Just in time
WHVGS 2017 Claret Jug Report
Tournament: 2017 Claret Jug
Venue: La Manga South Course & La Manga West Course
Dates: 14th to 15th October 2017
Weather: Beautiful
Buggies: Yes
Attendees: Pres, Donk, Millers, TD, Ronno, Coops, Woolly, Boycie, Marty the Cat, Bacon, Juice, Ads, Professor Ash, Noz, Aust & Huge
I distinctly remember receiving my copy of the 2016 Claret Jug Match Report and immediately feeling sorry for the poor idiot who had to follow that. Well guess what folks, I’m that idiot. At least I now know how it feels to live in Rob’s world. One similarity with last year’s match report is of course the title – The History Boy. The 2017 Claret Jug also has a first time winner as it’s hero.
You’re all going to have to forgive me. I’m writing this report 4 weeks after the events in La Manga and therefore my already diminished powers of recall are starting to fail me. I’ve just had to text Donk for God’s sake to remind me who won the weekend’s Sharks, Dogs and Hulks. Early on-set dementia here I come. I have also checked whether the delay in writing this constitutes an offence under the WHV Constitution and have been reliably informed by 2 members of the Bored that “we are far more relaxed about that type of thing now” and “it just needs to be in before the next comp”. Mind you we were at a Ride gig at the time, which was loud and we did have a mullered grumpy cunty Gregs with us, so i may have misheard.
There are some things I do remember. I woke up on the Saturday morning feeling pretty good, considering I’d had a few shandies the night before. I also remember seeing a lot of Millers’ cock as he paraded around our little apartment in the niff. But then I also remember that this seems to be the norm. If it’s not Millers’ cock, it’s Greggs’ and we all saw that quite a lot as well.
We all had a very relaxing breakfast on the Saturday morning. Gregs and Marty regaled us all with their tales of getting mullered and scrapping in the local La Manga Irish karaoke bar. yes I know that doesn’t make sense. I say “scrapping”, what I really mean is that Gregs was helluvaboy, got pissed, persuaded Marty to carry on drinking with him, got punched, had Marty defend his honour and then made up some guff to tell the boss. Pretty normal WHV night out when you think about it.
After breakfast a number of us took the opportunity to have a sunbathe near the pool. Some of the braver amongst us even had a quick dip. God it was cold. Millers’ voice went a few octaves higher and certain small spherical parts of my body started going back to where they fell some 5 to 10 years ago. I was a late bloomer.
What I also remember is that the first round of the 2017 WHV Open Championship was played on the South Course at La Manga. What I further remember is that the South course was originally designed by Robert Putman in 1972 and held the Spanish Open in 1973 and 1977 as well as several PGA Championships for both men and women. Arnold Palmer upgraded the course in 1993 and it’s Championship layout is evident by it’s length – 6500 metres, it’s bunkering and it’s water hazards – on 15 of the 18 holes. I thought it was very picturesque and felt very relieved we had buggies. Needless to say it was a real test.
I’d played very steadily the day before, scored 37 points and only came third after some dubious count-back rule or something – I was therefore in pretty good nick and ready for the challenge that lay ahead. As normal the most nervous shot of the day is on the first tee and mine was shit. I don’t think it went 50 yards and needless to say the first hole was blobbed. So was the second. Great start Bacon. I bogeyed the third eventually getting some points (2) on the board. The 4th was a long par 5, I hit 3 great shots to within a couple of feet and rolled in the birdie. My round was finally up and running.
I played pretty solidly the whole round, played some great shots, had a few blobs but was more than happy to score 34 points and as it turned out, 34 points was the best score of the day. I thought the course was a real test, it was long and tough and a great challenge for the first day of the Claret Jug. The results of the day were:
Best Score: 34 Points (Bacon)
Shark: Huge
Dog: Huge
Saturday Hulk: Boycie
On the Saturday night we went out as you would expect. We ate at a very nice Italian restaurant in La Manga and had more than a few shandies in La Manga – which was pretty dead to be fair. We did however learn a few things, chief amongst them being that Woolly is a very good kitty man. He took real control of the skins wallet and kept the beers rolling all night. 3 different skins in that wallet don’t you know – llama, megalodon and aardvark. In fact Woolly was so good as a kitty man we all agreed he was far better than Rob. We also learned that we no longer have an extendafork (Boycie’s fault) in the society. Therefore I got away with eating my meal with normal cutlery. We also learned that Huge has very delicate hamstrings.
Sunday morning arrived in much the same manner as Saturday morning. I felt good even after having a few, saw Millers’ cock again – It’s OK but nothing special. We then convened for for a relaxing brekkie to be met by the sight of the A team wearing PINK shirts and looking very pleased with themselves. When standing together they looked like 4 saveloys or condoms and that was without the help of Curt’s smokoe. Which is probably all I need to say about it.
Sunday’s 18 holes were played at La Manga’s West Course. I thought it was without doubt the best course of the 3 at La Manga. It is a beautiful course, in great nick, has marvellous scenery all around and is very tight and tough. It has also has a great variety of holes with each one giving a different challenge especially to the mid to high handicappers amongst us. You really had to manage your way around the course, keep your driver tucked away for the most part and be on top of your game throughout. Finally we had found a course where being the society’s “steady Eddie” may just pay off.
However for the final 4-ball of me, Coops, Boycie and the Pres it was made doubly hard as a result of there not being enough buggies to go around. Cue much grinding of teeth and not a little bit of concern as there were some big hills ahead. Luckily all was rectified by the 5th when our buggies arrived.
Just when I needed to be steady, straight, relaxed and stress-free, I was. Over the 18 holes I had 3 blobs which was a shame, but had 15 x 2-pointers and ended with 30 points. I’d have taken that at the start of the day. It wasn’t till after we had finished that I realised just how close it had been. Having blobbed the 15th and then bogeyed the 16th, I actually stood on the 17th one point behind the Pres. I didn’t know this at the time as I’d have probably choked. Luckily I continued to drive well, be straight and putt well and as a result I was able to score 2 points on both holes and bring it home. In actual fact Juice had had a great round scoring 34 points from the second to last group and had sneaked in to second place.
I’d won. I felt great, had lots of congratulations, I even felt that most of the Society were happy for me. All very strange. We went back to the West Course’s Clubhouse where we found the bar to be closed. Luckily the best kitty man in the world had got the beers in. Well done Woolly. Sitting down having a very nice beer it suddenly dawned on me – “Shit!!, I’ve got to organise next year’s Claret Jug weekender.”
The results of the day were:
Sunday Best: 34 Points (Bruce)
Shark: Gregs
Dog: Ronno
Sunday Hulk: Huge
2017 WHV Open Champion: Bacon (34 & 30 points)
After getting back form the course we all met up at the complex’s bar. It was here that I finally got my hands on the WHV Claret Jug and Green Jacket. Needless to say it was a very proud moment for me.
What happened next will probably go down in WHV folklore and has already been spoke about and mused over far too much. However, I need to give a summary so here it is.
• Gregs had to supply a BBQ for the Society as a fine for his criminally negligent organising of the 2017 Gibbon Invitational.
• We therefore met at his apartment.
• As well as a BBQ there were also a number of Port fines, a cheese board fine and plenty of nibbles. All shopped for by Donk and Gregs.
• Millers supplied 2 costumes for himself and Gregs and therefore the BBQ was cooked by Gregs in a sexy Little red Riding Hood costume and Millers in a skin-tight Crash test Dummy costume. I use “sexy” in the least literal sense of the word.
• Gregs got his old boy out – a lot.
• The sausages were very nice but there wasn’t enough.
• The chicken was not cooked.
• Gregs got his old boy out – a lot.
• We had some more chicken. Both cooked and not.
• We drank a lot of beer and Rose wine.
• Gregs cooked some more chicken and got his cock out.
• Certain members of the Society had a major falling out over those pink shirts mentioned earlier in the report.
• Gregs cooked some more chicken. There was a lot of chicken.
• Gregs got his cock out.
• Several members of the society went back to their apartments early as a result of the aforementioned major falling out.
• Several members of the society attempted to use their non-existent diplomatic skills to bring the society back together. They failed
• Gregs cooked some more chicken and got his cock out.
• We continued drinking and did a bit of marching to some choons.
• Gregs cooked some more chicken and got his cock out.
• We all slept it off.
• Top notch night.
Overall, it was a great weekend. Expertly organised by Peds with a little bit of help from the Pres. The location was really good. It was lovely to get some hot sun in October. The courses were all good, were a real test and on the whole I think we all played pretty well. Finally, the company was very good. We were all in good form, funny, exasperating, drunk and above all friends enjoying each other’s company and playing a bit of golf.
Here’s to 2018.
Bacon.
