Here is the match report for our three time CJ victor. Bruce has done a fair job, but nothing ever approaches the level of loving detail that Dougal likes to include when reliving his triumphs in the Big One.

WHV Golf Society 2011 Claret Jug Entrants

To supplement the words, I’ve included some pictures of the weekend (still considering if YouTube will host raunchy videos), and some of the performance tables. A number of members might need to consider where they dropped points over the weekend – strangely low point accumulation on the par 5s from some of the society “Big Boys” and the gang of “2 Point Pirates” on the Par Fives.

Bruce’s Report – all Spelling is the author’s own

15^th – 16^th October 2011 WHV Claret Jug at Celtic Manor

Attendances:-  Pres, TD, Ron, Juice, Campo, Aust, Bacon, Donk, Noz, Millers, Idiot, Prof & Hugh

Firstly I would like to thank last year’s winner and President, Dougal Baxter for an amazing choice of venue and excellent organisation of this event.  I think I can speak for all 13 members who attended that it was a very successful weekend and that we were privileged to play 3 great courses (1 for the Amy Austin).

1^st round – Twenty Ten course

Chilling whilst Wales Failed

The 1^st round of the CJ  kicked off in style with Wales getting a man sent off in the Rugby World cup semi final for a blatant spear tackle (although our Welsh hosts and Members did not see it quite like that…) a tour of the 2010 club house and the use of the locker room which the European Ryder cup team had used. Our President had organised for all members to have a personalised locker next to one of the Ryder cup players. I was lucky enough to be put next to Rory McIlroy’s locker, which must have been an omen. We were then taken by bus to the 1^st tee and practice area. This might be the first time in the history of the CJ that we have ever warmed up before trying to hit a pearl of a drive down the middle of the fairway.

Personal lockers were a classy touch

Grandfather of Ibiza in Grandad Jumper

New Dad, New Job Title, But Only 15 points on Day One

Casually waiting for the group shot

Having a proper warm up

All to play for on Saturday Morning

I was going to add a superb picture here of all the members standing on the 1^st tee with the original Ryder Cup signage  in the back ground but some joker ruined the photo!!

The balls were thrown up, the groups decided with a random American joining the last group and at last the 2011 CJ started. (The week before the random American had been round Wentworth with Ernie Els, so god knows of what he thought of his round with the TD….)

Overall I know everyone really enjoyed playing the 2010 course, it certainly was very challenging as there seemed to be bunkers or water anywhere you hit the ball. Which meant scoring was going to be hard, but not impossible. Campo hit 22 on the front 9 and if it wasn’t for him exploding on the last 4 holes he would have been the club house leader, that honour went to me with 38 points. I was lucky enough to have found some form at last or it was leaving the pub early on the Friday whilst everyone else got hammered, I’m not sure?

Not a bad looking track, the 2010. Quiet too.

I can’t talk about everyone’s round but my shot of the Day was from the Prof hitting a 3 wood 220 yards out of a bunker, and he called it. That was closely forward by his 3^rd short at the 18^th, he was in the rough with a bad lie and managed to hit it 180 yards over water and land it 2 foot from the pin. Brilliant shot even if he didn’t know he had done it until he got on the green.

Watching the boys come home

Unnecessary stressing about the tee times for Sunday

So after the first round the prizes went to:-

Juice                            Club House Leader                 38 points

Web Donk                   Big Dog – longest drive

President                     Shark – nearest the pin

After a memorable round it was back to the club house, were we where each presented with a marvellous named metal bag tag / medal to help us remember our 2010 experience and then back to the hotel  to change for our evening at the local pub and curry house. The highlights have the bloke crying out side the bogs because his mates had got him a stripper and Noz being the gentleman that he is and taking his seat, our President not drinking (although it didn’t help his form much), the club house leader having the extendable fork “stolen”, Aust shouting at the TD, Noz and Butters having a row about bullying and most of the members ordering tea and coffee at midnight. Who said we are getting old?

Evening Photos

Organised as ever

On the way for the Saturday Evening festivities

Millers Footwear Again

Members looking non-plussed at pool action on 2 nights running

Somehow Rob and Ron end up in prime stripper watching position

But not as prime as Noz, who did the decent thing and rescued the naked lady from having no-one to peform for

Waiting outside our curry venue, and boy, did we have to wait

Eating late, and then Bruce has to use the Extend-a-Fork (RIP)

Sharing Forkage with the Captain

For some reason, Rob had found a porcelain phallus, and brought it with him

Port Cock is Born

TD looking particularly demonic as he accepts the gimp trophy

And so begins the reading of the indictment sheet. It went on a bit.

Look how much Campo loves the TD

Presenting the Nicklaus Fiver to the Society

A new artefact for our treasure trove

Bruce ordered some form of kebab that was 90% grilled onion

Pete knows to bring a mopping rag with him when handling a wang

Mike gets the helmet in

Aust is more circumspect

Noz lovingly cups the Japs Eye

Back to Bruce’s Match Report…

2^nd round – Roman Road Course

Every Inch the Golfer at Leisure

So Close to the Fabled 'Full House'

Warming Up in the Sunshine

First Ever Shark and Third Six Pound Argyll of the Weekend

So to the final round, this was going to be an interesting day with at least 7 members in with a chance of winning. We all set off with clean clubs and the chance of becoming the 2011 CJ winner. The final group was Me, Campo, Donk & TD with me having a 3 point lead over Campo.

Pres sprays another drive off the first - just on the edge of the frame

Millers gets going

Huge seemed to have a better round on Sunday

Aust starts a charge

Ron places at the Jug again

On the way to keep the lead for most of the day

It was always going to be decided by whoever could hold their nerve and both myself and Campo found the first few holes a struggle, especially as we heard that Aust was on a charge. Luckily for us it didn’t last long and by the 9^th it was clear that it was between myself and Campo. By this stage he had got to within 1 point, it was going to be a very tight finish.

After the 13th Campo had taken a 1 point lead and I was thinking 2^nd wasn’t a bad result, especially as my drive on the 14^th followed Campo’s drive into the water!! He then knocked his drop onto the green and mine ended up in the water again and I ended up 2 points down. Surely it was all over?

But on the very next hole the pressure of leading the CJ can get to anyone and Campo’s next tee shot found the stream and I was able to snatch a point back and by the 16^th I had edged back into the lead. An out of bounds drive on the 17^th by Campo meant he had to score four points on the 18^th to win. I managed to keep my nerve and won my 3^rd CJ and the honour of wearing the Green Jacket for the 2^nd time and organising next year’s CJ

A special note should go to those Members backed themselves on the Celtic Manor Par 3 Challenge holes and particularly those who won free rounds – Ron (on both Saturday and Sunday), the Idiot and Baxter (Sunday).

The final scores where:-

Juice                2011 Claret Jug Winner          71 points

Campo             Runner up                               67 points

Ron                 3^rd Place                                   61 points

Noz                 Sunday Best                            35 points

Aust                King of the par 3s

Juice                King of the par 3s

Idiot                Sunday Shark – nearest the pin

Ron                 Sunday Hulk and Big Dog – (easily) the longest drive

Waiting for the prizes

Rob Sharks

Happy winner and Happy Pres

Impromptu Car Park Cheese Board

There was some cracking cheese available for the late departers

Not clear if the punishment has been served as only a minority of members partook of the cheese

Performance for the Weekend

2011 Claret Jug

2011 Prizes

2011 CJ King of Threes

2011 CJ King of Fives

The Chase for the 2011 Claret Jug

All pictures by the Web Donk – clickum for biggum

It's not a weekend without seeing the TD in his pants on the course

Class shines through as the TD returns to winning ways

The TD reigned triumphant over a quality field in the 2011 WHVGS Amy Austin championship.

The players, comprising Messrs Brown, Bennett, Harrison, Baxter, Austin, Allsop, Spittle, Milmore, Compton, Ash, Hopkin and the Champion elect, assembled in the fine facilities of the Celtic Manor Resort on the morning of Friday 14^th October.

Players seemed to have undertaken varying levels of preparation, with several arriving sufficiently early to relax, eat breakfast and store cheese, whilst others arrived hungry and very irritable…Nozzer.

Cracking Breakfast, but not cheap!

Having been deposited at the Montgomerie course in style, the players gathered on the 1^st tee to begin the customary banter with the course starter…who prattled on about several insignificant matters before omitting to mention that winter rules were in operation…nice work.

The Montgomerie could be described as having spectacular views, with dramatic tee shots over valleys and breathtaking downhill shots. Two long par fives, a number of short par fours and several testing par threes, which all add up to an exciting and rewarding challenge. After the event, the TD was simply heard to describe it as “A true test of quality golfing talent”.

TD missed this tight fairway twice with boxfresh Pro V1's

Nice view of the 2010 from the Montgomerie on Friday

Several bets had been placed with BETRON prior to the first ball being struck, including what seemed to have been an audacious punt from inveterate gambler Ash, who had lumped heavily on himself. One can only imagine how confident the Captain would have been on receiving that particular stake…although he was looking particularly Ashen faced (Ashen faced, geddit ?) when the most unorthodox swing on the WHVGS Tour – in fact, the most unorthodox swing on most tours you could imagine – notched up 24 stapleforth points on the front 9.

The TD, who had been reminded by the Web Donkey that he currently occupied the longest break between winning events, was playing some very steady golf although in a very casual manner – choosing to select his next club immediately after driving and then jogging to his ball – often to find that he had selected a less than appropriate club, but playing the shot anyway.

The relaxed approach was however paying dividends and 2 solid shots and a ridiculously long putt resulted in a 3 net 1 for a net albatross and 5 points on one particular test of true golfing talent.

Celebrating a long, long, long putt for a five pointer

Quite a tough drive at the 16th

TD Connects Sweetly

Juice heads for the rubbish

The other members of the TD grouping were also similarly relaxed, being convinced that Peter had continued his fine form and taken Ronnie to the cleaners. All played ridiculous tiger-line drives up 18, before getting to the green to discover that the TD was actually in contention, with 2 putts for 36 points to win on countback.

There was a significant devil sat on the TD’s shoulder urging him to knock his first putt 30 yards down the fairway just to see the look on Ronnie’s face although sanity returned before putting to take the honours.

On securing 2^nd place, Peter gained a return from BETRON although the Captain delighted in telling the assembled masses the various amounts of money which Ash had turned down as offers to settle the bet prior to the end of the round.

The Big Dog was taken by Ronald and the Shark by Bacon Bonce.

The prizes awarded were as follows and a very healthy £85 was retained for the WHVGS coffers…much to the delight of Mr Milmore, who was later further incensed by the practice of ‘scraping’ an additional £20 of sustainable funding from the post-event meal kitty.

1^st prize – £15 and the Amy Ozzle Trophy (to include a retraction of such a trophy being referred to as a gimp).

2^nd prize – £10 and a slightly wounded pride at having only scored 12 points on the back 9.

Dog – £5 and the Dog headcover.

Shark – £5 and the Shark headcover.

The TD

October 2011

Not for the first time – in fact for the 2nd of 3 events in a row, Mike squeaks a crucial place and absolutely critical RPs on countback. After the CJ shakeout, without this countback, he could have had 15 points less and be within the grasp of Ron and Aust at the season ending event, rather than just Juice. Good Grindin’ it out Mike, again…

Memories of the Amy Evening from DonkCam

An eventful affair moving from Gourmet Gastropub full of a local wake and the cheapest puddings known to man, through the dark and winding streets to a boozer that looked “too hard” for some of the members, despite being identified as the only one offering the requisite pool table and jukebox combo for the Amy Evening, some of us even made it on to a local Lock In boozer for some arrows and worrying discussion with some morally ambiguous senior citizens who were probably waiting for us to leave before stripping down to their S&M gear.

Gourmet Boozerage

Guns are pumped - girls ignored them

We didn't have a massive amount of space

Pres cheeses up his dinner - Moules to start

Pres and Pheasant (I think)

Crumble

Cider drizzled scotch egg = wicked indigestion

Campo did his duty with his stein

Different approach to burgering

Degenerates were gambling before pudding arrived

She did a good job of selling, not such a good job of adding up a bill

Frisky

Millers and his questionable shoe and sock combo

Millers in a 3D shirt

Juice ordered a White Wine, disappeared at 10pm and Won the Jug.

Pool, Booze and Jukebox - essential Amy Evening Ingredients

Spillage

Darts at the Swingers Lock In

1.15AM and Noz is trying to tempt the Welshies with his belly

In respect of the 2011 AA and WHV Open (CJ) weekend, I have booked Celtic Manor  (14-16 October) and reserved the tee times. After lengthy consideration we will be playing the Montgomery course for the AA on the Friday (which I believe is the easiest of the 3 courses, to help build our confidence in advance of the CJ proper), day one of the CJ will be on the
“2010” Ryder Cup course and day two will be on the Roman Road course, (which hosts the Welsh Open) – So points will be hard earned at the CJ next year.

Currently we have 11 Members who have confirmed that they are up for the 3 days (Pres, Aust, Ron, TD, Prof, Juice, Miller, Donk, Bacon, Noz and Curnips) and a number of these are taking advantage of the WHV monthly payment option (details on application to the Pres). I am still looking into the 2 day option for Campo and Coops (but I fear that it may be very
expensive given that we are playing the 2010 and Roman Road over the weekend, cost £tbc) and Ads is considering his options due to his wedding commitments.

And apparently this place as a spa full of clacker – type ‘celtic manor’ into google images and you get this on the first set of results

We may need to warn them about some of our members…