Quite simply, this is pretty legendary stuff from the Mill of More
Miller Sweep is on Again!
Emphatic victory in the Spittle Shield is dedicated to the Stuart Botterill Golf Academy
Bright sunshine, clear skies, and near perfect conditions for the WHV curtain raiser, this year taking the form of the Spittle Shield at West Midlands Field / Golf Course. A long way round at the best of times but sure to be a tough test with only 3 clubs in each bag for this event.
Ahead of the golf match report the author would like to thank the Board for their recent publication of the WHV accounts. However, on close inspection these accounts to not contain any reference to the £3,682.00 cash out transaction contained on the Society Bank statement last October. Funny that. It turns out that what we all took to be a new era of openness and transparency from our esteemed Board is actually more like a ‘feed them any old confusing nonsense spreadsheet with pastel colours on it to hide our continuing thieving’ type of era. Oh well. I guess we can only hope that the market for collateralised debt vehicles made up of sub-prime Spanish holiday buy to let mortgages so favoured by the President and his cohort of expensive yet mid-tier advisors picks up at some point.
Anyway, a reasonable turnout for this event saw 10 boys assemble in the bar area where 4 very interesting things happened:
- Predictably the WHV till started ringing with the sound of mate on mate financial rip off and scrapage action. Annual subs, tournament fees, green fees etc were the excuse this time as the society coffers were further swelled.
- Less predictably the boy bacon attempted to poison everyone with week old doughnuts purloined from Interserve.
- Even less predictably the boy Aust refused this bountiful harvest on account of some sort new healthy eating campaign he is waging on himself.
- And finally GambleGibbon descended into an OAP Grand National betting farce by taking 50p each way and £1 win bets. BetRon took one hell of a beating but at least it was proper.
And so to the golf. Having sought recent and expensive guidance from the golfing sages at the Stuart Botterill Academy* the boy Miller was deep into a series of new drills and routines before the off. Just because one of these drills involves shoving a 7 iron up his arse and holding the shaft against his head whilst dry swinging, this caused some amusement amongst the boys.
Revenge was to be instant and sweet as Miller bagged 2 birdies in the first 4 holes, amassed 24 points by the turn and won the event by 9 shots at a canter. Even allowing time to hit 2 drives out of bounds, and separately take a 7 and an 8 on the way to a 42 point total. Miller was thankful for the advice and guidance of the boy Juice, when with Miller standing on the 8th tee having scored 2.94 points a hole in a 20 point total to that point with 4 single putts and 3 2-putts, Juice stated that Miller wasn’t actually striking his putts well at all. Suitably refocused Miller corrected the evident mistakes in his game and went on to tie up the victory.
When questioned at the finish Miller was typically humble and magnanimous:
“This is a victory for hard work and dedication. It would not have possible without the many hours I have put in this winter on correcting a couple of niggles in my swing, and a little bit of input from a PGA professional in the form of 3 hours of lessons since Christmas.”
“It is often said that 9 shot victories are easy, but no-one was saying that while I was hitting thousands of practice balls at Four Ashes in sub zero temperatures. That is the unseen side, that and the 7 iron up the arse business, which was actually seen by a number of people, many of whom were just there for a Sunday lunch.”
When asked about his plans for the rest of the season following this marvellous victory, Miller stated:
“It’s been a 3 year wait for this second title on the WHV tour but to be honest the Miller clean sweep is nailed on from this point. It is all about taking it further than anyone else (even that cheating swine Bacon), setting new goals and redefining what people consider to be possible by totally clearing up this year. That must be odds on now. I reckon that by the time of the Presidents Classic in July, with further input from the golfing gurus at the Stuart Botterill Academy, I feel that I will be in total control of my swing. You know, in the way that only Ben Hogan ever has been and in the way that Tiger tried to be but it only titsed his game up.”
Further congratulations must go to Noz for finishing second, Campo for the longest drive and Bacon for the shark on the last with a great wedge to 2 feet. Even though he missed the putt. I’m sure that I don’t need to point out the ridiculousness of their total prize pot exceeding mine for dominating the event and winning in such emphatic fashion. It is what it is and decent recompense was received by betting on myself and plunging GambleGibbon into the red and serious financial trouble even at this stage of the season.
It would have been good to have a picture of the winner with the Stein / Shield thingy but Bacon forgot to bring it. A crime that I can only assume warrants a forfeit along the lines of having his insides removed, caned, partially eaten and then replaced.
*it would appear that if you bung up a couple of practice nets at Shirley Golf Club and make the assistant pros work for less than minimum / living wage then you get to use the ‘Academy’ tag.
