We haven’t had a ‘proper’ fining session at the AGM since poor old Ron had to stand in that ropey curry house the last time we were in Wales, and read out about 100 petty complaints about discredoration or some other such perceived injuries or offences.
We all enjoy a Motown PlaceofConsumption, but the intention of the disciplinary system is to ensure that members respect the constitution, assets and artefacts of the society, for the benefit of all of us – and we’re trying our hardest not to slip back into the former Stasi like ways.
The board has reviewed around a dozen indictments raised for the members of the 2015 tour, and I shall be announcing the charges and verdicts at the dinner of the Saturday Jug. It is important to forewarn the accused/convicted where they are required to procure reparations for their sentence – for instance the ‘gourmet’ cheeseboard Millers sent in return for the Batman Cracker Fountain, or indeed the proper luxury cheese fest from Stratford enjoyed in the car park at Celtic Manor.
We have a rich and varied history of drinking many fine port wines brought to the Jug by cheeky and naughty members, but I’m pleased to announce that this year, the important bottle of port being brought is the one the agreed as the stake for the team event at the President’s Classic, which we all know went true to form.
The other offender required to furnish the society with a bottle of port of acceptable quality is P.Milmore, accused and found repeatedly guilty of deliberately ignoring the society dress code in favour of whatever he’d seen Ricky Fowler wearing. This offence escalated at the Presidents when he turned up wearing his WHV shirt – which he’d ‘found’ (presumably in the same place as the Stein), but which he changed out of at lunchtime for some flamboyant monstrosity, claiming that he was feeling constricted. Shameful, guilty and further compounded by then winning the event by a point and becoming very egomaniacal about his superiority, accepting the trophy in non-compliant apparel.
What a prick
Also, aside from a number of people who will be required to see off a Motown Porthmadog for minor offences, we have the known and very appropriate punishment that Millers has embraced with vigour for his denial of having the Munich Stein with Crappy Hinged Lid in his possession for years – before ‘finding it’ on the evening of his victory at the season opening Spittle Shield. The Bavarian fancy dress is likely to be less of an assault on the senses than whatever One Direction knock off he was going to wear anyway.
We have some interesting charges brought by members against each other that we will deliver our verdict on next Saturday evening, and we are continuing to consider what to do about the ongoing lack of match reports from certain parties.
Finally, and importantly, and hopefully some of you are still reading. One member stands accused of criminal, almost deliberate negligence with regard to a beloved society asset. Witnessing this abuse occur immediately after being told to be careful was one of the highlights of the year, but nonetheless, your board has determined an appropriate punishment, and as such we would be grateful if the members could check their bags, their garages, their dad’s man drawer and the local municipal course for the tattiest, cheapest and oldest playable golf balls you can find. Please bring a couple of these with you to Wales, as the offending party will be required to play only with donated balls throughout the weekend. You are free to decorate these special balls as you see fit and you should be ready if you’re in his group to make sure he only plays with the donated balls rather than his preferred brand. To some members, this would be a massively debilitating sentence, completely destroying their chances of success, but for this individual, we suspect it will not make a jot of difference.
So in summary
- Millers will be dressed like a rampant German, even more so than usual
- He also has to bring a bottle of port
- Some of us will be downing Motown Porthmadog’s
- We may look upon the provision of late match reports as suitable clemency
- A couple of key indictments will be presented next Saturday
- Bring plenty of crap balls and watch Mike struggle to remember what ball he’s playing with, to go with not knowing which hole he’s on, which club he should be using, how far he is from the green – should be fun
Fair play. My fines are down to my own genius, pure and simple. The Board dragged their feet on decent shirts so I had to wear my own, Rickie-esq, performance fabric. This secured my second major success.
Owning the Spittle Shield – denied only by the weather in the last 4 years – brings another fine. Actually perfect, my Bosche outfit is just brilliant.