Tour Director gets the horn…

The sun shone on the fourth event of the WHVGS year, the eagerly anticipated first major tournament of the season.

Fresh from a trip to even sunnier climes, as attested by the orange hue to his complexion, the Tour Director was feeling calm and relaxed – for several short seconds until it transpired that, following his absence for only slightly longer than a week, there were reports of Board resignations.

Despite the initial ‘buy your own breakfast at the services’ suggestion, once the society assembled at the Clubhouse, the Idiot Hall proved that he had surpassed himself with the choice of venue. He also provided a new society asset in the form of the Antique Green Bristol bottle, had organised a 9-hole warm up event with ‘Sportball’ format, had sorted the food and drink and even popped his credit card behind the bar to encourage extortionate expenditure, which immediately prompted close scrutiny of the champagne list.

With the ‘half-minor’ morning event completed, the players were buoyed by the arrival of Nozzle who had arrived from delays in deepest Wales linked to very complicate dental childcare issues – thankfully the prognosis was now sufficiently good to allow him to continue his impressive attendance record on the WHVGS tour.

Ten hearty souls were split into 2 threeballs and a fourball and play began, with the only evident howler being the Idiot who, having selected an iron for his first tee shot proceeded to shank it sideways into the right hand copse – the golfing gods however chose to smile as the ball bounced back into play…and the game was on…

The leading threeball made good ground although the middle group were not making such good progress and often left the trailing fourball wondering what the devil they were doing, although it later transpired that the almost evangelical Milmore had been imparting some golfing wisdom…between sauntering back down the fairway to play replacement balls.

The final group contained 3 players who have seen their handicaps rise significantly as part of the enhanced handicapping system introduced in the past 18 months and this resulted in some impressive Stapleforth scoring from all involved.

A nearest the pin spot prize was contested on the front nine, which was scooped by Nozzle, earning himself 4 bob and a new cap.

At the turn, the TD had amassed 22 points although the tournament was far from over as the course began to bite back, forcing several non-scoring holes on the back nine. The shark was up for grabs on the back nine and this was claimed by Campo, having played a fine shot to 10 feet to scoop 4 bob, although no shark headcover…

The longest drive had been moved to 18 and this was claimed by some bloke called Dick and had bizarrely been marked by a driver head snapped at mid-shaft to signify the 4 bob winning distance.

The players assembled at the clubhouse to hear the verdict and it was revealed that the TD had triumphed with 38 points to claim the second Major title of his WHVGS career, with the princely sum of £17.50 to be claimed at the AGM. The TD’s acceptance speech consisted entirely of a poor attempted sounding of the Brissle Horn, which resembled somebody trying to blow up a hot water bottle. The TD was also proud to claim the Antique Brissle Green bottle and new cap.

Butters posted 34 points to claim the Runner-up prize of 13 bob and a cap.

The presentations were finished by the payment of 5 bob to the President and 10 bob to the society by the Idiot for losing the Matsuyama bet on the US Masters.

In a linked but separate matter, GambleGibbon also recorded a post-event profit of 15 bob.

Full results:

Oh, and Rob provided a video too – I’ll upload it once it’s gone through YouTube.

That is all.

Rob told us all yesterday what you get on google images if you type in “WHV”

Well, it would seem that something else is being identified by google’s robots… (clicky for biggy)

Incidentally, Big Donk and Little Donk bumped into Spike in the ‘little boys’ section at Sainsburys – he was buying a Sheriff’s outfit…

No guide for Pete (I seem to remember, or it might have been Aust) on how best to sleep in a hotel toilet, perhaps you only need those at St Mellion.

Following this prompt from Rob/Idiot –

Have I missed any communications on the PEDRO Masters? I am so keen to attend, but am a bit nervous after not playing in a Society event for a while. Ideally I’d like some refresher lessons from your good self beforehand. I do want to play better golf – I do, I do, I do.

Will it still be full stapleforth, (no multliball)? I also heard you were thinking of applying obverse mulligans – is this true?

Please, Please, Please can you let me know before I wet myself in anticipation.
 
Yours frenetically,
Idiot   

The Captain has now released the eagerly awaited details of the 3rd Major of the tour.

Dear WHVGS.
 
As you all know, when the much-anticipated Players’ Rep’s Skins tournament finishes this Saturday, it will very much be a case of looking forward to the the PEDRO Masters. 
 
May I remind you that the PEDRO Masters is:

 THE money event of the tour; with it’s unique, patented, fines-for-second-place formula. Plus the donation by Pedro Power to fund the par 3 competition for the ‘final fourball’: those who have bet the most money on the event on Saturday having a chance to win £5 per par 3 on the course. And this year, incredibly, Pedro Power are funding the entire event by a further £20 – as they did the Captains; and twice the amount they funded the Brizzle. What a great sponsor Pedro Power are.
The LAST Major of the 2010 tour before the WHV Open. Absolutely ESSENTIAL to earn those ranking points in order that there is no mountain to climb in order to lift the Claret Jug.

So I need to know your availability in order to book tee-times. This year the event will be:

• Held in or near Cambridge on Saturday 11th September
• with tee times starting after midday to enable travel time
• Course fees in the region of £30 for 18 holes of championship golf.
• £10 entrance fees, plus a fines liability which will be a guaranteed maximum of £5 for those playing really badly.
• Optional night out in Cambridge

 Please reply ASAP to tell me if you are

• Up for the PEDRO Masters
• Up for a night out with stay-over

Cheers, Captain
 
p.s. Rob – obverse mulligans will not be applied at the PEDRO Masters. Sorry.

Dear Bored,

If someone had a clean sweep of events – and picked up all the cash – would this jeopardise the golfer’s amateur status?  Can someone work this out – via the financial model?  If therefore the prize money is either held/spent by the TD’s misses/drunk and given out in one go at the AGM (I will make every effort to attend this year – even if it is via video link up) – to a potential winner of everything, will it top 500 quid? I would hate to see Prof’ for example, lose his amateurness and be excluded from playing WHV events for the next 2 years whilst he applies to regain his Status.

From the R and A rules:

Prizes in amateur events are limited to a value of £500

Maybe a link to the following will help the bored divert any possible ‘disasters’.

http://www.randa.org/rules/amateur/home

BR

Idiot Horn Sponsor

This was swiftly put to bed by the Players Rep, in his new role as Bored Enforcer, and in this instance, as the man with the correct answer. The £500 limit is per event, so unless the board substantially hikes entrance fees or society membership, we’re unlikely to breach this without a society sugardaddy.

On the Other Hand

However, this recent exchange has us judging Idiot for the Win.

Young Noz, the society curmudgeon, lambasted Rob for not having attended an AGM. As if anyone who’s attended an AGM could ever doubt the administrative HALLmark of the Idiot in the keeping of minutes and general arsewhiffery that goes on.

‘Rob has never bothered to attend an AGM, I think this is the real problem, I strongly suspect he is already planning to not attend this years event as well.’

‘Rob is an idiot.’

An Idiot who has attended an AGM. Was voted in as the first Club Captain at said AGM, and who took minutes of the meeting on the order pad of the waiter at the Royal Alfaisal. In fact, if one remembers rightly, Spittle W was also an attendant – but when it came to voting he was only there in body and not in mind – as he was in Bruce’s bed, fast asleep,  with Aust – who thankfully at that time did not have the Horn.

No more questions your honour, and get your facts right Ex Bored member.

Vote Ron Noz Asleep

Idiot Horn Sponsor

His Idiotry stems from the incredulous reaction to the new ‘You Don’t Get Paid Unless You’re At the AGM’ ruling. He’s joined by Bruce in this, although we suspect Bruce to be driven by personal greed rather than the sporting and societal principles of Mr Hall.

PR – how do I go about questioning the board and this (NO) prize money on the day decision without bringing myself/golf/board into disrepute? The last thing I want to do is discredorate the Society. I’ve searched the website but couldn’t find this particular LAW in the constitution. 

Noz, as is customary in 2010, where his handicap means he is no longer cleaning up, and his status with the rest of the normal folk rather than part of the aristocracy, was grumpy (as usual, check the email threads for his new ‘theme’):

You need to raise it with the players rep, good luck with that

[pullquote]

You need to raise it with the players rep, good luck with that – Noz

[/pullquote]

Doubtless faced with a massive inbox queue following his latest extended soujourn, the President still found time to correct Rob on several points.

Working very swiftly in his new role as Board Enforcer Players Rep, Ron weighed in with his response:

You have gone down the right route already by emailing me the Player Rep with your query, so please do not concern yourself or worry about discredorating the society.

The decision relating to the collection of prize money throughout this years tour for payout at the AGM was made by the WHVGS Board prior to the commencement of the 2010 season. During the closed season the Board worked tirelessly to improve the GS, we wanted to make changes, not for changes sake, but for the continuing improvement of the GS and to even further enhance the enjoyment of the Society for it’s members. Our President sent the membership an email before the start of the season detailing such changes, of which I have to say to the delight of the Board have been extremely well received by the membership.

If you have any further issues relating to this or anything else, please feel free to drop me a note. The Players Rep’s door is always open to help with any issues of the membership. 

Rob’s potential uprising was distracted by juvenile discussions about giving Aust the Horn – surely the primary driver for having a Horn as a trophy.

And then bickering with Dougal about not turning up to the Horn.

PS  Aust, (and anyone else who may care to comment,) for a non attendee it would be nice to have a clear understanding as to whether or not the course chosen by the Sponsor for the Brizzle was up to the standard expected for a WHV Major and the result of a last minute scramble to find a course that would take us on a Saturday – In 2009 one of the Members raised a concern that some the Tour / Major courses were not up to scratch so we need to make sure that this won’t be an issue again!

PPS.  I suggest you refer to the discussion that took place at The Brissle Horn, which you didn’t attend………

But WAIT, what’s that? The Idiot came through in reasonably good time, although not enough time for Noz to force Bomber to become a minibus driver for the day.

From Rob

We have lift off:

Saturday @ 1.30pm we have 3 tee times booked for The Brissle Open.

Our host venue is Stockwood Vale GC



http://www.stockwoodvale.com/pages.php/index.html

‘Bristol’s Most Unique Course’ is thoroughly looking forward to us hacking and chopping our way across their hallowed turf.  It’s a fun course (I’ve played it twice) with some easy, some difficult, and some ‘interesting’ holes.

The green fee is a handsome £17

As it is an afternoon start food can be purchased from the bar, either before or after we make use of the excellent practice facilities on offer.

We currently have  10 entries – which is great (thankyou) – Idiot, Adam, WD, (vote) Ron, Noz (out), Bacon, Bonus, TD, Prof, Aust

Good work by the Idiotographer.