He played well, again, with three bats – much better than he has ever played with a full bag. He also managed to win his second EVER spot prize. Despite being one of our ‘better’ players – he’s never won the Dog, and this was his only his second Shark – shameful really, despite seven victories on tour.

Anyway, here is his drivel – and an interesting confession from his email to the President and I about the Stein

Miller Owns the Spittle Shield

Another year, another victory, all so familiar as Miller romps home by a country mile in the Spittle Shield yet again.

And so another WHV golfing year dawns to the oh so familiar sound of yet another resounding Miller victory in the Spittle Shield.  Only the weather and the hand of god himself can prevent Miller from winning this event it seems.  Victories in 2012, 2013 and now in 2015 confirm the dominance of the young golfing sensation in this event.

Three victories in a row, only spoilt by the weather related wash out in 2014 mean that Miller quite literally now owns the Spittle Shield.  Victory for the debonair and handsome golfer was made all the sweeter for Miller as the venue for this years event was the Abbey Hotel Golf Club, scene of the disgraceful abandon your mates in the pouring rain debacle at the close of the 2014 WHV season.

Asked how he felt, Miller was quick to allude to this horrendous incident:

“Yes, it was great to win.  Just another large slice of the usual.  Easy.  I was surprised that anyone had bothered to stick around this time.  I suppose it wasn’t raining so the ladies decided to tough it out.”

Amidst golfing conditions reminiscent of the mud bath, Passchendaele type quagmire that the Tour Director forced us all to ensure in middle of re-modelling work at Shirley Golf Club a few years ago, 2015 got underway for the current crop of likely lad members.

A notable absence at this 2014 WHV curtain raiser was the esteemed Tour Director, who has prioritised parading around hotel swimming pools in skimpy speedos that he has sh@t in, rather than enjoy some free time with his mates.  Never mind.  The photos on Whatsapp more than compensate for the absence of this WHV legend.  It also gave the boys chance to chat to Curt in a normal and rational way about his upcoming stag do.

It was a welcome return to the WHV fold for Mr Curtis Lanman who quickly treated the boys to an early taste of what we have been missing by bizarrely loosing his mash in a sandwich format issue.  Curt refused to believe that he might get his breakfast sarnie in the format of a bap, and threatened to throw any such circular type format straight back at the Abbey Hotel staff should they be so ridiculously stupid as to serve one up to him.  Fortunately he got flat and square bread and we could all move on to the first tee.

As normal this year’s Spittle Shield was a 3 clubs plus your putter format.  Commenting Miller stated:

“I’ve always had a winning formulae – THC + MDMA + Vodka = a great time”

err yes but what about the golf?

“oh yeah, driver, 7 iron, and pitching wedge.  Simple.  Same as always.  Same result.  I win by miles.  Some boys had sand wedges, 8 irons, lob wedges that kind of nonsense.  Crazy.  You need length off the tee and can’t be messing around with too lofty clubs.  Conditions are all wrong.”

A great round from Millers, 17 points front 9, 18 back, and a victory by 8 points from Donk (who also won the Dog) in second on 27 points and Bacon in 3^rd on 26 points.  Commenting on some stunning approach play by playing partner and WHV President Dougal Baxter, Miller was magnanimous:

“They were some sparkling approach shots to kick in distance.  I’m happy for him.  It’s about time his game had some light at the end of the tunnel, and on all of those holes he had at least 5 shots before the approaches to warm up.”

Apart from the 16^th when he nearly canned his 3^rd shot, a 5 iron from 175 yards away,

“OK, so how many points did he get?  Eh?  And I birdied that hole.”

It was a fabulous victory for the brightest of bright WHV tour star Millers, but it was nearly ruined by poor / non-existent course signage and ridiculous behaviour from playing partners Donk and Dug.  Donk marched the group straight onto the 16^th tee, explained the long and dog leg nature of the hole to his playing partners, and set us all away on the hole.  The only problem being that the group had just stepped off the 10^th Green.  So a Donk and Abbey Hotel induced blob for the whole group.

Not wanting to detract from his victory Miller stated:

“It was a nice try by Donk, but to be honest I could have played 14 holes and still won.  Really.  Do the maths.  I won by 8 shots, divided by holes and points and that, makes sense.  Next year that might be a good idea to make this event more competitive.  You know, make me play less holes, or with less clubs, or naked or something.”

Once more the Stein was forgotten by Millers, as it was forgotten in 2013 and it did not appear on the 2013 and 2014 CJs.  It is in the possession of young man and will be on a night out very shortly to confirm its existence.

To sum up events Miller added:

“Marvellous.  I carded four 3s today, 10 points in the last 3 holes, and even won the shark.  Business as usual.”

No word on the financial aspects of today’s event?

“No.  £45 for 1 round, a total soaking, no food and £5 winnings is great value”

Boycie hiding his shame for ordering a cappucino and a toasted teacake for his post round snack – ignoring beers and burgers

Resplendent in the Green Jacket – which he thought he might have to play in

Course was in beautiful condition

Curt looking shifty. Perhaps some nonce had suggested serving him with a bap instead of proper fecking bread, man.

In 2012 the winner of the Spittle Shield took this trophy home, and like the presidential belt and several other society assets, it’s location had become a mystery. It failed to appear any any Spittle Shield since, was not in Portugal or Deal for the Jug – I’m not sure it ever made it to Wokefiled Park either.

After another suspiciously easy walkover for Millers in the three club challenge (seriously, he doesn’t score 35 in 17 holes with a full bag, what is wrong with his club selection, perhaps he’s too reliant on his £20 iPhone app?),  there was a risk of not seeing the Stein again until Wales or next year’s Shield.

But we have evidence of its existence, from a post victory celebration of Mike’s birthday around Knowle – hopefully it got home safe – who knows when we’ll see it again…

In related news, one of our other steins also materialised from the mists of time…

These centre on my board colleague and your elected representative, Paul Milmore. In the ongoing email exchange prompted by our estimable (and generally beyond reproach and happy to accept his own shortcomings) President for life, the facts are clear, and the brazen and blatant bragging shocking.

I suspect this story will develop over the coming days, but to bring you up to speed, here are the accusations put to Mr Milmore;
1.    Millers organises the 2014 Skins (at Stonebridge) and invites Boyce (who is a paid up Member at Stonebridge) to play with us (and to pay for the privilege) to be his patsy for his first tour round – Millers wins the Skins…

An exact extract from Millers own match report reads “Commenting on his victory the man of the hour stated: “Just coincidence that Boycie and Ned (another Patsy) were both in my group.  That’s the way the balls fell.  Really.  Everybody saw.  At least the ones that were there did.  I think.” And the fact that they both played well below par allowing you to win your own tournament despite playing very ropey golf at times yourself? “Another coincidence.  Obviously.”

2.    Millers then drives Boycie to Kent and bets on him to win the AA and the CJ…

3.    Boycie is 2^nd on count back in the AA and wins the CJ

4.    Millers fails to bring either Stein with him

5.    Millers emails the WHVGS Members a note which states “And got away with it.  Perfect.”

6. I doubt that very much Miller, I doubt that…

We have the following riposte from the ‘accused’

Thank god for the statue of limitations on fines.  AGM gone and with it the opportunity to fine people for alleged misdemeanours that season, despite what may or may not be on Donk’s phone

I will bring my stein (3 wins on the bounce = ownership) to the EoSS and drink from it if you like.

I’m not sure there is a statute of limitations in our constitution, we don’t even support the principle of double jeopardy explicitly. As Dougal points out, the AGM and the will of the society can be brought to bear in December.

Finally, and just to clarify, if anyone did win an event three times in a row, it would be the decision of the sponsor and the board whether or not to award an asset in perpetuity in recognition of excellence and achievement – not especially likely when said asset was sadly missing from 2 consecutive WHV open weekends

As Pedro says, punishment does not have to take the firm of a fine….

This story is developing, and I need to order a Chinese…

I present some evidence below, note the date, time and location where I recorded the single sentence…

Miller Storms to Victory in his Own Tournament

Pink faces turn red as Miller cleans up at the 2014 premier event, The Players Representative Skins.

All of the thankless hassle associated with organising a WHV event finally paid off for Miller, your illustrious Board Member and official 2014 Players Representative, as he stormed to victory with some truly memorable golf in the PR Skins, his very own event.

Appropriate I hear you say that the most exciting golfer wins the most exciting tournament of the year.  Well, yes.  Very much so.  Stonebridge once again proving to be home from home for Miller who has won all 3 of the last WHV events to be held at this venue.  Typically magnanimous after another great victory on this magical course, Miller stated:

“It is just the same as the Masters and Augusta.  My relationship with this course is steeped in history, tears, and triumph.  Stonebridge is no place for rookies, you need experience.  You need to know where to hit the ball and where not to hit the ball.”

This most cherished of all tour events did not however get off the greatest of starts.  An already meagre turnout, was further reduced at the last minute when Wooly decided to remain half drunk in his scratcher and set about himself rather than enter the event.  Gracious to a fault, Mssr William Spittle has promised to deal with this situation in a firm and resolute manner, obtaining the requisite funds and taking appropriate action.

Whilst Wooly was strangling himself, the rest of the society met up to begin this fabulous event.  Making up for this unscheduled absence, the Society welcomed a couple of bright, new young things in the form of:

Steve “Boycie” Harding, looking resplendent with his Magnum moustache; and

Dave “Ned” Kelley, making it clear from the start that we had to get a move on so he could watch his beloved Arsenal loose to Wigan in seven and a half hours time.

In fact Dave carried on to such a degree about this issue that he has already made a serious play for the ‘Society’s biggest whinging windbag git’ title so amply worn for the last 11 years by Mssr William Spittle.

In order to welcome these new fish into the warm and generous WHV bussom, nervous as they surely must be in such exalted company, Butters stole Dave’s bacon sandwich, sauced it up, and only relinquished it when his fingers were finally prised from the slightly stale bap.  Welcome Dave.  May your career with us prove to be packed full of many more of these selfless acts of generosity from our senior members.

And so to the golf.  With the groups of 3 decided the opening tee shots were struck.  Juice and Donk typically long and straight on the newly modelled opening hole, the rest just happy to get moving.  Especially Ned Kelley who was now nearly having kittens about his daily timings, and Mssr William Spittle who needed 3 of the first tee and then 4 more blows to find the fairway.  Never mind, all good work and leading up to him taking multiple skins off the Donk later in the round and paving the way for a famous Miller victory.

Such was the quality of the ensuing golf that this has to be the first event in WHV history that neither the shark nor the dog were won at the first time of asking.  Yes that’s right.  No one found the green on the 8^th or the fairway on the 12^th, despite Boycie being the last to drive, taking a 5 iron and missing the 30 yard-wide fairway by 25 yards.  They were hastily re-arranged and then these traditionally pointless distractions were won by Donk with a 245 yard drive on the 16^th and the TD who was nearest the pin on the 17^th.

It wasn’t all plain sailing for the boy Miller on his way to a glorious victory.  Some very erratic golf on the front nine, including 3 no returns, was tempered with a triple skin roll up victory on the 5^th.  Unashamed Miller stated:

“Simple.  Play to the rules of this fabulous format.  Let the lesser players scrap it out, halving holes, and then step in at the right time dropping a 30 foot birdie putt to clean up.  Marvellous.”

By the 9^th Miller had found his game, a tap in par gave him 4 skins on the front nine, and then a level par blitz over the next 6 holes, winning all the skins, was enough to win at a canter.  Just as well and 2 more no returns and a bogey followed on the final 3 holes as Ned and Boycie scrapped it out for the minor honours in the winners group.  Gracious in defeat they both stated:

“Paul is a master sportsman.  He proves it every week on the dart board.  It is no surprise to either of us that he is brilliant at golf too.  Such fabulous sporting talent is rare, we are both honoured to have had the privilege of sharing this round with his genius.  Even more remarkable is that this sporting genius is accompanied and complimented by his kind and gentle nature, so unassuming, such a wonderful, caring and sensitive young man.  A real pleasure to know.”

Commenting on his victory the man of the hour stated:

“Just coincidence that Boycie and Ned were both in my group.  That’s the way the balls fell.  Really.  Everybody saw.  At least the ones that were there did.  I think.”

And the fact that they both played well below par allowing you to win your own tournament despite playing very ropey golf at times yourself?

“Another coincidence.  Obviously.”

What about changing the rules after the event by not allowing the dog or the shark to count as skins and therefore preventing Donk from winning?

“Well, they aren’t skins are they?  That is why they have different names.  If we followed Donk’s logic on this, then we may as well count the sausage, bean and cheese melt a skin.  Actually I think that was made of skin so that might be a bad example, but you know what I mean.”

So in the end the final placings, subject to the usual wrangling, griping, appeals and fines processes were:

Victor, man of the hour, top boy, champion, Johnny Big Nut & 2014 PR Skins Championne Supreme:

1^st:  Miller with £15.50 in SKINS prize money

2^nd:  Nelly K with £14.25

3^rd:  Donk with £13.50

Big Dog:  Donk £5

Shark:  Gregs £5

As the Pres pointed out this week there are some outstanding matters from the Spittle that need clearing up. I hope that the picture below deals with 2 of them. I do not pretend that it was right or acceptable to forget these 2 pieces of society tatt on Saturday. I will gladly except motown readings or vimtos or the like as suitable punishment. However, here they are, as you can all see, in the warm, in my possession, alive, well and not suffering unspeakable torment and horror at the hands of gypsies.

The issue of Noz fiddling the hcaps to collect stars. We know he has been at it for years, he’s even basically admitted to it, but impossible to prove so we have to move on.

So, that just leaves the dog as the remaining piece of outstanding society business from Saturday does it not? Oh dear, oh deary deary deary dear indeed.

So if the Pres can forward a piccy of the dog safe and well we can put this whole dismal start to the season behind us. By safe and well I do not mean burning alongside the tires in an old oil drum having been treated to the Romany equivalent of a Barrymore pool party.

Please send the piccy Dougal, come on now, jokes are over player.

Miller.

Clicky to see bigger, but you stay classy dude.

So, the morning three of the Captain’s matchplay was as metrosexual as a round of golf can get. Your WD was intrigued by the ongoing chatter of TD and Millers on their satorial preferences.

Brown legs, shaved chests, techniques for buttering up the Mrs by telling her she had slender ankles or a smooth liver – it was all there to be had between shots. As we started onto the back 9:

Millers: “Tell you where I get a lot of good stuff now – Top Man”

TD: “I Know, cracking”

Shortly thereafter –

TD: “Where’d you get them shorts from – they’re lush”

Millers: “I know mate, bought them off season. The Mrs said I was daft to buy shorts in winter, but you can’t argue with those prices”

TD: “You’ve GOT to shop off season mate, it’s the only way.”

“Oy vey”, “Helluva Boy” etc. etc.

I was a little bewildered, as I tend to either shop at M&S or TK Maxx, or when in the States. All this chatter about Top Man reminded me of when I did give a stuff about looking sharp, and going into Top Man and other shops in Leeds. As Top Man was to Top Shop, Concept Man was to Chelsea Girl. An eighties nightmare of Don Johnson gear, it nonetheless ended up becoming River Island after only a few years – my proof from a Competition Commission report is shown below.

However, Millers thought I’d entered the same twilight world as him and the TD and thought Concept Man was an invention of my mind, a gay fantasy figure to match up to a chap called milko who had or was a big black dildo (or something, I got a little lost as he got giddier).

I promised him I would provide proof of Concept Man, hence this post. I doubt it will make a difference.

I suspect both of my playing partners would be more interested in the current Concept Man – a brand of tanga underwear for muscle men in france. Greggors – you’ll love this site.

Here is a definition from Urban Dictionary.

My personal favourite from the list…

Concept Man proof to follow