It seems that Boyce was right all along. Shocker. Just about keeping up to your handicap will see you in contention at most WHV events. Stating the obvious, but that is his job. And he wasn’t at this event, at his home course – which is scandalous.

Of the previous 9 WHV events, Donk or FFS have won 7 – it’s getting a bit silly – and we often are winning with scores lower than 36. As your Captain, I will continue to provide the advice that Blobs lose events.

Having said that, some of us remember playing Shirley GC for an early event, during some ‘works’ and the abiding image is that of trench warfare. Stonebridge was in marginally better nick than the legendary Passchendale round. Several of the elevated fairways were like a rugby pitch. All tee shots were off mats. And it was rammed full of the usual duffer plumbers and other tattoed boys, so took nearly 5 hours to get round. Still, the weather was decent. And, crucially, it cost less than a pound a hole to play. The adventure golf probably costs more.

We realised it was a gathering of hardy veterans – we’ll all have well over 100 events in the bank, and if I ever get any time to sort out a couple of blank years, I’d be able to see if we had over 1000 events between the six of us. It’s a shame not to have the good new ones like Pickle, but waiting for Finch to find his ball, or Boyce to put his jacket on again is quite refreshing. Oh and Doug had had a trim ahead of his Japanese trip, took years off him.

Having been presented with the decrepit venerable Spoon – the grip is now truly done for and there are splits in the head – I managed to split the fairway and get us underway. Been a while since I’ve played with the Pres, and it took him a while to get going at this event – 2 points through eight holes had us worried about replicating a couple of legenday Brissle efforts, but Spike retains the low man, although I’m pretty confident that Baxter got very close to it around the dunes at Burnham. He kind of turned it around at Stonebridge, with only 2 blobs on the back nine to go with the 7 from the front nine.

We were playing with Shite Mike, and as usual, nothing interesting happening there – I think he got a par and had a handful of blobs on the way to carding 28 points. Finishing 4th I think.

It was good to welcome Bruce back into the fold, and to immediately realise what we were missing – grumbling about handicaps, spraying his ball around like an Iranian missile silo and manufacturing controversy and victimisation. His round looked like the usual mix of pars and blobs, scoring 24, but also birdie on the last.

Our sponsor got 15 out and 15 back to finish in 3rd on 30 points. Couple of pars, couple of blobs. Decent.

The OCD one did well not to lose his mind over the mud, the slow play, the mats and anything else that might have triggered him. Out in 12, back in 19 to card a decent round in the circumstances. He also beat Bruce to the dog in some weird fake scandal of fairway edging that the 3 ball were pleased to explain had been resolved by means of a coin toss. There are pictures and tears, but frankly no one cares.

As the OoM and Jug winner, and having won a couple of other events last year I was starting with a decent chop. Add in my overdue Jug Match Report, I was giving 5 shots to the field against my handicap of 18. I had it on a string though and shot an 82 to score 36. No blobs and almost holed out on the last, walking off with a tap in. I was also the only one to find the green on the Shark – unlike Gregs, who nearly hit Dug and Me with an severely topped or overclubbed effort. Maybe I need to play on bog tracks more often…

I am very happy to be carrying another penalty stroke for another year and considering how to protect the Munich on our weekend in Palma.

It’s Boyce’s turn to win tomorrow, I hope he hates Port – I’ve won the Trinomial back to back and neither of my prizes were a Tawny.

Slightly later than normal for me, the update from the first WHV event for 2025, the
Spittle Sheild, from Stonebridge Golf Club, Sunday 2 nd March 2025.
A great afternoon in the sunshine, which is very unusual for the first WHV outing of
the year, and a good deal made for the golf including a full English breakfast,
although it is possibly an advantage, maybe for Catto and Boycie, as its their home
track.
After the hearty full English breakfast we were all ready to tee off in the beautiful
sunshine. Noz threw the balls up and the groups were sorted as follows:-
Group 1. Boycie, Greggs and Pickle
Group 2. Prez, Catto and Juice
Group 3. Donk, Idiot and Millers
Group 4. Noz, Mike, Woolley and Pk
The course was in good condition particularly after all the rain in the previous months
aided by the sunshine over the last few days and today.
A message was received from Noz, noone out of the thirteen of us managed to hit
the green on the shark hole so it was moved to the 13 th hole for us all to have
another go. This resulted in the Pres winning the shark but not making the birdie.

This next bit is from Donk and he shares what happened on the 9 th hole with his
group
“On the 9th hole, where Idiot (Rob) holed out for 5 points, I’d hit my ball o/B. We saw
some legs in the trees being a bit odd as we approached, but as the lads went to
their drives, I went into the trees to see if I could find my ball. There, facing me, was
a bloke having a piss, and behind him, his Mrs squatting down. “We’re having a
quick piss” he said. “Fair enough, did you see a ball in here?” “Nah mate” – he’s still
pissing, about 15 feet in front of me. I tell Rob about this, and he gets a bit furtive. He
claimed that any glimpse of a fanny in the wild gets him fired up, but seeing as how
he holed out, I reckon he’s a secret piss fetishist who was extremely fired up at the
thought of a hot squat happening so close by.
Idiot off his generous handicap and Boyce with the home course advantage were
both playing steady but Idiot had had a couple of burdies and a 5 pointer at least.
Noz waited until he’d had a go at the dog and then walked in with just 19 points.
Boyce scored 35 points to take the win and Idiot got 34 points to finish second but
Donk mentioned he drove into a bush on one of his two shot holes, went looking for
his ball, got distracted by a minty looking Taylormade (!) in a different bush, tried to
get that – turned out to be half a ball, so he walked in rather than R4, with 2 shots.
Pretty much cost him a win that should have been built off his two birdies and a
clutch of pars.
A great day enjoyed by all and thanks as usual to Simon (Donk)for all the donking
and hopefully some additional photos.

Overall score and positions
1 st 35 points Boycie
2 nd 34 points Idiot 2ith 2 birds 1for 5 points
3 rd 33 points PK
4 th 32 points Vegas
5 th 31 points Miller
6 th 30 points Donk with a birdie
7 th 30 points Juice
8 th 28 points Woolley
9 th 28 points Catto
10 th 27 points Greggs plus the Dog
11 th 27 points Butters
12 th 26 points Prez plus the shark after moving as no-one hit original green
13 th 19 points Noz (walked off)

Editors Note – very little coverage of the Dog

It was ages ago now I sit down to write this, but the 2025 Trinimonionial was memorable for a couple of things – the Sponsor brought his “mates”, and said mates played in a fourball with the Red Queen.

In the post round sunshine, with the heaviest garden furniture known to humankind, the Captain recorded all the scores and relevant details – comfortable after posting a good score, even with a slight wobble on the final couple of holes. Then the Copt Heath card was dropped on the table, and the Red Queen had him by a point. Bugger. They were all extolling how well he’d played. Fair go to the lad – probably explains why they were about 3 holes behind the Captains group.

Having been burned before, the Skipper checked the winning score – and lo and behold – too many points allocated on a par 3. They’d both finished with 40 points for the day. Both had 17 on the front and impressive 23’s on the back – solid par golf mostly. Countback went to back six, and the Captain snatched a victory to defend his title and win another bottle of port – and let the sponsor off on his offer of beers in Dorridge. With an ex-drinker. Still, this bottle of non-tawny can become a decanter once drunk…

The track was pretty decent, a bit weird. Several Rob baiting wooden aviary statues dotted around the course, giant giant mansions course-side, excellent nose bag. The pork baps were top notch, and the bacon rolls so good that Pickle ate three to combat his 5am hangover. Weirdest thing was, on a sunny Sunday afternoon – no one was on the course but us. Ghost town.

Society Notables

We saw three birdies today

• Gregs hit a “shit” iron to 4 feet
• Wool holes out from the fairway
• Copters birdied 5th

The Cat won a very underwhelming Dog up the 18th. Miller converted his Shark.

And Copters won the Stein, but isn’t in Newcastle – so was able to nominate an attendee to steward it for the weekend

Results

• Pres 16 with 8 blobs
• Chris 19 with a bird and 5 blobs
• Noz 25 with 3 blobs
• Pickle 26 with 4 blobs
• Jay 26 with 2 blobs 
• Catto 27 with 5 blobs
• Woolly 27 with a bird and 4 blobs
• Idiot 29 with 4 blobs
• Al 30 with 2 blobs
• Copters 32 one bird and 2 blobs 
• Miller 40 with 1 blob
• Donk 40 with 7 pars and 2 blobs

A Word About the Sponsor

Clearly losing his marbles a little – this was the first outing for his bougie new bats. He played dreadfully with them – having his seven iron rubbed over the single testicle of the Red Queen can’t have helped. He was contemplating further purchases, and someone from the society should really have taken him up on the sale of his former set, and his wedges – the bloke keeps his shit tidy, even if it is sometimes bent to a weird angle or bounce.

This was, as usual, a singular track – announced way too far in advance, and with too many Copt Heath lads, but I won the memorial again – so all is good.

As we travelled to the darkest heart of Warwickshire, we weren’t sure how much of the Atherstone course would be open, or if we’d have the ignominy of mats or temporary greens. Turns out that only 15 holes were ready for play – and we agreed as a society with the view of the pro, that we wouldn’t want to play the first three holes again after walking the fifteen that were open. An important decision, it turns out.

The club seemed a super friendly place – the food was half decent, and the track was challenging, lots of changes of elevation and unusual fairways – ideal for the range of talents in our esteemed society.

Shamefully, the OoM Champ hadn’t sorted his custody of the Spoon, too busy challenging the year long one shot chop that he had never heard of…he’s shameless enough to stand as a Conservative MP

It was great news for these guys – they weren’t in a group with the horse bothering cheat.

At the same time, Finch was spraying the ball everywhere, Gregs was in his own world, and Stiffy McStiff was pretty stiff

The course was in pretty decent nick considering how much rain the climate scientists had caused, but we were picking and placing, which always helps.

There were some easy holes and some challenging holes – well worth a revisit with a bigger representation of our society

There was some weird Gregs style thing where Rob had to run to the 11th green and we all had to guess how many seconds it would take. The Idiot hustled and recorded himself doing it – I think Pickle won this pointless thing. There was also a tote.

Onto the golf – the young Pickler played well, and would probably have won over 18 holes – but the Donk held out, they both opened their tour season with bird on the card, and kept the blobs under control.

So, some winners pics – the Dog was AWOL

The 2023 Amy Austin should really have been taking place in Spanish sunshine, with the erstwhile Tour Director in attendance, but some boys were a bit worried about tightening their belts.

So Juice looks to have sorted an excellent UK alternative out, but is also being quite a princess about things

A long drive south for most of us to the gated compound of Remedy Oak, to a car park full of Porsche and range rovers. Finch and I were the latest to arrive, and were told by all that the clubhouse was luxurious and food excellent, and so it turned out to be. A very tidy bacon and egg ciabatta for £6.50, and a lovely lucky bag from the sponsor/venue

Due to some late withdrawals, we were five three balls. Pickle started the day with an epic whiff on the first, but wasn’t alone in finding the early driving challenging.

Remedy Oak is treelined, undulating with a lot of water features. Ideal for golfers of our standard. I personally had three looks at birdie in the first six holes, but only made one. And then it started to rain.

Like really rain.

The kind of rain that sees football matches called off.

Or the event grandee, after whose daughter the event is named, walk in.

But to the credit of the rest of the society, particularly our colonial members who arrived without waterproofs and/or umbrella, we all put in 18 holes.

The scoring wasn’t great, averaging 23 as a society against generous handicapping. Boyce hit a nice shot into 9 to take the Shark off Noz. Catto wrote in pen on the longest drive marker asking for pencil only, his 205 harder dogging to all of our shame (in pissing rain).

Many boys scored way worserer on the back nice, as did the Captain, but a couple more pars to go with some excellent early work saw me in presumed contention, in the rain, on 18. My drive was blocked out from all but a corner of the green, so I played the percentages and laid up to have a shot at the flag. My wedges had been dialled in all day, but the wet ground and winds meant it was a high tariff shot – I cleared the lake and plugged, by about three feet. Two putts and I was in for 33, a point ahead of COVID Catto and Juice who’d recovered from being unable to drive on the front nine.

The Amy is usually our best attended minor, good ranking points. Pete (thoughts and wishes mate) and Crybaby (should be ashamed) meant we weren’t quite at full strength – but still a good turnout and great attitude despite terrible weather for at least ten holes.

Our night in Bournemouth needs to be chronicled by the Jug winner, but here are notes…pizza with a fork, Tom and his hair, Pickle on the tequila rose and the slug and lettuce full of students young enough to be our kids. Oh and Donk and Finch heading to a tap room for an excellent pork pie with English mustard and relish whilst we charged the Beige Bus

Bring on the Jug

18 September 2022

The penultimate competition and final major before the CJ weekend is upon us, and what has become known as the beautifully formed 8, are headed to Studley Wood Golf Club, Oxfordshire, for the Son of Pedro. 

Catto and I arrive around 13:00 and Vegas and Aust are already there with Vegas tucking into sandwich and chips. Aust relays to us his comedy sketch of where he has fallen through the ceiling with his legs dangling and his better half looking up and laughing at the sight she saw.

We head for the first tee slowly waiting for Juice to quickly get changed and join us on the tee. The balls are thrown up by the Pres and the two groups decided.

Group 1 is Greggs, Bacon, Vegas and Boyce.

Group 2 is the Pres, Catto, Aust and Juice 

It’s agreed we play off the silver tees and use the handicaps posted on the chart on the tee minus any penalties as there appears to be a discrepancy with these and the ones the captain has posted, and on this dry blustery day everyone needs every shot they can get.

The greens according to the Pro are the best in the county and we soon find they are fast and very undulating to say the least.

We tee off on the first and its and indifferent start and after 5 holes Boyce, Vegas & Bacon are all on 7 points and Greggs, who is playing well on his 3rd consecutive day of golf on 12 points.

However, this was not as good as the 2nd group with Juice parring the first 5 holes and clearly in the lead on 15 points, Catto on 10, Pres on 8 and Aust on 3.

The wheels then come off for Greggs who only manages 2 points on the next 4 holes including the 8th hole which, is the shark hole. A nice par 3 over water into a good headwind.  Boyce goes first and is just off the green to the right.  Greggs is next and tops it into the water, Vegas goes next and finds the front of the green, and proceeds to inform us that he has played in all the WHV events this year and that this is the first time he has hit the green on a shark hole. Butters goes last and he also hits the green and is closer than Vegas so has one hand on the shark.

However, this isn’t good enough as Aust, who playing his first game of the season also gets on the green and is closest to the hole and he wins the shark. 

After 9 holes the scores in group1 are Boyce on 16, Greggs 14, Bacon 12 and Vegas on 11. In group 2 the scores are much closer as Juice has slowed up on his par scoring and is on 20, Cat 19, Pres 18 and Aust on 10.

The 10th is another par 5 and Boyce fails to score after putting his ball into the lake on the left twice and Juice who is coming down the 9th also lands in it after just missing Greggs. Vegas pars for 3 points with Bacon and Greggs getting 2 points. 

With just two holes left to play Boyce is on 28, Greggs 27, Bacon 25 and Vegas 19. In group 2 the scores are still close with Juice 31, Pres 30, Cat 29, and Aust on 17. 

The 17th appears to have a big impact in deciding the outcome of the result as Boyce hits his 3rd shot into the wind onto the green leaving a 3-4ft fast downhill putt for birdie, which he holes for 4 points. Cat and Greggs make 6 for 2 points, Pres and Bacon make 7 for 1 point with Juice, Vegas and Aust no score.

The 18th and final hole is another par 5 and the Dog hole but it is SI 18 so no shots for most either. The scores are even tighter with Boyce now on 32, Juice, Cat & the Pres 31, Greggs 29, Bacon 26, Vegas 19 and Aust 17.  It’s a great view from the top of the hill and a great Dog hole however. no one in our group manages to find the fairway. It seems the group behind think the 150 marker is the mark but once confirmed that no one in our group hit the fairway it is realised that Juice has won the dog.  Boyce having found his first tee shot just shy of the cabbage manages to make another 1 putt for par. The Cat and Juice also par and Greggs manages to 3 putt again for a 6 for 1 point and everyone else blobs leaving Boyce as the winner on 34 points.

The final altered standings (after some later scrutiny of the scorecards, by the markers, did not affect the winner but unfortunately it did alter 2nd and 3rd place and could have an impact on the OOM with the Cat actually finishing 2nd on countback and Juice 3rd ;  

Boyce 34 (£15)

Cat 33 (14 on back 9) (£10)

Juice 33 (13 on back 9) (£5)

Pres 31

Greggs 30

Bacon 26

Vegas 19

Aust 17

The Shark Aust (£5)

The Dog Juice (£5)

Due to Millers failing to pass on the Dog as promised there was no Dog to be presented but Vegas superimposed one onto the photo.

Also, on the 18th, the societies exhibitionist was at it again, although this time he is clearly wearing pants. The young deer on the 15th 

The young deer on the 15th 

6th August 2022

The Donk Download 2022 is all set to return to The Welcome Golf Club, in Stratford upon Avon and Millers has merged the event with the Miller’s Mindtwist and as such has kindly done all the arranging for this year’s event, even sending numerous messages to all participants of the urgency to reimburse him the event costs, direct into his account, as he has fully paid for everyone!!!

It is due to be another fine hot sunny day and Miller’s joins Catto and I in the Cat’s truck to the venue. It seems Miller’s has managed to strain his back weightlifting (after ignoring advice not to do weights) and winces over every bump on the way to the venue. The three of us arrive in plenty of time and the Cat is driving extremely slowly over the sleeping policemen to protect Miller’s back only to get the horn from a red car behind which is about to get some abuse when it is realised it’s just Noz thinking Catto doesn’t know he is driving a truck.

We get inside the club to find Idiot (Robbie) and Little Nelly (Neil) inside a room that has been set-aside for the Paul Milmore Society, what? Not for the WHV Golf Society, is that discredoration?

We enjoy a bacon roll and head to the first tee and all wait for Millers to throw the balls up, to sort the groups out in the usual way. He just about manages to throw them all out of his cap and the groups are decided;
Group 1 – Pickle/HiO (Jon), Catto (Martin), Millers (Paul), Dreamy (Dennis)
Group 2 – Little Nelly (Neil), Donk (Simon), Noz (William), Idiot (Robbie)
Group 3 – Boyce (Steve), Bacon (Mike), Woolly (Paul), Greggs (Chris)
Our group is evenly handicapped with Bacon, Woolly and Boyce off 15 and Greggs the low boy of the group off 11.

The first is a par 5 and the first two groups tee off in the glorious sunshine soon followed by our group. Despite going into the bunker off the tee I still manage to make par as does Mike, with Woolley a 6 and Greggs a 7. That seems to set the pattern for the first 9 including the 6th hole which is the shark hole. By the time we reach it no one in the previous two groups has hit the green!! Greggs goes first and hits the green but his ball just rolls off to left, Mike pulled his shot left and then Woolley hit the green and was looking good for the shark until Boyce also hits the green and is just inside him to win the shark. Boyce then proceeded to hit his 20ft birdie putt a wee bit firmly but fortunately for him straight into the pin and into the hole for the birdie. Not so lucky for Woolley who 3 putts for a four.

We reach the halfway hut and Woolley is on 11, Greggs is on 12, Bacon is on 14 and Boyce (me) is on 21 points without a blob.
The hot warm sunny weather has remained but does mean the course is busy and going is slow, however this does mean we often see group 2 waiting on the next tee.

On one occasion we catch up with them and Idiot (Rob) is lying on the floor, in the shade, with his phone out showing Noz an app he has on his phone which tells you the name of the bird that is singing/tweeting. Noz is looking quite intrigued.

Millers has also been seen to what can only be described as looking as though he is praying to Mecca for assistance.
Back to the golf and the 2nd nine. Following our stop at the halfway house to get a drink or some chocolate. I have a nice Peroni but then proceed to hit my drive into the trees and take a 7 on the 10th and my first blob. I get back to scoring steadily, as does Greggs, who seems to suddenly find his game after also taking 7 on the 10th.

We reach the 18th tee, the Dog hole, and the marker is still on the Tee and we wonder if someone has forgotten to take it to mark the longest drive. Alas that was not the case and despite his moaning about not catching the drive correctly Greggs is the only person who manages to keep his ball on the fairway and by default, he wins the Dog and he makes birdie to score 19 points from the 11th hole to score 31 points overall.

Mike comes back with 11 points and overall, 25 points. Woolley comes back with 13 points and overall, 24 points with yours truly 15 points on the back 9 with a total 36 points and the win.

Full Result
1st Boyce 36 points and wins back-to-back Downloads and defends his title (£15)
2nd Noz 32 points (£10)
3rd Greggs 31 points (£5)
4th Donk 31 points
5th Nelly 28 points
6th Idiot 27 points
7th Dreamy 27 points
8th Miller 27 points
9th Catto 25 points
10th Butters 25
11th Woolly 24 points
12th Pickle 21 Points

Boyce won the shark (£5) and made the birdie
Greggs won the Dog (£5) the only person on the fairway, and made the birdie.

The captain announces the scores as usual in reverse order and once Boyce is announced as the winner, Millers decides to change who wins what prizes he has and gives the bottle of red wine to 2nd placed Noz and the blues paraphernalia (which had been donated by HiO Jon some time ago) to Boyce, along with a plastic trophy, he has found in his loft the day before, which he has carefully removed the plaque from.

Unfortunately, he drops the trophy whilst handing it to Boyce and it breaks into several plastic pieces, and then proceeds to blame Boyce.


PS. It seems that Idiot missed the presentation due to a sext message he received on the 18th and so had to rush off .

The President’s 2022 – Stratford Park Hotel & Golf Club.

Apologies to the President for the delay in submitting my match report.

On arriving at Millers gaff, he decides he is overdressed and swops his trousers for a pair of shorts, rumour has it he wanted to show off his legs…Dreamy.

While on the journey to the course I bored Millers with my visit to Heartlands all day Wednesday 11th May with a suspected heart attack which turned out to be severe indigestion……!!

On arrival at the Golfclub we found PK and Pickle wandering around the courtyard, then this big guy appeared who Millers made a B line straight to, we were introduced to the new lad Dennis.

During breakfast the President drew names for the matches and groups,

• Match 1. PK versus Greggs score 1 – 2.
• Match 2. Pickle versus Catto score 0 – 3.
• Match 3. Woolly versus Dreamy score 2 – 1.
• Match 4. Juice versus Miller score 1 – 2.
• Match 5. Idiot versus Noz score 3 – 0. 
• Match 6. Pres versus Jimenez score 3 – 0.

The results giving the President a 10 – 8 win over Donk/Noz’s team.

The talk after the golf while enjoying a few beers in the sun was on how the President’s golf bag with all his metal badges had got on the Idiot’s nerves for 9 holes and had to be removed for the back 9 holes in group 3.

In group 2 Millers apparently had been following Dreamy all around the course in and out of the woods looking for balls.

Group 1 had the exhibitionist Greggs who decided on the 3rd or 4th hole the weather was too hot for underwear so stripped off and went commando….

Results for the other competition were as follows,

• 1st Catto 31 points.
• The Dog – Jimenez
• 2nd President 29 points.
• The Shark – Woolly
• 3rd Idiot 29 points.

Then the final competition began a ‘throw off’ between Juice and the baseball player Dreamy, this took place on the driving range with the golf balls of choice, not sure if there was a winner declared but I’m told the event will be decided on the beaches of Cyprus with many side bets….

Very enjoyable day with excellent playing conditions, lovely weather and a very surprised winner myself.

CATTO.

Tricky to read on the phone, so get your iPad or laptop handy to soak in the glorious memories of last year’s WHV Open

Access the report here

https://digital-catalogue.co.uk/whv/#p=1