WHVGS 2014 Amy Austin & President’s Classic Report

Because of totally rubbish weather at the otherwise immaculately organised President’s Classic, the Friday of the 2014 WHVGS Claret Jug Weekender was played for both The Amy Austin and The President’s Classic

It was held at Prince’s Golf Course in Sandwich, Kent.  A really beautiful and historic course, which has held, Open Championships, British Amateur Championships and now a much-coveted WHV event.  I doubt whether my count-back win will make the winners boards in the Clubhouse but I’m sure that the WHVGS has left quite a few things at Prince’s – mainly lost golf balls.

We had all made different arrangements to get down to Kent and as Mrs Buttery had been on the razz the previous night I had to make my own way down on Friday morning.  That did however mean I could listen to Stereolab, Aphex Twin, Boards of Canada et al without getting moaned at by our Oasis and Long Pigs-loving TD.

The groupings went very well for me as I was grouped with Donk, Millers and Woolly.  Being grouped with Donk can sometimes lead to him getting a little bit arsey with me as I keep asking how far it is to the green.  However, Donk and Millers were able to furnish me with a little gem of information that may mean I never need to ask for yardage again.  Apparently good courses put yardages on every sprinkler on the fairway – who’d have thunk it.  Anyway to say that little piece of information was life-changing or at least round changing is the understatement of the year.  I may now be able to play 18 holes of golf in the future without royally pissing off Noz…perhaps.

Anyway, my golf was pretty good all day.  I drove OK-ish, hit my irons straight and putted well.  After nine holes I was on 17 points and scored another 17 on the back 9 to finish with 34.

It was actually tight at the top with 8 of us scoring 30 and above and I only beat Boycie on count-back after he bottled a 2ft putt on the 18^th which would have given him 35.  As it turned out that slip was the only one Boycie made all weekend as swept all before him to win the Claret Jug and Green Jacket.

All in all, it was a great day, the weather was beautiful, the course was in excellent condition and was testing and I won my first piece of silverware/glassware since 2011.  Many congratulations should go to Doug for his excellent organisational skills.

Finally, the official payouts of the event were as follows: 1st with 34 Points and winning £15 was Bacon and 2nd with 34 Points and winning £10 was Boycie.  The Big Dog and £5 went to The President and the Shark and £5 went to Bruce.

Congratulations to all the winners and hopefully see you all at The Spoonholder’s Salver and end of season social.

Bacon.

Just don’t ask him, or Greggors, to explain about the state of the locksmith job market in Gibraltar…

Good luck to him, but that is 3 or 4 rounds over 40 points in a single tour year!

Here’s his report:

The inaugural Spoon Holder’s Salver was held on Saturday 5 November on the Derby Course at The Belfry and as I had won the 2010 WHVGS Order of Merit, it was my honour to organise and host the day. The final event of the 2011 WHVGS Tour had been spiced up by Bruce winning the Claret Jug 2 weeks before after 2 great rounds at Celtic Manor. Bruce’s win now meant that the 2011 Order of Merit was a straight shoot out between the holder of the WHV Green Jacket and myself. And what spiced it up even further was that the eventual winner would be the first WHV’er to win 2 Order of Merits and therefore the first to have 2 stars on their shirt.

Skin Tight Muscle Queen

A nice traditional view of a woman's role in Golf. Prominently displayed at the Belfry

As normal, the day started with bacon sarnies. After an initial hope that we would be able to help ourselves to the bacon and put as much as we wanted in our baps, we were rudely interrupted by the breakfast waitress who insisted on helping us and thereby only allowing the normal 2 rashers. This led to serious disappointment amongst us all as the potential bread to bacon ratio was being seriously reduced before our eyes. On the plus side the waitress did “cop a feel” of Greggers’ pecs through his newly purchased camp muscle shirt, not that she had much say in the matter. You’ll all be glad to hear that he kept his “boy” to himself.

Relaxed

Free coursplanners were a nice touch

A Very Shiny Trophy

Even with the thought of a head to head with Bruce for our second OoM stars, I was feeling very relaxed about the day’s golf and the weather only helped with this. While it was a bit chilly and required me to wear my lucky woolly hat, the sun was bright and there was no wind or rain to greet us. The picking of groups for the day went ahead while we waited for the bus to take us to the first tee and balls landed well for me as I was placed with Ron and Web Donk in the first threesome. Bruce was placed in the final four-ball and we were then bussed off to the first tee.

Waiting for the Bus

Could You Guess That The Group Ball Toss is actually behind his head?

On his way to over 40 points, again

Pole Position, but Bruce never came close

My first tee shot of the day was pretty good and relatively straight up the middle of the fairway. This bode well for me for the rest of the round and so it turned out. The front nine on the Derby has 2 holes that involve you playing from underneath electricity pylons. Now I know the Government tells us that these are perfectly safe and not at all cancer-causing, but I’m not totally convinced and the way my clubs seemed to be vibrating very loudly as I walked down the fairway underneath the pylons, I’m not sure they were convinced either. That said, it didn’t seem to affect my golf too much, which was progressing well and I felt I was clawing back some of my form from the start of the season.

Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for some of my fellow WHV’ers. While I didn’t witness the following events myself, it seems only right that they should be shared with the wider world. First up we have Millers, happily on the 5th green for 3, which was a nett 1. All sounds OK so far. Unfortunately 6 putts later Millers was a broken man and left the hole with nein points. Secondly we have Nozzer and his amazing flying clubs. So hard were they thrown that both the shaft of his sand wedge and the leg of his bag are now permanently bent. That’s a lot of pent-up frustration if I’ve ever seen it. Finally we have the TD, who once again apparently became entranced by some local shell fish/molluscs. I’m reliably informed that the TD became fascinated by the presence of thousands of “full hammer” fresh water mussels, whilst playing out of a lake…I do think the lake was pretty much dry.

Back to the proper golf that was taking place. After nine holes I was on 21 points and could feel myself starting to feel far more relaxed about the Order of Merit. I should also say that during the front 9 we had the nearest the pin on the 7th which was eventually won by Campo and the nearest the pin in two (The Bacon Wash-Up) on the 9th which was won by Ron.

The back nine continued in the much same vein for me. My drives were going relatively straight and on the whole where I wanted them to go. My irons and putting were also working well as were my bunker escapes and I was therefore also scoring well. So well in fact that I scored 22 points on the back 9 to give me a final total of 43 points. As I was in the first group out, I had to wait for about 30 minutes to see how everyone else had done. As the other groups arrived back at the clubhouse it became apparent that no one had bettered my 43 points and I was consequently crowned as winner of the 2011 Spoon Holder’s Salver. More importantly, I was also announced as winner of the 2011 Order of Merit and had thereby successfully defended my 2010 Order of Merit. During the back 9 we also had the Longest Drive competition on the 18th and the “Big Dog” was once again won by Ron. Unfortunately, I can’t actually say that the ‘Big Dog” was received by Ron in the clubhouse, as no-one seemed to know where it actually was, especially the previous holder, who should of course have known very well where it was. I’m not one for starting rumours, but I imagine that person may be in a bit of trouble.

Ron finished the tour with a 320 Yard Drive, a Shank and then took 4 to get down. He'll be off 3 next year.

Just before the horseshoe on the hole

Holing out to defend the Order of Merit title

Overall, it proved to be an excellent day for everyone and especially for myself. The weather was sunny and chilly, the course was in excellent condition for the time of year, the bacon-related prizes were well received and I walked away with the Spoon Holder’s Salver and another star for my prized WHVGS shirt. As Ice Cube once said, “…today was a good day”.

Winning his own salver

I Don't Know Why Mike Was Presenting the Non-Existent Big Dog to Ron

Ron Won the Big Bacon Washup (Can you spot the interloper?)

The Shark Winters with Campo for the second year in a row

Finally, the official payouts of the event were as follows: 1st with 43 Points and winning £20 was Bacon, 2nd with 38 Points and winning £10 was The President. The Big Dog and £5 went to Ron, the Shark and £5 went to Campo and the Bacon Wash-Up (Bacon-flavoured Toothpaste and Soap) for nearest the pin in 2 went to Ron.

Many congratulations to all the winners and see you all at the WHV Christmas Doo.

Bacon.

P.S. Our beloved TD has asked me to point out the following, “Baxter only came 2nd on count back and he came about 2mm away from missing the ball off the tee with a driver on the back nine…oh and he also finished behind me in the Oom.”

Noz Gets His Burger On

The Pizza Oven saw some business, even at silly prices - this is a New York Deli

Get In Millers

Muscle Mary Returns

Pal O appears to be sexting some 21 year old

Clicky to see biggy and slidey showey

[tag-gallery tag=spoonholders]

WHV’ers Left Screaming For Vengeance

Saturday the 6^th August started early for me as I had to pick up the TD from Knowle Costa Coffee at 0745.  It was so early that it felt like it was before the dawn.  However, after the TD had got over his embarrassment at having to order a tea for me, we were on our merry way to Astbury Hall in Shropshire, the ancestral home of the one and only KK Downing, guitarist of Judas Priest and massive golf fan.  Even with that early start, it was obvious to us both that we were ready for some hot rockin’ golf action.

During the journey, as I’m sure you can imagine, many exciting conversations took place.  For example, as we were heading out to the highway the TD quickly noticed that I had canvas-based covering on my car seats and he spent quite a while explaining that from an early stage of choosing his last car, he had been hell bent on leather car seats.  Well who was I to argue with him.  We also discussed the fact that his favourite new concept car was the new Toyota green manalishi with the two-pronged crown spoiler he had seen the week before on Top Gear and that his favourite sweet was a jawbreaker.  Again, I wasn’t about to argue with a man with such impeccable taste and knowledge.   However, the final straw did come when the TD started going in to great depth as to how he had been delivering the goods the previous night and what a turbo lover he was.  It was at this stage that I had to tell him you’ve got another thing comin’ if you think I’m going to continue talking to you about that.  The journey continued in relative silence until it was obvious that we were getting ourselves lost somewhere in Shropshire.  Therefore before we got left out in the cold, we called Coops and luckily for us he had his electric eye fully working and was able to talk us in.  Massive thanks go to Coops.

Astbury Hall was a magnificent sight as we drove up the drive and almost forced an immaculate looking classic Rolls Royce off the drive.  I may have been being a bit of a sinner and freewheel burning a little too much and not taking as much of notice of the road as I should have.  We obviously thought it was KK himself in the Roller and waved at him like 2 teenage metal lads but unfortunately we were reliably informed in the pro shop that it wasn’t and was more likely to be one of his roadies.  Roadying for Judas Priest obviously pays well.  The building itself is a beautiful Georgian mansion in 350 acres of parkland and the grounds looked immaculate.  But more importantly, the bacon sarnies from the shop had a very high bacon to bread ratio.  A few members were however asked to ram it down, as we needed to be at the first tee.  A big shout must go to Mrs TD who supplied me and the TD with 2 lovely bacon cobs.

The groups were picked in the normal way and I was picked in the last group with Noz, Donk and the TD.  Once again there was the now ubiquitous discussion around my handicap and BetRon also opened for business.  The biggest bet being laid by our very own Nostradamus, Pedro, who claimed he had visions of him winning the previous night when he had been living after midnight and therefore whacked a load on himself to win.  So much in fact that Ron suddenly started to look a little worried that he was about to become a victim of a betting revolution.  Those feelings didn’t diminish as Pedro started like a steam train.

My group was initially more interested in Noz’s increasingly erratic behaviour.  When he wasn’t throwing his clubs around, which by the way started after his first shot, he was swatting flies and wasps to beyond the realms of death.  To be fair there were a lot of flies, wasps and night crawlers around the course and it did at times feel like we were in the middle of a hell patrol.  As the Donk and I were wearing bright orange and bright yellow shirts respectively, we especially seemed to be getting a lot of attention from them.

The TD also became increasingly concerned about a number of other issues as we wandered around the course.  Firstly there was his perceived lack of yardage marker stakes on the course. The fact that there were 50/100/150 & 200 markers (discs) in the middle of every fairway seemed to pass him by.  The fringes of the greens were also apparently adversely affecting him, as were the lack of bins and ball cleaners.  There was however one touch of evil that did affect us all in the group.  On the 10^th, 11^th and 12^th greens the sprinklers started having minds of their own and started coming on wherever we seemed to put our balls.  It got so bad at one point that we finally relented and decided to allow a twosome through and let them get wet.

That said, as far as we were all concerned the course was beautiful and in really excellent condition.  It certainly seemed to suit my game as I started to play pretty well, my clubs or, metal gods as I like to call them, were working well and I started racking up the points.  It was not until we finished that we realised that all of us had been playing and scoring very well.  An average of 35 points across us all must mean we have an excellent handicap system in place.  So well had we all been scoring, that arriving on the 18^th tee with 39 points would not be good enough to win.  Luckily, my tee shot landed on the green and I was able to pick up 2 stapleforth points and win with a total of 41.

We then reconvened on the veranda for a lovely lunch, more discussion around my handicap and the prize giving and as we all headed off towards the blood red skies overBirmingham we were unanimous in our admiration for KK and what he has produced at Astbury Hall.

The official payouts of the event were as follows:

1st with 41 Points and winning £20 and a signed “Essential Judas Priest” CD was Bacon, 2nd with 39 Points and winning £10 and a signed Judas Priest DVD was Professor Pedro Ash.  The Big Dog and £5 went to Ron and the Shark and £5 went to Ron.  Finally, there were so many spot prizes due to the extremely generous nature of the event sponsor, our esteemed Captain, that almost everyone who played won a prize.

Congratulations to all the winners and see you all on Saturday 17 September for the PEDRO Masters.

Bacon.

Bacon gets the Horn

If someone had told me that Ron would have been giving me the horn at about 7pm on Sunday 15 May 2011, I’d probably have slapped them across the face with my golf glove and asked them outside for a few rounds of Marquis of Queensbury approved bare-knuckle boxing.  But hey! That’s exactly what happened at about 7pm on Sunday 15 May 2011 and I couldn’t have been happier about it.

Now, this has led me to question certain aspects of my lifestyle but I have arrived at a happier place as a result of that process and my beautiful wife is noticeably happier with the size of my horn.  She is often getting it out and giving it a rub and sometimes she even gives it a quick blow.  Happy days!!

Anyway, enough of my personal issues, let’s talk about the 2011 WHVGS Brissle Open.  This year it wasn’t actually held in Brissle, Idiot instead got himself relatively organised in time and organised the first major of the year at the Rolls of Monmouth course, which not surprisingly is in Monmouth, which is just about in Wales, but in reality is far too nice a course to be Welsh.  Idiot had arranged a full day that included breakfast, lunch and 27 holes of golf.  Not only that, he’d also organised beautiful weather.  Is there anything that Idiot can’t redesign for the better?

The actual action had actually begun on the Friday night in The Vaults when Nozzer whacked £10 on me to win with BetRon.  Happily for Noz, BetRon was slightly inebriated at the time and he was given amazing odds of 6-1.  Noz was very happy with this as he saw it as a win-win.  If I didn’t continue my winning streak he would be over-joyed, however, if I did win he would be picking up £70 from BetRon.  I already felt the pressure beginning to sit heavily on my shoulders.

After a 3-car convoy down to Monmouth we arrived in the car park of a very impressive and imposing Victorian mansion.  It then took us a further 20-odd minutes to actually find the bar and our breakfast.

However, before we were able to tuck into breakfast we had to listen to Idiot recounting his family history to one of the club members.  Apparently, the Brissle Horn is a very precious family heirloom, given that they are all major members of the local ‘hunt’, that has been passed down the Idiot family tree for the past 100-odd years.  We were all very surprised by this insight as we were under the impression that it had been picked up at a Bristol car boot sale for about 3 quid.

Anyway, after listening to these shenanigans, breakfast was waiting for us and we tucked in to some very nice, high bacon to bread ratio, bacon baps.  Continuing on the food front, we also had to pick lunch, which was a straight decision between ham, egg & chips and a steak baguette.  The majority went for the obvious option of ham, egg & chips while the more select amongst us, Ron, Pal O’ Onions and myself went for the steak baguette option.  Already I was feeling superior to most of my contempories.  Enough of the food trash talk.

Idiot then proceeded to tell us about the plans for the day.  We had a 9-hole warm up in the morning followed by the 18-hole Brissle Open.  It was at this point that there was a major “discussion’ around whether the 9-hole warm up should have tour ranking points attached to it.  Noz as normal was attempting to wind up the board members that were present and as normal it was working.  At the end of the discussion it was agreed that there would be no ranking points attached – the correct decision as far as I am concerned, especially as I then went out and played like a pillock in the morning.  I would of course wanted there to be ranking points if I had played in any way decently.

However, there was some excellent play in the morning and the Web Donk won with a score of 23 points from 9 holes and “Juice” came in second with 21 points from 9 holes.

After lunch and the far superior steak baguette option we again sidled off to the 1^st tee to start the Brissle Open.  As is the tradition at the Brissle Open, the choosing of the groups was accompanied by a good blow on the Brissle Horn, this year that honour fell to Aust.  I was grouped in the 2nd four with Web Donk, Idiot and the President.  Web Donk was promising Noz to get his “mind-games’ working early and I was just trying to get going and stop thinking about the poo that I so obviously needed.

After 3 holes there had been some amazing scoring in the first group as Ads had started like a whirlwind and was already on 11 points.  Our group had started far more steadily and had proceeded with a fair amount of “docker-shocking” language from Idiot.  On the 6^th, Idiot pushed an iron from the tee off in to the left rough and Donk and myself proceeded to help him try and find it, which we duly did.  At that point Idiot asked me to throw him his 3-iron.  Now you may think that this shouldn’t cause too many problems and you’d be right.  What you wouldn’t have allowed for was the girliest throw ever resulting in Idiot’s 3-iron landing 20 feet up a tree.  As I recoiled from the thought that I will never make the Olympic javelin throwing team, I thought I’d better get some masculine approval back and climb the bloody thing.  Having been brought up in the “hood” in Leicester, I didn’t see any trees until I was in my late 20s and moved to Solihull, but by God I climbed that tree as if my life depended on it and by the look on Idiot’s face, it probably did.  The 3-iron recovered, I climbed down had a couple of ibuprofen (other pain-killing pills are available) and got on with my round.

After the excitement of the sixth, my golf continued on its steady way and I ended the first 9 on 19 points, which was a vast improvement on my morning’s golf.  In fact the front 9 ended on a real high for me, as much to the disgust of my playing partners, I chipped in for a par from a deep greenside bunker.

The back 9 continued in pretty much the same vein for me, I hit most of the fairways with my tee shots, I putted pretty well and I continued to score well.  (I also won the big dog on the 17^th.)   So well that coming to the 18^th tee I obviously had a good chance of another win.  I then hit the green with my tee shot and 2 putted for a par and 3 points, giving me a total of 37.  It wasn’t until we walked off the green that I realised how close it had been, as Ads had finished on 36 points and would have beaten me on count-back if we had tied.  As normal there was then a wait to see if anyone could beat me and Nozzer came very close scoring 35 points.  But luckily for me no one did beat my score and I was duly announced the 2011 Brissle Open Champion and as you have previously heard, I was awarded the Brissle Horn.  It was a good day.

The official payouts of the event were as follows:

Morning Session – 1^st and winning £10 was Web Donk, the 2 Sharks were won by Noz and Millers each wining £2.50 and the 2 Big Dogs were won by Millers and Bruce, both winning £5.

The Brissle Open – 1st with 37 Points and winning £20 was Bacon, 2nd with 36 Points and winning £10 was Ads.  The Big Dog and £5 went to Bacon and the Shark and £5 went to Bruce.  BetRon also made substantial payouts to Nozzer and Millers.

Finally, the final 3 whv.com ball markers were also given out and they went to Ads, Aust and Bruce.

Congratulations to all the winners and see you all on June 25 for the Player’s Rep’s Skins.  Bacon.

More photos from the day

Bacon neglected to mention the following harrowing incident – no words are required

Also, just to illustrate Rob’s luck throughout the day – check out this lie on the 10th

After a long, cold, snowy and WHV golf-less winter, the 2011 WHVGS season began with a bang at Shirley Golf Club on Saturday 26 March.  Never before have I felt my nickname was so ill judged, as when I was tucking into my beef sausage sandwich at just after 10.00 in the aforementioned club’s lounge.  That said, the sandwich and cuppa went down very well.

After the sarnies, a very healthy field of 13 players then walked to the first tee for the ceremonial opening of the 2011 season.  At this point, I must formally welcome one new member and one returning member to the WHV fold; so welcome to Huge and Pal o’Onions and I hope you both have great seasons.

He loves cupping balls

As the winner of the 2010 Order of Merit, it fell to me to open the 2011 season using the WHV “Spoon”.  I had been dreaming about this moment all week and all those dreams had ended with me striking a great shot straight down the middle of the fairway.

Thank goodness then that my dreams came true and my second shot was indeed from the middle of the fairway.  The fact that it was the middle of the 10^th fairway was not in my dream, however a little 8 iron got me back on track.  For this first round of the season, I played with our esteemed President and Ads and we all began our rounds solidly.  Not quite as solidly as Pal o’ Onions, who birdied the 1^st and became the first recipient of the WHVGolf.com magnetic ball marker.  Also on the first was the straightest drive competition and this was bagged by Campo.  The Big Dog was played for on the 5^th and it was Coops who opened his shoulders enough to take home the prize.

After the first 9 holes, the President and I were tied on 14 points and Ads was on 11.  While this was far from spectacular scoring, all three of us felt we were playing OK and striking the ball well and this gave us all hope for the back 9.  As it turned out I played some very solid golf on the back 9 and came back with 24 points giving me a total of 38.  You will all, especially Web Donk, be amazed to hear that I actually putted relatively well (Ed – not really, the greens were HORRIBLE, so suited to your finesse touch).  That score of 38 was not bettered as the other groups got back into the lounge and consequently I was announced as the winner of the 2011 Gibbon Invitational.  A very happy start to the 2011 season.

All in all it proved to be a great event and congratulations should go to the TD for his excellent organisational skills.  As a result of the scoring on the day there was one handicap cut, one remained the same and 11 were increased.  Finally, the official payouts of the event were as follows: 1st & £10 to Bacon, 2nd & £5 to Juice, 3^rd went to the Pres, the WHV Big Dog & £5 to Coops, the WHV Shark & £5 to Ron, the Straightest Drive & Suisse Bier Stein went to Campo and finally the WHV Foot and a Half went to Pal o’ Onions.

See you all on April 9 for the Spittle Shield.

Bacon.

And here are some other shots from the day:

Huge and his aerodynamic driver

2nd Member of the 2011 Birdie Club

Campo takes the Straight Man Swiss Stein

Skip gets the Shark Back

The Foot and Half was seen off by Pal O Onions

The Sweaty Gibbon Hat Gets A New Home

Big Dog Coops - also with Birdie Badge

This means that everyone playing both events is going to score a minimum of 32 points. The position will be a little clearer after the Amy Austin, but Mike is going to end the year with a minimum of 185 Points, and will be in the Yellow all weekend as Ron can’t make up the 20 point gap from the Amy.

Out of the running for the OoM now: Rob, Ads, Coops and Noz (and Curt and Beggles and Millers, who aren’t even playing)

Out of the running if they don’t win the Amy Austin (and depending if Mike places at the warm-up event): Campo, with the TD right on the borderline

Need Mike (and Ron) not to do well at either event to win the OoM if they win the Jug – Doug, Pedro and TD

Can win the OoM if they win the jug and Mike and Ron don’t finish in the top 2 or 3 – WD, Aust, Bruce,

Guaranteed to win the OoM if they win the Jug – Mike and Ron – although a strong showing from Mike at the Amy Austin could still see him holding off Ron by finishing as Runner up in the Jug

How we'll need Mike to look after too many Rattlers to even out the OoM chances

After Mike’s spawny victory in the skins, he retired to the Vaults for a few jars. I returned to the bosom of my young family, anticipating an evening relaxing at home. However, Mrs Donk had bumped into Mrs Bacon in Touchwood earlier in the day and they’d determined that a visit to Bacon Towers was in order for the evening. Mike had just lost his dad and is very fond of playing with Little Donk, plus is such a useless bloke that his wife wanted me to take some “Before” shots of their house as they begin their Grand Designs remodel. Plus, like, we’re friends and stuff.

So, at around 7pm, we arrive at Bacon’s. Mrs Bacon tells me that Mike is at the boozer, but has said he’d be home soon for his dinner. We then descend into farce – with several calls to Mrs B from the boys at the vaults, being lead by Noz, in his cups. The Captain and Millers were also present. They demanded that I join them to toast Mike’s great victory at the skins. Now, I witnessed this greatness – his four skins (fnar) came from a peach of an iron shot in the driving rain that took him several attempts to get away as he gayed it up in the wind and rain. The next two skins were long drive ones – the first by about 4 feet from me and Milko, and the last was a shinned drive that he wouldn’t have noted without me pointing it out to him once we got to the green. Not the fabulous roll to home from the Presidents, just a bit lucky for once – good for him, but not really based on great golf! So I decided to spend time with the boy, the ladies and taking pictures of Mike’s house, as a favour, before it got dark.

Finally, Mike arrived home and presented me with two bits of paper, no doubt demanded from the barkeep by Little Prince Noz. Emboldened by beer, comfortable in familiar surroundings and egged on by his cronies. Noz failed to register that he was entering the 12th hour of his pregnant wife’s birthday away from her.  This was not a notified WHV Job, just an ad hoc beer or two.

I’ve just noticed that this note is signed by Noz, Cap’n and Mike! Also by Millers, Conceptman – who doesn’t know what he’s doing at the best of times.

Now when I then drove round to pick up the chinese, we popped into the vaults to find Noz, Millers and Pete sat there. Relatively merry, slightly abusive in their greeting for me, but when prompted, Noz responded that he was about to go get his own chinese for when his wife picked him up. Millers looked to becoming more and more aware that continuing to drink and not be at home with around 12 hours until he went on holiday was not the greatest idea, but it’s Millers. And Pete was, well, Pete. After the note, I expected to be hoisted by own petard, not the rather sheepish reception that actually occurred. Object lesson here in confronting ‘bullies’, and in locking this stuff away for next season when Noz will join me and Aust and the TD as new dads who find spending time with their kids more diverting than the Vaults – hopefully so for his daughter’s sake.

We’re out for dinner with the Spittles and Bacons tonight – posh Michelin star stuff in Edgbaston to commemorate my recent milestone birthday. I’m bound to get Noz-buse, again – witness the Jug weekend last year where I was accused of nursing a handicap on Friday by blobbing two holes on the toughest course we’ve ever played, only to see him do the same and much much worse on Sunday. I suspect he might have jumped the gun again, and pretty soon, I’ll be in a position to point out where he puts his family before a beer.

Will Noz ever stop calling people out for perceived slights? He’s not on the board any more, he’s not winning anything and pretty soon he’ll have to give the green jacket and the coveted OoM Three Wood to the next incumbent, he’ll join the rest of us ‘ordinary’ members of the WHV where there is no power or elevated status!