We’ve had a different issue with the most recent tournament though – you may recall that Bruce won, and that Bruce was moving house 2 weeks after winning – this left him offline for a few days and so his report came in 4 or 5 days late. Despite living in the age of the internet where I’m sure he spent some time on his phone checking for some form of ailment allied to moving home or lifting or something, Bruce claimed that he’d written the report but it was on his work computer and he couldn’t access it until the time he went back to work after moving. Seemed fair enough – he was putting this case to the President, who was accepting it in good faith.

We duly received the match report on the 5th day after it was due – this should result in the loss of 5RPs per day – and as Bruce only got 16RPs for winning the Gibbon – this was quite a severe punishment.

Then I opened the report to read what Bruce had written, which was a couple of sentences introducing the Captain’s Log post I added on the evening of the Gibbon. And that was it – very little original content – as you will see below.

Now, things get murky – the board have some vested interest in the success of Bruce this year – the President has wagered with the TD that Bruce will win the OoM – so was unsurprisingly relaxed on both charges of lateness and plagiarism. Having made a case for Bruce repeatedly, he recused himself from the discussion. The TD only engaged after the saga had completed. For some reason, it was also perceived that I had a particular interest in seeing Bruce stripped of points – not entirely sure why I would stake any greater interest in this than any of the other event regulars who should be challenging for the OoM – Millers, Nob, Bacon, Pres, TD et al – but as Secretary/Recorder/Captain, I preferred to stand silent myself after raising the issue with the board. (This is particularly galling given the way that Nob and I handed the countback victory to Bruce by being sticklers for the rules of golf at the Gibbon).

The PR intervened, as the only ‘independent’ board member, and proposed to fine Bruce half of his RPs, which he then decided should be all of his RPs for the event, suspended until the 2014 Jug in the case of further malfeasance regarding competition reporting. According to the PR, Bruce did not take even his suspended sentence happily.

I’m sure I am not alone (I know that our erstwhile Captain and Constitutional Advocate is appalled by Bruce’s behaviour, and the lack of board creativity in coming up with a suitable punishment for Bruce’s bald faced lack of compliance, but with the President having a vested interest, to the enormous tune of £20, the subject was always going to stall. Anyone raising the matter with Dougal will simply be faced with his irrelevant argument about Bruce’s handicap being too high *cough 3 time WHV Open winner himself* and that the OoM was a done deal as a result)

So it turned out that the Gibbon was just as eventful off the course as it turned out to be on the course, and I’m sure the wider membership will be very interested in the priorities of some of the board members.

For the sake of posterity, here is the offending match report, as ‘provided’ by the ‘winner’ of the Gibbon – (you will note it failed to meet any of the requirements of a proper Competition Report – who won the Dog or Shark, how much money was awarded, etc. – but we now know the price of principle – 5 bob at 4 to 1, apparently).

The element in italics is ‘borrowed’ from this website (and worth reading again to understand how the ‘win at all costs’ approach is an increasing problem for our society);

2014 Gibbon Invitation Match Report

Venue:                    The Menzies Welcombe Golf Course, Stratford-upon-Avon

Date:                       1st March 2014

Entrees:                 Pres, TD, PR, Captain, Mike, Adam,  Bruce & NOB

For the 3rd year in row we returned to the Menzies for the Gibbon Invitation, sponsored by the reinstated TD, for another well organised event. Bacon rolls, 18 holes of golf and a Ham, Egg and Chips to finish it all off for the standard £40. And more importantly the sun came out!!!

Now, as I’m sure many of our readers know, and in our Captains words, “I am a sportsman and not a writer”, so here are a few bullet points of the days events, courtesy of our Captain :-

• The reinstated TD was full of vigour, as usual, but I am not looking forward to hearing about the machinations of Heartflood, if the Andover story (and especially the secret Virgin story) are anything to go by. His golf looked as spotty as ever – spectacularly good and spectacularly random
• The President is too used to me being his chauffeur, as he was able to miss the entrance to the car park and drive up the cart path in front of the club house. Good job he could join the caravan out of the car park in the dark, especially after seeing off the foot and half of Guinness for bringing up the rear in the golf – on his way back to the brink of category Z?
• Millers was dressed for an ascent of the north face of the Eiger, when in fact we were blessed with sunshine all the way round. He was also close to bipolar on the course, mumbling and grumbling about his inconsistency and stupidity, whilst still dropping 3 birdies into the mix (which seemed to follow directly from discussions he instigated about man on man loving)
• I didn’t get to play with him, but Gibraltar Mike seemed to be full of joie de vivre following his 42nd birthday, and his brand new Mondeo estate – we heard he was eating up the course, but just kept it steady rather than delivering the goods
• Adam was a revelation – he strode up the first tee, not with the Slammer or other such hand me down, but a pristine Taylor Made Burner 2.0 in pimped out white – and he proceeded to reveal the benefits of investing in equipment. Apparently his pro looked at his old bats and said that Tiger would struggle to find the sweet spot in them. Ads was in contention through 15 holes, but succumbed to the big finish at the Welcombe (as did I, and Millers), playing good solid golf, hitting good shots, and nearly winning Noz Nob some cash from the Gibbon
• Bruce, apparently was having a shocker until we crossed the road for the final four holes – likely in last place at that point. Then he birdied three of the last four (and parred the other) to post 35 points to win on countback – which he felt was justified having lost two tournaments on countback in 2013 (to keep his total to just 4!). So a threepeat for Juice, and renewed calls from the President for a cut – despite Bruce shooting 35 off 15.
• I managed to also post 35, despite putting like an idiot – including missing a 3 footer on the 18th. It was a blob free round – testament to scrambling rather than too much good golf. I’ve just seen Rory tank his tournament, so can’t feel too bad about missing out on a tenner.
• Highlight of the day was definitely the big reveal of Noz’s Hulk, which Nicola had embroidered that morning, and then texted everyone to look out for her handiwork. I have a picture for the match report, but fair to say she wins, again, for creating a new nickname for her husband, who shall henceforth be known as Nob.
• The big talking point was about rules and sportsmanship – which gifted the win to Bruce as both Nob and myself showed true stupidity. On the 15th, as I hacked up the hole to score a single point, Noz was looking to maximise, and had a 15 inch put for a par, but he was worried about it, and about standing on Millers’ line. So he marked the ball, which was then on Adam’s line. Asked to move his marker, Nob did and we all warned him not to forget to put it back. Adam and Millers holed out, and as Millers walked to the hole, he told Nob not to forget to move his marker. He promptly rolled in the putt, but from the wrong place. He claimed a 5 for 3 and then we all told him that it would be a 7 for 1, given how he didn’t move his marker. Cue an enormous amount of grumbling and near petulance, particularly as we walked from the 17th to 18th tees – he wanted to know exactly what the scores were – resulting in me Donking on course whilst Millers, who was moody after another blob, and Adam waited.
  • Completely distracted, and aware of the Big Dog being at stake, I teed up and hit a drive. And was then asked where I was teeing off from – as I’d hit from the ladies tee. Apparently this had been noted by my playing companions, but under encouragement from Nob, they decided not to point it out to me. Feeling like a proper idiot, I reloaded from the correct spot, melted a drive and then a five iron to the heart of the green, but took 3 putts from 20 feet to post a 7 for 1. At this point Nob started to challenge whether I should be disqualified from the hole, as taking 5 shots and scoring 7 wasn’t enough of a penalty in his view (take my point away and he’d be leading on countback – he may be many things, but he is not soft), insisting that I show him the rule where stroke and distance is the penalty for my error – threatening to bring Pete into the consultation
  • This is the second tournament in a row where a playing companion of mine has shown worrying ignorance of the rules of the game in a way that could swing something important in their favour on the last hole – without Pete or Ron or Rob there to speak with authority it would seem that we may need some refreshers to the proper R&A rules of golf to stop me having to try and get a signal to underline my own expertise!
  • I don’t have an issue with Nob trying to win at all costs, he has form for this kind of thing, but both Adam and Paul should really take a long look at themselves and how they’re feeling about sportsmanship, looking at their free Captain’s Kitchen Calendar whilst they’re doing it!
  • Should be noted that Dougal apart, we were all within 4 points of each other – a very tight finish that anyone could have won – but Bruce probably deserved it for as blistering a finish as we’ve ever seen
  • We ended with a good attempt at Ham Egg and Chips – the ham wasn’t really the best, but the bread and butter was a stroke of genius, with Milmore attempting to create the biggest little open sandwich seen in recent history.

All in all another great WHV event and hopefully see lots more of you at the PR Skins on the 12^th April 2014.

Dear Sir,

Do you experience ‘lulls’ in your working day?  We all do, 7 hours 24 mins is a long time at the coal face !!  Do not despair, help is at hand, just deploy this quick and easy to use Stratforward professional decision making tool to get your day back on track!  Simply select one of the following options and hey presto your working mojo will return:

a) open some post (least favoured option due to the ridiculous modern practice of hiding the contents of most postal correspondence WITHIN the envelop)

b) scour your company servers for key customers highly sensitive and commercially confident information and then email it to a random collection of your mates (favourite so far)

c) beg your council bosses for the release of ‘your’ business finance that they have had to collect from your ‘customers’, who actually have no choice but to get involved in your crackers ‘partnership’ (a close second)

d) graze the Internet for bongo on your new iPhone 5 (very attractive option unless your professional lull occurs after 11am by which time you will no doubt be maxed out for the day)

e) contact top mid-tier firm BDO Stoy Hayward LLP UK to arrange a special due diligence exercise on your organisation (need to hurry as the £200,000 special deal is a 50% discount on normal rates and is only available for a limited time)

f) contact your already overworked legal team for an update on the latest batch of lawsuits taken out against you (good option but more than likely to occupy the entire remainder of your working day anyway)

Cheers, Miller.

They won something – I think it might have been for silver service at a local OAP barn, judging by the picture.

Here is a message from Sponsor and Players Rep Mr Brown

Here is the list of players, timings and details for the most eagerly awaited event since the Captain’s Matchplay Event…..

13 Confirmed Players:
The Players Rep, The President, The Captain, The TD, The Web Donk, Noz, Coops, Pal O Onions, Bacon, Brucey, Ads, Austhuizen & Millers.

Please all bring with you £35 in cash which is payable directly to The Players Rep and covers the green fee, coffee, bacon roll and entry fee.

The idea of the skins event is a ‘shoot at flags’ scenario, there is no need for play of a conservative nature, so bring your aggressive game with you.

There is a significant purse up for grabs along with some excellent spot prizes, including the fabulous prize of ‘Win a Round With Ron & Coops’. All of the spot prizes and skins event rules will be revealed when we meet for breakfast,
which will be served at 9.00am.

I have provided the admin team at Stonebridge Golf Club with all of the players email addresses so that they can send you a 241 voucher – Another example of the Players Rep thinking about the Society.

I have also arranged for some excellent weather with the big fella upstairs, so Bacon Bonce I suggest you bring your sun cream for your bonce.

That’s it from me for now. Look forward to seeing you all at 9.00am on Saturday morning

Luckily, the Captain is also a Professor and smarter than the rest of the society put together and informed us that the appendix of the 2008 paper almanac, which he always carries with him lists the handicap at 25.5

Incidentally, Pal O Onions goes by a Sunday name of Paul Burton and his previous form is an early withdrawal from the 2008 Jug at Hill Valley. Probably worth an each way sniff.

I’m not going to be updating the king o’ tables as it was not a stapleforth event, and will get to the handicaps later – I believe Aust and I will be getting cut, again.

I’ve also tidied up the Notable Efforts page to include the flurry of birdies and Bruce’s eagle. I’ve also had a claim from Ron to have holed out for an eagle at the 2008 Presidents – the one where it really really rained and Curt won. He’ll need corroborating statements for this because I’ve never heard of it, and I was playing that day.

Still got a bit more to do to bring everything up to date…

From your erstwhile Player’s Representative…

The next event on the tour is fast approaching – the 2010 Players Rep Skins.

Here is the list of current subscribers, if your names not on the list please confirm asap as I need to sort the numbers out by this Wednesday.

Venue: Stonebridge
Bacon Sandwich/Coffee: 9.00am
Tee Times: From 10.00am
Cost: £35.00 all inclusive
Buggies: Available at £15 on the day
Confirmed entrants: The Players Rep, The President, The Captain, The TD, The Web Donk, Coops, Bruce, Bacon, Aust, Ads, Pal O Onions
Cheers
PR

For a quick refresher on the format for the Skins – https://whvgolf.com/2010/03/29/whv-skins-get-on/

I noticed the following exchange in the recent emails about the forthcoming Captain’s. The opportunity was there for Board members to connive on the sensitive subject of handicaps, particularly that of Big Ron – who might be a little worried that he’s only in 2nd place in the OoM and his big wager with PedroPower might be in jeopardy (can you see the flaw in his plan here?)

Ron – Skip can you review my handicap please?

Pete – What, have you been playing well recently?

Ron – Lol, No

Pete – I have reviewed the website and your handicap is -1.4.  While I can adjust handicaps on general play outside of WHV events; I would only tend to do this on general good play. Unless, maybe, someone lost a leg or something.

Otherwise it would be very suspect should someone ‘raised’ then go onto win an WHV event, or maybe even the OOM. In fact, I imagine there would be a revolt.

At the AGM the incoming Captain recommends handicap changes. Last year, I recommended considerable increases for 2 people who thought they were better than they actually are. Should next years’ Captain make a similar recommendation to you; I strongly advise that you accept the recommendation.

I have every expectation of a great performance from you at the Captain’s Match play. Pedro Power agree – they have installed you as second-favourite after the Captain himself. Match play is more about bottle than form, so  – to a degree – handicaps are irrelevant anyway. I think you’ll do well.

WHVgolf.com says…Well Done Skipper, this is patent sharkery and banditism

Add a Cabbage and he'd be on Crackerjack

I’m going to post a whole load of stuff now.

Ron handily provided the Skins instructions in pdf format – I don’t really support files on the site, but you can read the rules in their original state here.

Event Details
– Saturday 14th August
– Entry Fee @ 10 Lads Per Boy
– Venue (TBC)
– There Are 26 Skins Available as follows:
– Each hole is worth 1 (x18)
– Each par 3 nearest the pin is worth 1 (x4)
– Each longest drive is worth 1 (x4)
– Potential ‘Pot Sweetener’ from The Players Rep to bulk up the prize fund 
 

Prize Fund Breakdown
– 16 Lads extracted for the 8 nearest pins/longest drives (2 Lads Each)
– Remaining prize fund divided by 18 for the amount awarded for each skin. If only 1 skin is won then all of the prize fund for the 18 skins will go to that player. If 4 skins are won (LOL) then the monies aside for the 18 hole skins will be divided by 4 and each player will win that amount.

How It Works
 
The longest drive and nearest the pin skins are straight forward. The winning of each hole is a little more complex – worked out as follows: 

The nett scores from every player will be viewed at the end of the round (there is no need for players to complete a stableforth score or even finish a hole if they know they cannot match or beat the score of a playing partner – should help speed of play), a player must win the hole outright in order to receive a skin. If 2 or more players have the lowest score any hole, the hole will not be won and no skins will be awarded. 
 
It is actually possible that only a few players will win skins (outside of the nearest pin / longest drive skins) it is also possible that none of the 18 skins will be won – unlikely though. 
 
This format and game definitely favours the players who receive more than 1 shot on several holes, more than 1 nett eagle on a particular hole is of course unlikely, and therefore would almost definitely win a skin. 

WHVGS Ranking Points
 
I believe that the WHVGS minor points scoring system in accordance with T2.2 will work if the board will accept total number of skins replacing stableforth points to decide winner, runner up etc. 
 

A Little Extra From The Players Rep
 
I will be adding a further spot prize ‘A Round With Ron & Coops’ to be played at Ladbrook Park, courtesy of the Players Rep. The winner of this spot prize can also choose a partner – must be a member of WHVGS, to make up a fourball. (As and when this occurs we may offer this date, obviously at least a week prior, for a potential WHVGS Minor). Details of
how the spot prize will be awarded will be sorted out nearer the time – it may well be to the discretion of The Players Rep. 

If you want to enter the Inaugural Skins Event – email the Players Rep now: arran@brownandcooper.co.uk
 . (Ron, count me in)

As the reporting member of the society, I currently have NO IDEA how this skins thing will work, or how I will report it – I’ll have to look up how they report the Vegas skins on the PGA tour and stuff. It’s not clear to me if the WHV skins roll-over, hole-by-hole, like they do in professional golf…