold Palmer badge to be worn at the Jarra de Plata.

I was wearing DonkCam for the round, which provides some random fun shots



Match Report : 2016 President’s Classic

Posted on

Provided in late January by Mr Thomas Jimenez of Manchester

A merry band of seven (Pres, Noz & PK (the Presidents team) and Donk, Woolly, Aust and Tom (Donks team)) arrived early at the Warwickshire for The Presidents 2016.

A quick round of bacon butties and the starter set us off on the first tee on the Kings Course for the mornings individual Stapleforth matches.

An eventful mornings golf included Pres. striking the ball like a knife through the wind and a crow stealing a bacon buttie from the back of a buggie, serviette and all and feasted on it with its mates at a teasing, but safe distance.

In the first Stapleforth fourball, a notional Pres played, and lost to Woolly, and Noz played and beat Aust. In the second fourball, PK played and halved with Donk, and a real Pres played and lost to Tom. I hope thats clear?

Personally ive no-idea. I never quite worked it out. The shark was so fiercely contested on a two tier green by Pk and Donk that it ended in a tie. Four puts later, the first two ending up further from the hole than they started after failing to get up the slope, Pk finally holed out. He was happy about that.

Totting up the scores over a lunch of ham, egg and chips the scores were Presidents team 1 1/2, Donks team 2 1/2 and Tom bagged the Presidents with 34 stapleforth points.

Teeing off on the Earls Course for the afternoons entertainment, Team Donk were confident in their one point lead. Aust and Tom went off first, playing Noz and a real Pres, followed by Donk and Wooly playing PK and a notional Pres. Pres however shape shifted halfway around to play with PK, largely I recall due to having got irritated with Noz’s game.

The mood in Team Pres was low and Team Donk capitalised on this with a huge 3 / 3 all square draw in the afternoon game.

Match Report : 2017 TD Memorial

Posted on

Marty the Cat, welcome to the winner’s circle

so here goes, I am new to writing about a game of golf usually just talking about it in the 19th …..Saturday 1st April the sun was out, boyce and myself headed down the M40 to the Welcombe at Stratford. arriving we thought early for a change!!

we saw 3 fellow boys hitting balls on the range and decided to venture into the pro-shop. Walking around we over heard that a group were late for there tee times, it turned out to be WHV apparently greggs had got all his timings wrong, which made for a very interesting start to a game of golf as the 1st & 2nd groups of 4 both teed off eating bacon baps.

Myself in the second group with PK, JP & Boyce enjoyed a very friendly and enjoyable game of golf. On arrival at the 19th and after a few shandys and waiting for all of our groups to appear the scorecards produced 2 boys on 37 points, myself taking the win with a countback on the back nine, Boyce won nearest the pin, Donk the longest drive and Juice the straight line.

Apparently the banter in the bar suggested there would be some form of punishment for greggs in La Manga. Next trip Somerset 30th April.

The Cat.

The sponsor was the one who had to see off the foot and a half from the mouldy glass

Match Report : 2017 Captain’s Matchplay

Posted on

As provided by Boyce – a man born to wear the Ring


Here is the match report for the Captains Matchplay from Boycie aka Magnum

Attendees:- Chris Gregory (Greggors), Michael Allsopp, Pete Ash (Pedro), Steve Harding (Boycie/Magnum), Simon Harrison (Donk), Paul Millmore,(Millers/Tin-tin), William Spittle (Noz), Martin Currirer (Marty the Cat), Paul Kerr (PK).

The re-arranged date arrived and was still warm but nowhere near as hot as it was the previous week, the originally planned date (thank goodness most thought as we strolled up the lovely picturesque hills of Cleobury Mortimer Golf Club). Everyone arrived nice and early for a lovely full English breakfast and warm cuppa.

We then all headed off to the first tee digesting Donk’s instructions on how to score, and what these first nine holes meant. (This the first time I have actually managed to play in the matchplay as I have always been on holiday) In fact it became clear that the morning 9 holes were just a warm up round to assist in seeding’s for the afternoon rounds.

The morning groups were:- PK, Pedro & Noz / Donk, Millers & Greggs / The Cat, Boycie & Mike PK kicked off the day hitting the “spitfire” safely down the right-hand side of the fairway.

A good mornings golf with the winners of each group gaining 5 ranking points and seeded in separate groups in the afternoon were, Pedro, Donk & Mike

A quick ham egg and chips and gluten free option for Noz for lunch (and maybe a pint for some) before the afternoon 18 holes proper took place. However on the way to the tee PK gets a free grip for his 5 wood from the guy offering one free grip. Noz queues and get his 7 iron re-gripped but when Greggors tries to get his brand new driver re-gripped asking “which is the dearest one he can get free he was duly informed by said guy that he was only doing 7 irons – I wonder why/how Greggors managed to alienate the guy when all he wanted was the most expensive free new grip on his brand new driver!!! Miller’s then has to pay £5 to get his club re-gripped as no more free grips.

Anyhow we all moved onto the first tee with Greggors still not impressed with not getting his free grip. The groups for the first round proper were:- Boycie, Greggs & Pedro / Millers Noz & Mike / Donk, Martin & PK

Unfortunately for Pedro he seemed to have lost the game he had in the morning but it was a close game between Greggs and me with both having a chance coming up the last. We both hit good drives away and were sitting on the fairway but Greggs is about 20 yards further than me. I hit a monster 5 iron on to the green just 12 feet away putting the pressure back onto Greggs. Greggs creamed his 5 iron as well and thought he’d gone through the green only to find he was in the front greenside bunker. H managed to get out but never made par leaving me two puts for par and win the group.

A quick drink whilst we await the others before a quick turnaround into the final groups. The first group out was all those who came third in their groups –Martin, Pedro & Mike (two of the morning round winners) playing for 5 ranking points The second group out the runners up of the groups –Greggs, Millers & PK playing for 10 ranking points

The final group being the winners of the groups and so gaining 5 ranking points and now playing for 15 ranking points the captains ring, shield and envelope with cash out of the captains own pocket, in his own words to make up for having to change the date. – Boycie, Donk & Noz

It can be said that it had been a long day and that there wasn’t some of the best golf played in the final group and Noz, who had already won 2 competitions this year and was looking for his 3rd win was clearly feeling the heat and tiring and struggled with his driving. It was a close game where I did get into a quick lead but was pulled back by Donk at the half way stage but I managed to keep ahead and at the 8th hole I sealed the win which meant we were all free to have a go for the longest drive.

None of us actually managed to challenge and so we picked up our drives and walked back to the clubhouse for a well-deserved drink and the presentation.

Winners of the other groups were Martin who appeared to bring his A game to score 30 out of a possible 36 points when beating Mike and Pedro for 5 ranking points. PK beat Millers and Greggs in the second group for 10 ranking points.

Overall the ranking points won were:- Pedro 5, Donk 5+5=10, Mike 5, Noz 5, Marty 5 PK 10 and overall winner yours truly Boycie 5+15=20

The winner Boycie winning the Captains ring, Shield £15.00 and captain’s personal envelope.

The Shark £5.00 and the Dog £5.00 went to Marty the cat

WHV 100 – Return to the Winner’s Circle for Noz

Posted on

Earlier than expected given there’s a big opportunity at the end of the season, but Noz is back – his last win was at Wokefield Park. Joining the club of sponsor winners, he now has the honour of drinking from the Munich throughout Manga. Here is his match report.

5 years is a long time in the wilderness, a really long time. Jesus only spent 40 days there and people still talk about it today. Thats not to say that my achievement in winning the Spittle Shield outshines Jesus, Jesus fasted for 40 days as well whereas I enjoyed (without sharing) a very tasty Creme egg on the 9th and also a bottle of diet pepsi.

Its been a strange 5 years for me and I’m sure most people will find it hard to believe that such a competitive golfer’s last win was the Claret Jug in 2012. Of course, there have been many other notable successes in that time, winning Nozzers hulk twice, a Saturday hulk in Devon, second place in the Kent CJ to an unflappable Boyce and a second in the Cleobury Mortimer matchplay through a holed 3 foot putt by Little Nellly on the final hole. I would never blame my children for ruining my golf game over the last few years – but it is their fault. I’m intent on getting back on track this year and playing more often and getting back to a reasonable handicap.

We lined up in what was, for a Saturday in February, thoroughly decent weather. Relatively calm, relatively warm and just a really nice day to play golf. But of course we didn’t, it was cold, it was windy, it was wet and it was totally Millers fault. We actually lined up on the Sunday in a freezing weatherbomb of gale force winds because Millers was in Newcastle on the Saturday. He wasn’t though, he was in Solihull and a bit busy, so Rob didn’t play (riding his pushbike), Bruce missed Hannahs birthday and Pete had to get back to London late on a Sunday evening. I’m assuming he has personally apologised to all the people he inconvenienced because I’ve not seen anything on the numerous whatsapp groups he bombards with his unique brand of “humour”.

16 turned up for the Spittle Shield – a record for what historically is the worst tournament on the calendar. The 3 club challenge was abandoned this year, as, for the first time, we were actually playing  a decent course. I’ve always enjoyed the Arden course having played there on a few occasions with Mattie Pea when he worked there and hadn’t gone completely weird, and a chap called Trevor before he started emailing me to sign petitions to ban gay marriage. I’ll probably take us back there provided I can continue getting a decent price for a round in February.

The fun started on the 1st tee, Donk did ok with the spoon, Peds and Ron had negotiated an interesting bet with odds of 4/1  that Peds couldn’t beat Ron gross on a single hole. Peds spanked it down the middle of the fairway, and Ron overcome with nerves topped it about 100 yards. We couldn’t really see how the rest of the hole played out, but Ron made his par and held his nerve for the rest of the round to win the bet.

I was out with Bruce, PK and new man JP (one of 2 introductions from PK, the other being Stav). We all played ok – I put together a decent 18 on the front 9. A little trip to the range on the Saturday seemed to help as I managed to continue my driving where I left off last year, hitting a pretty decent length, reasonably straight with my new (Gregs’s old) totally masculine, mans driver.

Bruce won the shark on  the eighth playing into a strong headwind, and then took great delight in telling me how poor my club selection was – backing up the slightly pretentious whatsapp statement from Donk a few days later about how most of WHV don’t know how far they can hit their own clubs.

The back 9 was more troublesome, the weather got worse and a couple of poor shots from around 60-70 yards cost me blobs on 2 holes that should have been at least 2 pointers. On the 18th I was sure I’d lost it, but thought I might have a chance if I could get a par. I took a 4 in the end and was pleased to get over the water but the 2 points was just enough to get me to 31 points and take the win.

Longest drive was won by Miller, who knocked it a yard past Bruce, who had knocked it 2 yards past Ron. There was a stewards enquiry on the 18th for the second nearest the pin with very little to choose between Bruce and Millers. Boyce eventually made the call and gave it to Bruce over his good mate Miller. Probably karma after Miller had ruined everyone elses day.

A decent day out and opener to the season, its back to a lower quality course for the next one (the April fools day Gibbon) and then off to the 25th best course in England at the end of April and then the PEDRO skins in May.

Match Report – 2016 Son of the Pedro Masters

Posted on

Here is the report as provided on time by Special K, winning for the second time in his first full season


With one win this season under my belt, and a WHV handicap of 24, it was only a matter of time before Special K was back to winning ways.

Saturday 17th September promised much, a new golf course for me and Hollywood at least. The beautiful Astbury Hall golf club, owned by no less than the legendary lead guitarist K.K Downing from Judas Priest. The venue was tucked away in the heart of the Shropshire countryside, with google maps stating it is only 31 miles from Solihull. Surely it couldn’t take 1hr 5 minutes to get there? Well  it did, due to piss poor black country roads, full of Sunday morning drivers on a Saturday and the odd tractor.

Me and Hollywood arrived at Astbury Hall just behind Gregs, Noz and Swiss Bruce.  The need for a bacon roll was greater than ever, due to the lack of the traditional pre game McDonalds breakfast wrap! The club house looked impressive, with lovely pictures of Darren Clarke holding aloft his very own claret jug dotted around the place. The rest of the lads were already there ordering breakfast upgrades. I thought, you wouldn’t see a champ like Darren eating double sausage like with brown sauce all over his chops like Millers.

The weather turned out to be top draw, a number of boys turned up in shorts. The groups got decided by the usual balls tossed in the air method. The first group out consisted of ‘The best Ever TD’, Noz & Martin. ‘The Best Ever TD’ got the day off to a great start with a powerful drive right down the middle.

Group 2 consisted of me, Hollywood and Bruce (aka The Dream Team). We made the mistake of giving Bruce the point scoring yellow ball on the first. He nearly lost it on his second shot into the water, but managed to find it and make a 6 on the first. Needless to say our luck with the yellow ball got no better.

The third group had the board vs Millers feel about it. Millers managed to find himself in a group with Boyce, Donk and Pres. After a week of slagging the board off on Whatsapp, it was going to be an interesting round for Millers.  He found himself avoiding all requests from Boyce to help look for his ball near any lakes. Accidents do happen after all.

The front 9 didn’t get off to the best of starts, I managed to chip into the bunker on the second and take another two shots to get out. Needless to say I failed to score a single point. It didn’t take long for my form to pick up, with a chip in from the edge of the green on the 8th. A run of respectable bogey golf with the odd par thrown in gave me 18 points through the first 9.

The back 9 started with pars on 10 and 11. The 11th was the Dog hole, Hollywood set the standard with a monster 250 yard drive. Bruce gave it a good go, but his slicing drive lacked the distance need to move Hollywood from top dog. More pars and bogeys followed, with the yellow ball still in play. We heard the other groups had lost their yellow ball, Boyce deciding to take aim at someone’s house with his.

With the easy 18th to play, it seemed Noz had the Shark in his hand with a great shot to the centre of the green. No one from the dream team grouping could get nearer. The final group finished the 18th with news that Boyce pitched inside Noz to take the shark, great shot from Boyce!  The last hole cost Hollywood an impressive £1.50! I wrapped up the back 9 with another 22 points, I managed to score zero points on 3 holes as well. A grand total of 40 points could not be matched.

Presentation time had arrived. Noz, ‘The Best Ever TD’ and Martin won the yellow ball challenge with an impressive 29 points. Millers got third spot and Martin second, poor Pres was using a new driver with a very stiff shaft, this resulted in 13 points. Some accused him of handicap management ahead of the jug, I can’t believe such a thing would even enter his mind.

I did manage to drop the brand new Son of the Pedro within 30 seconds. Looks like a trip to John Lewis for a new holder! Expensive win.

I’m glad my handicap has been cut to 22 for the jug, I can’t be accused of winning the jug with a bandit handicap now

And here are lots of pictures from the day

dsc_1897 dsc_1898 dsc_1899 dsc_1896 dsc_1895 dsc_1894 dsc_1893 dsc_1891 dsc_1892 img-20160919-wa0000.jpg img-20160922-wa0014.jpg img-20160919-wa0005.jpg img-20160922-wa0015.jpg img-20160922-wa0001.jpg img-20160922-wa0009.jpg img-20160919-wa0004.jpg img-20160922-wa0003.jpg img-20160922-wa0018.jpg img-20160922-wa0017.jpg img-20160922-wa0002.jpg img-20160922-wa0016.jpg img-20160919-wa0007.jpg

Match Report: The Web Donk Download 2016

Posted on

Presented with minimal fanfare by the winner….


Noz Learns the True Meaning of Chocking as Super Miller Adds the Donk Download to his Glittering WHV Career Win List

It’s been a little while, but Miller is back in the WHV Golf Society winners enclosure once again. This time adding the Donk Download to his impressive catalogue of tournament wins.

Following closely on the heels of the most exciting, new and innovative event on tour, The Miller Mind Twist, The Donk Download was hosted at the splendid West Midlands golfing complex in Barston. A stunning venue for a truly great WHV event, crowning it’s winner with the best trophy on tour, the magnificent Donk Monstrosity that adds value and character to any living room / man cave.

It is fitting in an Olympic week that WHV’s premier athlete, embodying as he does the fitness and endurance side of the golfing art, that Miller triumphed in such spectacular fashion.

Miller was quick to build on the obvious Olympic parallels to his latest triumph:

“Today was about endurance, prime physical conditioning and mental toughness. Yes, yes, Justin Rose won the official Olympic golf tournament, but he didn’t have to play 36 holes in a day did he? Single rounds in a day. Easy. Not the same thing as competing in the Mind Twist and then delivering at the Donk Download just an hour later. Not the same thing at all.”

Er, yes, but other Olympic athletes perform twice in a day?

“Exactly and of course Usain and I have spoken, I was one of the first to congratulate him on his double treble, terrible double or whatever it was, but at the end of the day it was just legging it about for a few seconds. Hardly the same as what I have achieved today. Usain knows that.”

But surely you can’t be comparing Olympic achievements to hacking a golf ball round a couple of fields very slightly less badly than a handful of your mates, one of whom fell apart physically, one who fell apart mentally, and another who chose to miss the afternoon entirely in preference to taking part in the Leamington Spa Gay Pride event?

Miller responded with typically insightful words of unparalleled wisdom:

“You are right, but the paucity and horrendously poor quality of the competition should not detract from my achievements here today. Gay Pride in Leamington you say? I had no idea that was an option this afternoon, no one tells me anything. I heard he was riding on a float, or being ridden on a float, or something like that. Sounds terrible, truly awful. I can’t believe that he chose to miss the Donk Download for something like that. Do you think they will still be there now?”

The victory was anything but straight forward for young Miller. The fantastic West Midlands links were very windy, blustery, and as our ever thoughtful weather girl Dug Baxter was fond of pointing out multiple times for days in advance, there was always the slight threat of rain during the afternoon.

It really was a case of waterproofs on, waterproofs off, waterproofs on, waterproofs off etc etc multiple times during the course of the afternoon. Or if you are Boyce, a case of trousers half off then collapse on the floor whilst having a mini-stroke. This was a shocking attempt to put Miller off on the Dog the hole, the imposing 13th at West Mids.

Recounting the issue playing partner and second placed pony Martin Currier stated:

“Naturally Boycie is no stranger to taking his trousers off in a field. It is just that he has normally consumed half a pint Flunitrazepam just before, and is enjoying the company nazi skin heads and various biker gangs. On this occasion it was a crazy attempt to put the magnificent Miller off in his attempt to win the Dog.”

The despicable tactics from the mustachioed one did no work, and Miller duly caned his drive over 300 yards to claim the Dog for the 3rd time this season on his way to a nail biting overall victory. He couldn’t add the shark for a clean sweep, that was won by Donko as the only one to hit the marquee 18th green at the glorious links.

Once again, Miller was more than generous whilst recalling his massive Big Dog victory:

“With Juiceo in SwissLand at the moment and Ronno also away from us on long term vacation in StropLand, I have owned the Big Dog. It is mine. A formality. The Dog is now in its rightful place. In my bag. Forever.”

This was a hard fought, tough, come from behind victory for Miller. Not his usual romp away with it and win by miles type of triumph. 13 points on the front 9 and out in 49 blows was not a great start. Indeed, all of the field was ahead of Miller at this point.

All of the field that were still on the course that is. The one that had run home crying about some sort of side or hip pain, or just generally broken down like some sort of little girl, was not ahead of Miller. He was hanging his head in shame, woefully short of the physical conditioning that has enabled Miller to claim this new title and perform at this level. But luckily Mike had already paid in full for the whole day before creeping off home like a baby.

As it turned out the poor front 9 was just Miller toying with the field. The back nine was completed in 39 blows, 21 points were accumulated and Miller’s gross score was only 4 over the course. This included going out of bounds on the 15th and in the water on the 18th.

The style and panache of this victory were not lost on the field. Society President Dug Baxter commented:

“Miller coming from behind and loving the back nine? Who would have thought it? We are all in total shock. The only surprise is he wasn’t with Special K this afternoon on the Gay Pride float indulging in precisely the same set of behaviours. I actually think that this is my fault for behaving like a total fool on WhatsApp and winding the poor bloke up. I’ve let myself down and I’ve let the whole Society down. I simply cannot apologise enough. Again. Why does this keep happening? I know it’s wrong but I can’t help it. I need help, I really do.”

Martin Currier finished in second with 33 points, just one point behind Magnificent Miller, with comedy stripping clown Boyce in 3rd on the same number. Donko was 4th in his own event on 31 points – the lowest finish for a while for this most consistent of WHV performers.

Commenting on his last place with a disgusting 27 points, Society President Dug Baxter stated:

“So, Miller has won a poorly attended minor event, received very few ranking points for his trouble, about 5 sniffs in prize money and had his handicap cut by a full shot into the bargain. I on the other hand have another poor round in the bank, my handicap is rising nicely for the CJ and I leave here with £112.50 in cash. Just remind me, who won again?”

At this point we must spare a thought for the 5th placed finisher in the event, Mr William ‘Noz’ Spittle. Sitting on 29 points with 3 holes to play, Noz only had to net-par in for an easy victory. But rather than do that, he chose to do a ‘Monty in the US Open’ impression and blob all of the holes to finish on 29 points.

When questioned on this unfortunate turn of events for the hapless Mr Spittle, Magical Miller was typically magnanimous and offered some empowering and encouraging words of wisdom to help Noz overcome his problems in the future:

“I know. It’s hilarious. A few weeks ago he didn’t know what chocking was. Now he is a world leading expert, giving lectures on the subject and is inundated by requests to talk about the fine art of chocking from all quarters. That will learn him.”


Match Report – 2016 Captain’s Matchplay by Woolly

Posted on

Woolly sent this in on time, just taken me a while to get round to sharing it, and some lovely presentation pics of another good WHV day. The standings/handicaps will be updated shortly (but possibly after I’ve been to Troon). It will be interesting to see where Woolly- the man without a fridge capable of wearing magnets – places his new treasures.

The WHV season marches on and for the Captains Matchplay we re-visited Cleobury Mortimor which consists of three nine hole courses.  The event saw the first outing of the year for Little Nelly who was keen to defend the title.  He arrived with the Trophy proudly updated with his name.

The day kicked off with a Full English breakfast which was a welcome a welcome treat, no bacon rolls when the Captain is in charge.  Millers then continued to shower me gifts in exchange for golfing ‘Merch’..  This time it was a golden fridge magnet from Bath to compliment the Dubai one I had already received.   That was followed by a fridge magnet bottle opener which could actually come in useful.  I have been assured that he will ‘sort me out’ when he goes to Troon!!

On the first nine holes I was in a four ball with Greggors, Donk and Little Nelly.  I was up against Greggors and went one down after the first hole but managed to turn things around a bit mainly due to him to losing a couple of his favourite Pro V1’s.  Little Nelly was on fire and was three up in no time which included hitting the flag on the second.  He continued his dominance and after beating Donk then proceeded to hit the ball erratically once the pressure was off.

I managed to beat to Greggors on the last hole but it was certainly close.  I even managed a slightly ridiculous putt earlier when the ball trickled down the hill and fell in the hole.  After the first nine we all indulged in ham, egg and chips.  Noz had a jacket potato that looked like it had been in the oven for a week but once mixed with some runny egg went down well.

In the semi final I was up against Noz who was driving it will with his new bat from Greggors.  Little Nelly was up against PK in the other semi final.  That match saw a great bit of gamesmanship from PK who stopped Little Nelly from giving up the hole by telling him he had a shot.  At the par three up the hill I was one down and needed to turn things around.  Noz hit his chip to 3-4 feet and I made him putt it out….  He missed it!!!  That was the turning point and I won the match 2up.  During the break between the next nine holes the length of that putt decreased every time he told the story…  Sorry Will J

Onto the final and I was up against PK and had to give him one shot.  Approaching the par three sixth and ‘the shark’ I was one up.  There was a ball on the green about 5-6 feet away from the flag which was a cracking shot from Noz who was in the group ahead.  I hit my shot to the left edge of the green but PK hit a beauty and then sank the putt for birdie to level the match.  Heading up the 7th we both hit our tees shot left and into the thick stuff.  He escaped better than me and hit a great approach into the green easily winning the hole and going one up.

On the 8th I had to give PK one shot which was a tad daunting considering the form he was in.  After a good drive and scrappy second I hit a wedge into 5 feet.  PK then went a bit wayward with his second shot into the trees but recovered well to get to the green.  I managed to hold my nerve and sank the putt for par to level the match.

On the 9th PK took out the driver and went for it…  He hit a beauty straight down the middle and then a fine approach to the edge of the green.  I hit a good drive but was still 197 yards from the green.  I then managed to hit what was possibility my best ever 5 wood shot to hit the green.  PK’s first chip went onto the back edge and I rolled my putt up to two feet.  He had no choice but to go for it but unfortunately it ran past the hole handing me the victory.  We both agreed that golf was the winner on the day and I will be proudly wearing ‘the ring’ at the CJ weekend.

Good stuff Paul, very fair and lacking in the usual passive aggressive or just explicit aggressive stylings of other tournament victors.

DSC_1319 DSC_1320 DSC_1331 DSC_1333 DSC_1335 DSC_1336 DSC_1337 DSC_1338 DSC_1339

2016 Brissle Horn Match Report

Posted on

From the desk of the Captain – who thought he’d written this on the night of his victory, but he obviously didn’t save it!

The Solihull posse took pity on the sole Knowle representative, again, and once again we were on the way to the other side of a bridge to Taff-land. Would the bridge be open this time? At least we hadn’t been promised elite golf and food in luxurious trappings. Rob had left it quite late, the bill to play was so much lower than the Gibbon, and a meal was thrown in – so expectations weren’t high.

Turns out Dewstow is just a few minutes down the road from St Pierre, but was a collection of the best kind of surprises. The welcome was very warm, at least 3 old boys introduced themselves in the clubhouse, commiserating with the Villa fans in our number and promising us a good round at their track.

A pretty good bacon roll was followed by a trip to the strangest putting green we’ve seen in a long time, built as it was into a cliff face with no semblence of a straight putt in sight.The groups were drawn – happily Pete was drawn with the sponsor so that some on course #helpingrob action could take place – indeed, Rob was so enthusiastic about the prospect he decided to start live streaming the proceedings to a gaggle of his facebook cycling friends. I will be creating an archive post pulling these excellent videos together, but suffice to say that Pete, Rob and new man Martin, who must have found the double act quite entertaining, did little to trouble the match report in terms of actual golf (despite reckoning that Rob had nailed one of the sharks, his effort was well outside my mark).

It appears that Noz finally found some form in the leading group – getting up to 32 points and the prospect of a win as he sat there as clubhouse leader. All the action was in the middle three – Millers opened on fire, pars and birdies – Woolly was also mounting a valiant defence of the Horn, especially coming home – a birdie on the 17th made things interesting but this was after a shank on the 16th and followed by knocking his tee shot on 18 into the front bunker. Millers completely lost it on the back nine, must have been the ongoing chat about Jaime Lannister and his metal fist – but possibly also by his new found interest in Woolly, who was teasing him with some flexing on the tee boxes.

Despite some strong finishing so far this season, I’ve been struggling with a bad back, and it took some industrial painkillers on the practice green to get me round Dewstow. Nevertheless, despite a shaky 2nd hole and a couple of chunks up a hill in the scrub on the back nine, I played solid stuff – no birdies but lots of looks, and for once, an excellent putting round. So I shot a 36 off 13 – a couple of points ahead of Woolly, but this wasn’t just my 2nd Brissle win. In an unprecedented show of WHV domination, I swept the event. Rob put up 2 nearest the pin prizes, I may have missed the four footer on 18, but only 2 of us found the dancefloor. I was about 8 feet away on the beautiful ‘bottle’ hole, and managed to draw a driver sweetly into the middle of the Dog fairway, around 235 yards to round out a Dog, Shark, Win day.

The course was excellent, the greens were a few weeks away from being great, but for the money we paid it was a much better value than the corporate gaff down the road – even the nosebag after the golf was pretty good, if you didn’t mind peas and avoided the fish.

So, officially

  • Winner – Donk – £20
  • Runner Up – Woolly £10
  • Shark – Donk £5
  • Bottle – Donk £5
  • Dog – Donk £5

Not long til the Captain’s Matchplay – and an MRI scan that I hope won’t ruin what is promising to be a good season on tour…

Some images from the day – either from my phone, that little camera I was wearing, or from Boyce

1WhatsApp-Image-20160509 WhatsApp-Image-20160509 DSC_1253 DSC_1255 May 7, 2016 at 0152PM May 7, 2016 at 0502PM May 7, 2016 at 1141AM