So for winning, he’s dropped another shot, and for failing to provide a match report – under the amendment to the constitution reported here – he’s carrying another full stroke penalty and will be off 12 around Blackwell.

In other moves – I will need to check with PK and Boyce on their Congu’s but they might have drifted up a full stroke each.

All handicaps here

In the first of what is sure to be many many posts, whvgolf.com shares a submission of an indictment form by our most openly unhinged member

Submitted at 00:10 on 17 October

The charge: Rocky The Cat left his trolley bag in the luggage hall of BHX, then exited through customs. He realised his mistake in the car park, rushed back through the no exit sign and nearly got arrested. A BHX tattooed munter promised his bag in 20minutes, which was an hour and a half ago. Same munter is now chasing. No sign. So 2hours after landing me & Huge are still here. With work in 5 hours.

The accused: Marty the Cat

Suggested Rehabilitation: Redacted

We all enjoy a Motown PlaceofConsumption, but the intention of the disciplinary system is to ensure that members respect the constitution, assets and artefacts of the society, for the benefit of all of us – and we’re trying our hardest not to slip back into the former Stasi like ways.

The board has reviewed around a dozen indictments raised for the members of the 2015 tour, and I shall be announcing the charges and verdicts at the dinner of the Saturday Jug. It is important to forewarn the accused/convicted where they are required to procure reparations for their sentence – for instance the ‘gourmet’ cheeseboard Millers sent in return for the Batman Cracker Fountain, or indeed the proper luxury cheese fest from Stratford enjoyed in the car park at Celtic Manor.

We have a rich and varied history of  drinking many fine port wines brought to the Jug by cheeky and naughty members, but I’m pleased to announce that this year, the important bottle of port being brought is the one the agreed as the stake for the team event at the President’s Classic, which we all know went true to form.

The other offender required to furnish the society with a bottle of port of acceptable quality is P.Milmore, accused and found repeatedly guilty of deliberately ignoring the society dress code in favour of whatever he’d seen Ricky Fowler wearing. This offence escalated at the Presidents when he turned up wearing his WHV shirt – which he’d ‘found’ (presumably in the same place as the Stein), but which he changed out of at lunchtime for some flamboyant monstrosity, claiming that he was feeling constricted. Shameful, guilty and further compounded by then winning the event by a point and becoming very egomaniacal about his superiority, accepting the trophy in non-compliant apparel.

What a prick

Also, aside from a number of people who will be required to see off a Motown Porthmadog for minor offences, we have the known and very appropriate punishment that Millers has embraced with vigour for his denial of having the Munich Stein with Crappy Hinged Lid in his possession for years – before ‘finding it’ on the evening of his victory at the season opening Spittle Shield. The Bavarian fancy dress is likely to be less of an assault on the senses than whatever One Direction knock off he was going to wear anyway.

We have some interesting charges brought by members against each other that we will deliver our verdict on next Saturday evening, and we are continuing to consider what to do about the ongoing lack of match reports from certain parties.

Finally, and importantly, and hopefully some of you are still reading. One member stands accused of criminal, almost deliberate negligence with regard to a beloved society asset. Witnessing this abuse occur immediately after being told to be careful was one of the highlights of the year, but nonetheless, your board has determined an appropriate punishment, and as such we would be grateful if the members could check their bags, their garages, their dad’s man drawer and the local municipal course for the tattiest, cheapest and oldest playable golf balls you can find. Please bring a couple of these with you to Wales, as the offending party will be required to play only with donated balls throughout the weekend. You are free to decorate these special balls as you see fit and you should be ready if you’re in his group to make sure he only plays with the donated balls rather than his preferred brand. To some members, this would be a massively debilitating sentence, completely destroying their chances of success, but for this individual, we suspect it will not make a jot of difference.

So in summary

• Millers will be dressed like a rampant German, even more so than usual
• He also has to bring a bottle of port
• Some of us will be downing Motown Porthmadog’s
• We may look upon the provision of late match reports as suitable clemency
• A couple of key indictments will be presented next Saturday
• Bring plenty of crap balls and watch Mike struggle to remember what ball he’s playing with, to go with not knowing which hole he’s on, which club he should be using, how far he is from the green – should be fun

He won the download in August, and was very happy about it, but apparently not happy enough to write it up for us all. Therefore, in accordance with our constitution and established practice, he is currently subject to a penalty of 5 WHVRPs for every day that the report is delayed.

This is reflected in the updated standings from the Pedro – he’s lost all of the 73 points he’s accumulated so far this season, and we can only hope that he doesn’t win the Jug or things might get confusing!

I’m sure Boycie is happy to have this clarified

At the moment, the board knows of the location of just a couple of these shirts. I believe I have the big lad yellow – as a result of being the tour leader. I think that Doug has an orange somewhere.

The board has conferred and is willing to allow anyone holding a WHV honour shirt to return it, laundered as per the rules, anonymously to any member of the board without fear of punishment.

Some of these shirts have seen better days, so we may well refresh our shirtage with some lovely new kit – the board is discussing financing this activity from our lobster pot – we will let you know how we get on.

Suffice to say that once we do get new shirts, we will track them carefully – and once the shirts are available, wearing them will once again become mandatory for the holders. We have made arrangements for anyone who doesn’t follow these key parts of the WHV constitution.

We’ve had a different issue with the most recent tournament though – you may recall that Bruce won, and that Bruce was moving house 2 weeks after winning – this left him offline for a few days and so his report came in 4 or 5 days late. Despite living in the age of the internet where I’m sure he spent some time on his phone checking for some form of ailment allied to moving home or lifting or something, Bruce claimed that he’d written the report but it was on his work computer and he couldn’t access it until the time he went back to work after moving. Seemed fair enough – he was putting this case to the President, who was accepting it in good faith.

We duly received the match report on the 5th day after it was due – this should result in the loss of 5RPs per day – and as Bruce only got 16RPs for winning the Gibbon – this was quite a severe punishment.

Then I opened the report to read what Bruce had written, which was a couple of sentences introducing the Captain’s Log post I added on the evening of the Gibbon. And that was it – very little original content – as you will see below.

Now, things get murky – the board have some vested interest in the success of Bruce this year – the President has wagered with the TD that Bruce will win the OoM – so was unsurprisingly relaxed on both charges of lateness and plagiarism. Having made a case for Bruce repeatedly, he recused himself from the discussion. The TD only engaged after the saga had completed. For some reason, it was also perceived that I had a particular interest in seeing Bruce stripped of points – not entirely sure why I would stake any greater interest in this than any of the other event regulars who should be challenging for the OoM – Millers, Nob, Bacon, Pres, TD et al – but as Secretary/Recorder/Captain, I preferred to stand silent myself after raising the issue with the board. (This is particularly galling given the way that Nob and I handed the countback victory to Bruce by being sticklers for the rules of golf at the Gibbon).

The PR intervened, as the only ‘independent’ board member, and proposed to fine Bruce half of his RPs, which he then decided should be all of his RPs for the event, suspended until the 2014 Jug in the case of further malfeasance regarding competition reporting. According to the PR, Bruce did not take even his suspended sentence happily.

I’m sure I am not alone (I know that our erstwhile Captain and Constitutional Advocate is appalled by Bruce’s behaviour, and the lack of board creativity in coming up with a suitable punishment for Bruce’s bald faced lack of compliance, but with the President having a vested interest, to the enormous tune of £20, the subject was always going to stall. Anyone raising the matter with Dougal will simply be faced with his irrelevant argument about Bruce’s handicap being too high *cough 3 time WHV Open winner himself* and that the OoM was a done deal as a result)

So it turned out that the Gibbon was just as eventful off the course as it turned out to be on the course, and I’m sure the wider membership will be very interested in the priorities of some of the board members.

For the sake of posterity, here is the offending match report, as ‘provided’ by the ‘winner’ of the Gibbon – (you will note it failed to meet any of the requirements of a proper Competition Report – who won the Dog or Shark, how much money was awarded, etc. – but we now know the price of principle – 5 bob at 4 to 1, apparently).

The element in italics is ‘borrowed’ from this website (and worth reading again to understand how the ‘win at all costs’ approach is an increasing problem for our society);

2014 Gibbon Invitation Match Report

Venue:                    The Menzies Welcombe Golf Course, Stratford-upon-Avon

Date:                       1st March 2014

Entrees:                 Pres, TD, PR, Captain, Mike, Adam,  Bruce & NOB

For the 3rd year in row we returned to the Menzies for the Gibbon Invitation, sponsored by the reinstated TD, for another well organised event. Bacon rolls, 18 holes of golf and a Ham, Egg and Chips to finish it all off for the standard £40. And more importantly the sun came out!!!

Now, as I’m sure many of our readers know, and in our Captains words, “I am a sportsman and not a writer”, so here are a few bullet points of the days events, courtesy of our Captain :-

• The reinstated TD was full of vigour, as usual, but I am not looking forward to hearing about the machinations of Heartflood, if the Andover story (and especially the secret Virgin story) are anything to go by. His golf looked as spotty as ever – spectacularly good and spectacularly random
• The President is too used to me being his chauffeur, as he was able to miss the entrance to the car park and drive up the cart path in front of the club house. Good job he could join the caravan out of the car park in the dark, especially after seeing off the foot and half of Guinness for bringing up the rear in the golf – on his way back to the brink of category Z?
• Millers was dressed for an ascent of the north face of the Eiger, when in fact we were blessed with sunshine all the way round. He was also close to bipolar on the course, mumbling and grumbling about his inconsistency and stupidity, whilst still dropping 3 birdies into the mix (which seemed to follow directly from discussions he instigated about man on man loving)
• I didn’t get to play with him, but Gibraltar Mike seemed to be full of joie de vivre following his 42nd birthday, and his brand new Mondeo estate – we heard he was eating up the course, but just kept it steady rather than delivering the goods
• Adam was a revelation – he strode up the first tee, not with the Slammer or other such hand me down, but a pristine Taylor Made Burner 2.0 in pimped out white – and he proceeded to reveal the benefits of investing in equipment. Apparently his pro looked at his old bats and said that Tiger would struggle to find the sweet spot in them. Ads was in contention through 15 holes, but succumbed to the big finish at the Welcombe (as did I, and Millers), playing good solid golf, hitting good shots, and nearly winning Noz Nob some cash from the Gibbon
• Bruce, apparently was having a shocker until we crossed the road for the final four holes – likely in last place at that point. Then he birdied three of the last four (and parred the other) to post 35 points to win on countback – which he felt was justified having lost two tournaments on countback in 2013 (to keep his total to just 4!). So a threepeat for Juice, and renewed calls from the President for a cut – despite Bruce shooting 35 off 15.
• I managed to also post 35, despite putting like an idiot – including missing a 3 footer on the 18th. It was a blob free round – testament to scrambling rather than too much good golf. I’ve just seen Rory tank his tournament, so can’t feel too bad about missing out on a tenner.
• Highlight of the day was definitely the big reveal of Noz’s Hulk, which Nicola had embroidered that morning, and then texted everyone to look out for her handiwork. I have a picture for the match report, but fair to say she wins, again, for creating a new nickname for her husband, who shall henceforth be known as Nob.
• The big talking point was about rules and sportsmanship – which gifted the win to Bruce as both Nob and myself showed true stupidity. On the 15th, as I hacked up the hole to score a single point, Noz was looking to maximise, and had a 15 inch put for a par, but he was worried about it, and about standing on Millers’ line. So he marked the ball, which was then on Adam’s line. Asked to move his marker, Nob did and we all warned him not to forget to put it back. Adam and Millers holed out, and as Millers walked to the hole, he told Nob not to forget to move his marker. He promptly rolled in the putt, but from the wrong place. He claimed a 5 for 3 and then we all told him that it would be a 7 for 1, given how he didn’t move his marker. Cue an enormous amount of grumbling and near petulance, particularly as we walked from the 17th to 18th tees – he wanted to know exactly what the scores were – resulting in me Donking on course whilst Millers, who was moody after another blob, and Adam waited.
  • Completely distracted, and aware of the Big Dog being at stake, I teed up and hit a drive. And was then asked where I was teeing off from – as I’d hit from the ladies tee. Apparently this had been noted by my playing companions, but under encouragement from Nob, they decided not to point it out to me. Feeling like a proper idiot, I reloaded from the correct spot, melted a drive and then a five iron to the heart of the green, but took 3 putts from 20 feet to post a 7 for 1. At this point Nob started to challenge whether I should be disqualified from the hole, as taking 5 shots and scoring 7 wasn’t enough of a penalty in his view (take my point away and he’d be leading on countback – he may be many things, but he is not soft), insisting that I show him the rule where stroke and distance is the penalty for my error – threatening to bring Pete into the consultation
  • This is the second tournament in a row where a playing companion of mine has shown worrying ignorance of the rules of the game in a way that could swing something important in their favour on the last hole – without Pete or Ron or Rob there to speak with authority it would seem that we may need some refreshers to the proper R&A rules of golf to stop me having to try and get a signal to underline my own expertise!
  • I don’t have an issue with Nob trying to win at all costs, he has form for this kind of thing, but both Adam and Paul should really take a long look at themselves and how they’re feeling about sportsmanship, looking at their free Captain’s Kitchen Calendar whilst they’re doing it!
  • Should be noted that Dougal apart, we were all within 4 points of each other – a very tight finish that anyone could have won – but Bruce probably deserved it for as blistering a finish as we’ve ever seen
  • We ended with a good attempt at Ham Egg and Chips – the ham wasn’t really the best, but the bread and butter was a stroke of genius, with Milmore attempting to create the biggest little open sandwich seen in recent history.

All in all another great WHV event and hopefully see lots more of you at the PR Skins on the 12^th April 2014.

As the Pres pointed out this week there are some outstanding matters from the Spittle that need clearing up. I hope that the picture below deals with 2 of them. I do not pretend that it was right or acceptable to forget these 2 pieces of society tatt on Saturday. I will gladly except motown readings or vimtos or the like as suitable punishment. However, here they are, as you can all see, in the warm, in my possession, alive, well and not suffering unspeakable torment and horror at the hands of gypsies.

The issue of Noz fiddling the hcaps to collect stars. We know he has been at it for years, he’s even basically admitted to it, but impossible to prove so we have to move on.

So, that just leaves the dog as the remaining piece of outstanding society business from Saturday does it not? Oh dear, oh deary deary deary dear indeed.

So if the Pres can forward a piccy of the dog safe and well we can put this whole dismal start to the season behind us. By safe and well I do not mean burning alongside the tires in an old oil drum having been treated to the Romany equivalent of a Barrymore pool party.

Please send the piccy Dougal, come on now, jokes are over player.

Miller.

I have several clips from the evening, but these two demonstrate the extremes of society members.

First the President and Bruce chin their punishments almost quicker than I can capture.

Then Noz shows what it really feels like to put a Motown anything to the sword.

Have You Seen Something Like This?

WHVgolf.com towers was shocked and saddened, as I imagine other society members were, by this confession, repeated in full here:

Having been a victim of another booze related self-implosion on Saturday evening, I unfortunately realised that the Pedro fiver was no longer in my possession on Sunday.

Being a natural optimist (or being in denial of the level of the losses of my faculties the previous evening) I assumed that I had handed the kitty to one of the Board before my departure on Saturday although, on investigation, this proved not to be the case.

As outlined by the President, I therefore got on the blower to AGM venue, The Lord Clifden, in a frantic search for the Pedro fiver. A very helpful member of the bar staff, Sarah, promised to check their tills and get back to me.

[quote]

Imagine my delight and relief when she said that she had located a Royal Bank of Scotland £5 and that she would hold onto this for me. She seemed slightly confused by my repeated questioning as to whether the note bore the legend ‘The Pedro Fiver’ although I promised to collect the cherished item whilst quickly convincing myself that she had simply overlooked any words being written on it.

Earlier today, I exchanged the note for £10 of my own money, having originally promised Sarah to more than reimburse the face value in my original clamour to retrieve the Pedro, and was gutted to discover that she had indeed been correct about an absence of writing on the note.

Despite the gravity of this position, I truly believe that the spirit of the WHVGS is not to consider this a devastating loss but to consider it as an opportunity – after all, what are the odds of the boozer having an almost identical note in their tills from the weekend ? (The Professor will probably calculate this for the benefit of the society). I have therefore seized the opportunity – namely to create further WHV legend in the prompt christening of ‘The Son of the Pedro Fiver’.

If the human race can evolve and improve from generation to generation then I am sure that the legendary potential of banknotes can also do the same and I shall therefore present to the Society…The Son of the Pedro fiver…

I’ll get my coat on the way out.

The TD

Most fined man in WHV Golf

This prompted the following response, in what I expect will become a trademark ‘cod-sympathetic’ style from our newest board member:

As a new member of the Board I can confirm that I am astonished that another member of the board could possibly lose something that is so cherished within the GS.

[quote2]

Whilst it is indeed uncanny that the boozer would have another Scottish Fiver, it is clearly not the same as the Pedro itself. The other Scottish Fiver is simply a fiver and worth it’s face value – I believe the Pedro Fiver has indeed been referred to as ‘priceless’ in the past.

However I have been appointed as the Players Rep, so will try and do my best for you Mr Gregory!

Finally, the Pres weighed in with a rather tame query as to the serial number of the disappointing ‘Son of the Pedro Fiver’.

Let this be a lesson to all WHVers. Christmas is a dangerous time when you are transporting valuable treasures. Be Smart. Leave Them At Home.

TD caught on camera in a rare moment when he isn't 'tensing'