It was ages ago now I sit down to write this, but the 2025 Trinimonionial was memorable for a couple of things – the Sponsor brought his “mates”, and said mates played in a fourball with the Red Queen.

In the post round sunshine, with the heaviest garden furniture known to humankind, the Captain recorded all the scores and relevant details – comfortable after posting a good score, even with a slight wobble on the final couple of holes. Then the Copt Heath card was dropped on the table, and the Red Queen had him by a point. Bugger. They were all extolling how well he’d played. Fair go to the lad – probably explains why they were about 3 holes behind the Captains group.

Having been burned before, the Skipper checked the winning score – and lo and behold – too many points allocated on a par 3. They’d both finished with 40 points for the day. Both had 17 on the front and impressive 23’s on the back – solid par golf mostly. Countback went to back six, and the Captain snatched a victory to defend his title and win another bottle of port – and let the sponsor off on his offer of beers in Dorridge. With an ex-drinker. Still, this bottle of non-tawny can become a decanter once drunk…

The track was pretty decent, a bit weird. Several Rob baiting wooden aviary statues dotted around the course, giant giant mansions course-side, excellent nose bag. The pork baps were top notch, and the bacon rolls so good that Pickle ate three to combat his 5am hangover. Weirdest thing was, on a sunny Sunday afternoon – no one was on the course but us. Ghost town.

Society Notables

We saw three birdies today

• Gregs hit a “shit” iron to 4 feet
• Wool holes out from the fairway
• Copters birdied 5th

The Cat won a very underwhelming Dog up the 18th. Miller converted his Shark.

And Copters won the Stein, but isn’t in Newcastle – so was able to nominate an attendee to steward it for the weekend

Results

• Pres 16 with 8 blobs
• Chris 19 with a bird and 5 blobs
• Noz 25 with 3 blobs
• Pickle 26 with 4 blobs
• Jay 26 with 2 blobs 
• Catto 27 with 5 blobs
• Woolly 27 with a bird and 4 blobs
• Idiot 29 with 4 blobs
• Al 30 with 2 blobs
• Copters 32 one bird and 2 blobs 
• Miller 40 with 1 blob
• Donk 40 with 7 pars and 2 blobs

A Word About the Sponsor

Clearly losing his marbles a little – this was the first outing for his bougie new bats. He played dreadfully with them – having his seven iron rubbed over the single testicle of the Red Queen can’t have helped. He was contemplating further purchases, and someone from the society should really have taken him up on the sale of his former set, and his wedges – the bloke keeps his shit tidy, even if it is sometimes bent to a weird angle or bounce.

This was, as usual, a singular track – announced way too far in advance, and with too many Copt Heath lads, but I won the memorial again – so all is good.

As we travelled to the darkest heart of Warwickshire, we weren’t sure how much of the Atherstone course would be open, or if we’d have the ignominy of mats or temporary greens. Turns out that only 15 holes were ready for play – and we agreed as a society with the view of the pro, that we wouldn’t want to play the first three holes again after walking the fifteen that were open. An important decision, it turns out.

The club seemed a super friendly place – the food was half decent, and the track was challenging, lots of changes of elevation and unusual fairways – ideal for the range of talents in our esteemed society.

Shamefully, the OoM Champ hadn’t sorted his custody of the Spoon, too busy challenging the year long one shot chop that he had never heard of…he’s shameless enough to stand as a Conservative MP

It was great news for these guys – they weren’t in a group with the horse bothering cheat.

At the same time, Finch was spraying the ball everywhere, Gregs was in his own world, and Stiffy McStiff was pretty stiff

The course was in pretty decent nick considering how much rain the climate scientists had caused, but we were picking and placing, which always helps.

There were some easy holes and some challenging holes – well worth a revisit with a bigger representation of our society

There was some weird Gregs style thing where Rob had to run to the 11th green and we all had to guess how many seconds it would take. The Idiot hustled and recorded himself doing it – I think Pickle won this pointless thing. There was also a tote.

Onto the golf – the young Pickler played well, and would probably have won over 18 holes – but the Donk held out, they both opened their tour season with bird on the card, and kept the blobs under control.

So, some winners pics – the Dog was AWOL

The President’s : 28th July 2018

The President’s is the 2nd most important event on the Tour Calendar, it’s the 2nd Major of the year and it’s always a monster of a day and this year is no exception – although for the first time ever, in 2018 there was a significant change… The Venue.

The spiritual home of The Warwickshire, have changed their Saturday
morning booking criteria for non-members. So it was moved to The Stratford Park Hotel & Golf Club, (formerly Ingon Manor – a venue where I have had some success before, including being 4 down to Miller over a nine hole Matchplay event – oh, how we laughed when I won the following 5 holes….).

Anyway, back to matter in hand.

We had a small but perfectly formed 8 for the day, the weather for the
previous 3 months had been scorchio, with zero rain. The Stratford Park Hotel & Golf Club breakfast buffet was excellent – although apparently the toaster was too slow(?)!

Teams were drawn:

President’s Team (Reigning Champions) – Pres, Noz, Mart the Cat and JP
Captain’s Team (Previous years losers) – Donk, Boycie, Bruce and PK

Donk and team were looking smug….

Under the revised format for the day – the singles and “Major” take place in the morning, with 1 Ryder Cup style point available for each match.

1: JP   v  Boycie
2: Pres v  Bruce
3: Noz  v  Donk
4: Mart v  PK

We headed out and the immediately the heavens opened… 3 months of zero rain, none and it now decided to slash down, with accompanying wind/gales blowing – we all ran for cover…. Donk, ran to the Pro shop and bought a waterproof!

It’s fair to say that the weather was changeable; sunny, rainy, thundery,
lightning and bloody windy at times, the course is hilly, the fairways were brown and rock solid. It was a real test and scoring was going to be tough – in such tricky conditions.

On the 2nd JP hit a monster drive – dead centre of the concrete fairway, downhill, 350 yards it was a peach, he hit his 2nd into the shite, but the drive was a pearler. (** Note JPs driving for later…)

I drove pretty badly all round, but most of the bad ones rolled… and
rolled and rolled – everything else was in good shape and for the first
time ever? No blobs. 41 points off 26, which is probably in my best 3
rounds scoring rounds of all time.

Winner, winner – Gammon, Egg and Chips for lunch. PK was a distant second, Bruce won the Dog and Donk the Shark…

Ryder Cup standings all square after the morning session 2 v 2

1: JP lost to Boycie
2. Pres beat Bruce
3. Noz beat Donk
4. Mart lost to PK

The main event was the afternoon Mutliball – 3 points per match (Front 9, Back 9 and Over 18) x 2 matchs, all to play for. The draw came out as:

Morning’s winners v Morning’s Winners : Pres & Noz   v   Boyice & PK

Morning’s Losers v Morning’s Losers : JP & The Cat   v   Bruce and Donk

The Captain’s team continued to be smug after the draw was made, (until they worked the shots out)….

Once again the weather was average, in fact a thunder storm hit on the 5th/6th , water-logging the greens – but despite the lightening and after cowering under a tree, at the top of a hill, we were simply having too much fun to quit… By the 7th the sun was out again and balmy English summer continued, (potentially until the MindTwist and Download – TBC)….

As always the format was excellent – both games being close and mainly requiring net birdies to win the holes.

In Match 1, The Pres and Noz won the front by 1 and had the sewn the back 9 and overall up (with a shot) on the par 3 17th.  Match 2 was all square after 9, with JP and The Cat deciding to burn through the Cat’s drives and to rely on JP’s the down the 17th and 18th…. Never in doubt, this strategy worked like a dream – with Donk going into the drink on the 18th and Bruce going OB into the range. JP and Cat winning 2.5 – 0.5.

Overall Score: President’s Team (Pres, Noz, Mart the Cat and JP) 7.5 v
Captain’s Team (Donk, Boycie, Bruce and PK) 2.5

It was a great day…. Resulting in the Pres winning the President’s buckle of the first time and a famous team victory, to retain the team crown.

Thank you to everyone who came.

Yours, The Pres.

Again, the match report was provided by the victor in his own particular style – a photograph of some gibberish typed on branded stationery, distributed on WhatsApp. All the flair comes from the Donk and his camera.

25 July 2020 – Stratford Park Hotel & Golf Club

It is often said that the sun shines on the righteous…and there clearly wasn’t a significant degree of righteousness in the Stratford-upon-Avon area on the afternoon of the 2020 President’s Classic.

Despite the weather, the WHVGS Tour, having recently been decimated by the effects of the Coronavirus pandemic, was back in full swing on what should by rights have been a splendid English summers day.

Participants had been advised by the erstwhile President to assemble at the course well in advance of the 1.04pm starting tee-time, although only Finchy and the Players’ Representative were present at 12.50…forcing them to question whether they had actually both managed to end up at the incorrect venue.

Mercifully, a few more although notably not all, of the cohort appeared before the first tee time and, presumably as a penance for trying to order himself a cheeky blackcurrant J20, Ronno fired in a round of strong lagers for those present, taking the ante-tee San Miguel tally of the PR to two.

Unable to fill the Suisse Stein due to PK adding insult to previous injury, the PR was forced to saunter up the first fairway carrying a plastic pint pot whilst being joined by Hole-in-One Jon, Donko and Finchy.

During the ensuring 4 to 5 hours, several things either did or didn’t happen. Notably…:

• Donko continued to struggle with the combined effects of invasive shoulder surgery and excessive marijuana-fuelled sex
• Finchy hit the ball straight and not very far…or miles and right
• Hole-in-one Jon failed to have a hole in one
• It rained…quite a lot…and quite persistently
• Tom turned up looking worse than Robinson Crusoe and wearing an ill fitting pair of long trousers which looked like they had been fashioned from one of the sails of the shipwreck
• The longest drive was marked by one of the most impressive stones ever found on a golf course…ever…
• The PR and Captain carried a Board decision that said stone should immediately be adopted as a society asset and a message was passed to the final group that PK should pop this in his bag as a penalty for again denying the PR the use of the Suisse Stein
• [The Captain has a different recollection of this incident]
• PK didn’t pick up the WHVGS stone
• The PR won the Dog
• Catto won the Shark
• Due to the slow pace of play, the PR was forced to leave immediately after the round and before the results were announced
• The PR vowed to submit a fine nomination against PK
• Boycie apparently bought a round

Match Report Flair from the Captain…

And some videos…

Text provided by the winner in the form of a photo on Whatsapp, so I’ve had to transpose it...especially because the original claimed to be sponsored by some shambles outfit called “Heartflood”

The Amy Ozzle – Friday 9th October 2020 – Royal North Devon Golf Club

The beautifully manicured links of Royal North Devon comprise one of the most magnificently presented tracks ever graced by our erstwhile society. Such a strong and stunning course can obviously only be appreciated by true champions and the ante-tee banter had consisted mostly of pointed criticism from one of the less gifted WHVGS golfers and the amassed field was, again, notable for the absence of an idiotic local, who we can only presume was busy tending to a nearby swede patch.

With most of the field seemingly having stopped at some point at Sedgemoor services on the southern journey, the King of the Majors imbibed in a cup of McDonalds coffee from the mighty Suisse Stein and, combined with the bright sunshine, all seemed very well in the world.

Despite a series of recent and not inexpensive lessons with the famed Fred Leadbetter, the Millers golf game seemed to have only developed in terms of the additional time taken to play the game, his face seemingly contorted by the additional machinations imparted by Whispering Fred.

With the flair men having consumed a pint of strong lager apiece, the field congregated on the first tee and, following a few months of marvelling at the course ahead, a deep inhalation of Atlantic air and a contemplative nod at the legendary History Boy, play was underway.

With the semi-holographic crystal trophy at the forefront of everybody’s mind, the society noted the physical and mental strength of the WHVGS King of the Gym, who chose to face the bracing October sea breeze in shorts and distinctive green shirt of a major champion. Play was seemingly mixed, with a few questionable early shots from the field and Paul continuing to gurn as though he were on one of his increasingly age appropriate visits to the white isle.

Whilst the ocean air became increasingly bracing, Society play began to hot up, with Nozzy recording a birdie at the 4th and the even more hirsute Jimenez taking the Shark. The birdie fest continued, with the Pres racking one down 8 and Miller, seemingly having successfully wrestled with the additional voice inside his head, doing the same. More birdies were to follow for Juice (10), Copters Johnson (12) and the King of the Boys down 18. Juico was swinging well and had taken another Dog title with a mighty tee shot.

During another notable WHVGS day there were several further issues of note which included, although were not limited to the following:

• Finchy didn’t turn up with a new driver
• Hole-in-One Jon failed to have a hole in hone
• It pissed down, sideways, for several minutes
• There were reports of horse hoof marks on one of the greens
• Aust failed to make the end of the round due to the lack of a motorised buggy
• The inaugural King of the Sprints triumphed via countback

Results

Images Provided by the Captain

I was wearing my bodycam again, which worked well apart from when I had to zip up in the driving rain.

22nd August 2020

For what has been a strange year for everyone including the society, 8 of us turned up for what was unbelievably the 5^th game and the 2^nd major of the revised WHV 2020 calendar, a feat in itself, at Hollywood Golf Club.

We are to tee off around 14:00hrs as it is the clubs Captains day and we are to follow on. Some make arrangements to meet our organiser Idiot (Rob) at Becketts farm to hit a few balls on the range. Unfortunately, there is a huge pile up on the M5 which Rob gets stuck in and he messages that he may well not be able to meet at Becketts. 

However, one advantage of playing on the same day as the Captains day means there is a free beer, for those that want one, and Greggs wastes no time in partaking in the goodwill and offers to have anyone else’s as well whilst in his tee shirt awaiting Juice to bring him the Green.   

Rob duly puts the balls in a hat and throws them up in a fashion to sort the two groups. The first group is Noz (Will), Juice (Bruce), The Cat (Martin) and me (Boyce), the 2^nd group is Idiot (Rob), Greggs (Greggors), Bacon (Mike) and Donk (Simon).

Noz starts our group off and everyone has a good tee shot, unfortunately only the Cat and I walk off with Pars. We all take 5’s on the next except Noz who has another 7. The next is a par 5 and I hit a good drive just shorter than Juice but them cream a 3 wood up onto the green almost pin high but miss the eagle put but take the birdie. That is pretty much how the front 9 panned out for our group with the scores after the front nine, Noz 11, The Cat 15, Juice 16 and me 21.

The back 9 started in similar vein for me but the Cat was making a move with 4 pars out the first 5 holes (including being the only one out of our group to hit the green on the shark hole) and so was scoring well. That was until the last hole where he was sitting in the middle of the fairway and managed to hit his next shot into the fir trees and lost his ball and his concentration and so finished with a blob but still managed to score 18 on the back 9.

The dog hold was a very inviting par 4 and Juice absolutely creamed a shot that left him a mere wedge into the green and we were all sure it should easily win the dog even with Greggs and Rob in the group behind and we were correct, with the rest of the back nine scores for our group being me 16, Juice 15 and Noz another 11.

The second group follow us up the 18^th and Rob has scored 21 points on the back 9 with a blob but I believe didn’t start scoring until midway through the front 9, and he even missed his eagle putt on the driveable par 14^th after driving the green whilst we were still just finishing putting out. (nice shot)

We were lucky with the weather with just a couple of light showers to cool us down on what was a nice day on a decent course with plenty of large old trees.

Final scores for the day: –

1. Boyce 37
2. Bacon 33
3. Cat 33
4. Idiot 32
5. Juice 31
6. Donk 31
7. Greggs 27
8. Noz 22

The Shark – The Cat

The Dog – Juice

Rob Putting for Eagle