WHVGOLF.COM: Captain, it’s been a long time since you savoured the sweet taste of victory, how are you feeling?

William Spittle: Delighted, being honest I’ve been expecting a win for a little while now. I’m probably 2-3 shots over handicapped at the minute but I hope to get back down to around 18 by the end of the season.

WHVGOLF.COM: The Web Donk was witness to the ding dong battle between you and the TD, and saw how visibly deflated you were at that chip in on the 18th – did you really want to murder him at that point? More than you would do anyway…

William Spittle: I wouldn’t say deflated, I still had a 12 foot putt to make a gross birdie on the 18^th. I was pretty sure that making the putt would mean a win for me and that if I missed Gregs would probably win. The only person who was close to a punch in the face was Mike who decide to start shouting abuse when I was addressing the putt. Very poor etiquette once again and I can understand why Aust threatened to lamp him on the 18^th at the PEDRO last year. He needs to learn how to behave on a golf course.

WHVGOLF.COM: What was sweeter – winning the prestigious minor or taking Gamble Gibbon for nearly two pairs of Hi Tec shoes?

William Spittle: The 5 pound win bet I had on myself at 15/2 made it even sweeter, but I have to say getting back on the winning trail was more important to me.

WHVGOLF.COM: How much of the edge was taken off seeing the TD completely forget about Gamble Gibbon as ‘Come on Neptune son’ nosed the National?

William Spittle: None at all, I was pleased for him.

WHVGOLF.COM: Is this the start of Noz bouncing back? Will you be up there challenging Bacon for titles, rather than leading the chorus of ‘Boring Boring Bacon’ as has been the case throughout the handicap anomaly that has given him two stars?

William Spittle: I expect to be there or thereabouts come the end of the season, the chants of boring boring Bacon will continue until he stops being boring and adds a bit of flair to his game..

WHVGOLF.COM: Finally, any message for the readers of WHVGolf.com, as victor of the (PR) Skins 2012?

William Spittle: Just 2 people, Aust and Pete who both let themselves down this weekend. Very disappointing from them both.

Avid readers might note that there was no whvgolf.com interview with the winner of the Gibbon. This was an editorial decision taken mainly in view of the semi-literate match report and general lack of excitement that accompanies any wins by Juice – he is the big hitting Bacon.

The Skins Match Report

The Players Reps Skins was organised by the President this year and I can already taste the Cheese and smell the 20 year old Tawny as a result. In all fairness to the PR it was a good move on his part as this was the second best event that has ever had his name to it, the best one being when he didn’t organise or attend the Captains Match play a couple of years ago.

My day started scrabbling around my garage for my golf shoes, both pairs of which I can’t find anymore. In all the panic I didn’t have time to grab the Shark from its pride of place on my bookshelf in the study from where it can be seen by all the neighbours. After picking up Gregs from outside Costa I remembered the Shark whilst still in Solihull but was prevented from returning for it by the days designated driver, and well known handicap fiddler, Bacon. As it turned out no-one was able to hit the green so it didn’t matter anyway and the matter was quickly forgotten by all.

The drive up was relatively straight forward, Mike had printed off some vague directions for us to follow in preference to using the Sat Nav system he had stored in the drivers side passenger door. Needless to say we got lost as soon as we got off the motorway and drove around in circles for a while, eventually we booted up the Sat Nav and arrived 5 minutes later. I quickly purchased a snazzy pair of Hi-Tec golf shoes for 25 pounds in the pro shop and went to enjoy my bacon sandwich. Unfortunately the roll was too big and the bacon to miserly, a 6 / 10.

There was a starter on the first tee, she was a woman, this excited Gregs and he set about confusing her immediately. We all teed off, some more successfully than others and the skins was on.

I’m not certain what went on in the other group, but, myself, Adam and Gregs all played pretty solid golf, Donk less so. I played my joker on the 3^rd and got the net birdie for an additional skin and was also the only one of our group to hit the green and led from that point onwards. Adam was unlucky not to win more skins, whenever he came in on a hole someone always tied it. The Donk tried to introduce uncertainty to the round and put off his competitors as he fell apart, questioning the scoring system, fortunately he had it wrong.

I won the longest drive hole shaping a lovely draw down the fairway, my ball coming to rest 20 yards beyond Baxter and approximately 10 yards beyond Gregs who already believed he had it won. The Big Bertha 13.5 degree ladies driver had done it again, maybe some of the shorter hitters in the society should consider whether they are using appropriate equipment?

Gregs reined me in and heading to the 18^th we knew it was very close, he still had his Joker to play. He missed the green, I hit it with a beautifully weighted soaring 7 iron to about 12ft and I was confident that it would be enough for the win, but then disaster! I was off chatting to the lead group and heard a yell, Gregs had chipped in, no-one else saw it but he had got the birdie and possibly the hole. I needed my 12 foot putt, believing that not only would it win me the competition but also win my 5 pound bet at 7.5/1 with Gamble Gibbon. Bearing in mind the unplanned shoe purchase earlier in the day I really need the cash. I lined the putt up, a slight left to right, had my customary 3 or 4 practise swings and addressed the ball.

It was at this point that Bacon started shouting some rubbish from the side of the green about slow play. I showed great restraint and prevented myself from carrying out a vicious physical attack on him and chose to refocus on nailing the winning putt. I missed it.

Back in the clubhouse we had some pie and chips and a couple of pints, there was no sign of any cat food and the pie was actually ok. Donk and Dougal totted up the skins scores and, believing that I had lost on the last hole, tried to sell my bet back to Gregs for 20 pound so I could cover the cost of the shoes, he refused and no compromise could be reached. Baxter announced the results and me and Gregs were tied on 12 skins each (Adam and Bruce were delighted to find they were tied together by foreskins….again). It went to count back, who had won the most outright holes across the 2 groups, tied again, then the nearest the pin skin, neither of us had won, so went to the longest drive skin. Victory!! The ladies driver had done it again. I was £57.50 better off, enough for 2 pairs of Hitec golf shoes, and was back on the winning trail.

Not one for overt displays of emotion I calmly accepted the new gold medal provided by The Shropshire and the free round on October 26^th to play in a society winners event. I didn’t receive the Dog, I’m not certain why it wasn’t available for presentation I can only hope that it is prominently displayed in the house of whoever is in possession of it.

The Shropshire was a good course although a little rough around the edges and the day was a good one, thanks to the Pres for stepping in on behalf of Pedro. Aside from the below par Bacon rolls the only regret that I think we all came away with was that West Brom didn’t get thumped by QPR..

To summarise, I won, I took Gamble Gibbon to the cleaners, I won 10 pounds, I won 5 pounds, no-one won 5 pounds and Greggers won 5 pounds.

Here is the text of his Pre-AGM missive

Pedro out. Vote Ron.

· 2 years ago the Captains cup in Ilfracombe did not involve the Captain

· This year he turned up to the Captains Match Play, but did not even organise it himself (perhaps this is one of the reasons why the course was the 2nd worst we played all year)

· After the Claret Jug he wrote an inaccurate match report and refused to change it

· He makes up bizarre rants about speakers because he doesn’t understand the most basic of technologies

· He doesn’t even let people order his curry for him.

The TD responded by nominating Noz for 2011 TD.

Here’s hoping there are more than 3 of us left by the time we get to vote for the board – otherwise I’ll be demanding FIFA style “recognition” for my vote.

I have several clips from the evening, but these two demonstrate the extremes of society members.

First the President and Bruce chin their punishments almost quicker than I can capture.

Then Noz shows what it really feels like to put a Motown anything to the sword.

But today, I’m ‘working from home’, so here’s a quick round up of developments…

Noz the Tinkerman

Noz is evidently loving the power of organising the Jug weekend, taking particular delight in sorting out sleeping arrangements for the boys. We’ve had several updates as he’s changed round his own sleeping partner – or so it seems. He’s also confirmed the booking (put not included the price) of buggies for the weekend.

He has also assumed that we’re capable of organising our caravans to Devon – I’m guessing he will not be amongst those of us driving, although the TD appears to be wearing his sensible shoes and offering to drive rather than be the nightmarish “2 Stellas, best tune in the world, helluva boy – wait you DROVE PAST A COSTA?!” type passenger we all love. I suspect PEDRO power might be offering a book on the likelihood of the Saab being left behind as a wasted shell of a man cadges a lift from someone sober on Sunday evening.

At least the TD (and Noz and Spike) don’t now appear to be planning a Carry On-esque set of evening arrangements invovling a lads weekend being combined with a quiet weekend with the family. You can just imagine the potential japes that could have occurred.

Your key information for the WHV Open is that Tee Off times have moved from 12.55 to 12.45 on Saturday – a possibly vital

Amy Austin Venue Change

The Amy Austin is now being viewed as the Pro-Am practice round for the jug (I must remember to pack the magnificent trophy!), being played over the same track. At least we don’t have the prospect of finishing the elite tournament on winter greens like the 2009 Jug.

Shame, it would have been a good opportunity for members to pose with the picture of Ray Reardon at the original venue.

Dartmouth & Totnes

I am always amused by how familiar some society members are with the local hostelries down in Devon. My boss has in-laws down in Totnes and wishes us luck finding a boozer that isn’t already a sausage fest due to the proximity of the Naval College.

Alleged levels of man meat in Dartmouth are high

The BBC weather looks suspiciously upbeat – it was predicting HEAVY rain for the Amy Austin just a couple of days ago

Biggest poker fair in Europe, on Leicester Square. Lotsa dolly birds, fast motors and sleazy looking dudes, but no sign of Noz or Ron, and I had a proper look round. They might be waiting for the action to hot up on the tables though.

After Mike’s spawny victory in the skins, he retired to the Vaults for a few jars. I returned to the bosom of my young family, anticipating an evening relaxing at home. However, Mrs Donk had bumped into Mrs Bacon in Touchwood earlier in the day and they’d determined that a visit to Bacon Towers was in order for the evening. Mike had just lost his dad and is very fond of playing with Little Donk, plus is such a useless bloke that his wife wanted me to take some “Before” shots of their house as they begin their Grand Designs remodel. Plus, like, we’re friends and stuff.

So, at around 7pm, we arrive at Bacon’s. Mrs Bacon tells me that Mike is at the boozer, but has said he’d be home soon for his dinner. We then descend into farce – with several calls to Mrs B from the boys at the vaults, being lead by Noz, in his cups. The Captain and Millers were also present. They demanded that I join them to toast Mike’s great victory at the skins. Now, I witnessed this greatness – his four skins (fnar) came from a peach of an iron shot in the driving rain that took him several attempts to get away as he gayed it up in the wind and rain. The next two skins were long drive ones – the first by about 4 feet from me and Milko, and the last was a shinned drive that he wouldn’t have noted without me pointing it out to him once we got to the green. Not the fabulous roll to home from the Presidents, just a bit lucky for once – good for him, but not really based on great golf! So I decided to spend time with the boy, the ladies and taking pictures of Mike’s house, as a favour, before it got dark.

Finally, Mike arrived home and presented me with two bits of paper, no doubt demanded from the barkeep by Little Prince Noz. Emboldened by beer, comfortable in familiar surroundings and egged on by his cronies. Noz failed to register that he was entering the 12th hour of his pregnant wife’s birthday away from her.  This was not a notified WHV Job, just an ad hoc beer or two.

I’ve just noticed that this note is signed by Noz, Cap’n and Mike! Also by Millers, Conceptman – who doesn’t know what he’s doing at the best of times.

Now when I then drove round to pick up the chinese, we popped into the vaults to find Noz, Millers and Pete sat there. Relatively merry, slightly abusive in their greeting for me, but when prompted, Noz responded that he was about to go get his own chinese for when his wife picked him up. Millers looked to becoming more and more aware that continuing to drink and not be at home with around 12 hours until he went on holiday was not the greatest idea, but it’s Millers. And Pete was, well, Pete. After the note, I expected to be hoisted by own petard, not the rather sheepish reception that actually occurred. Object lesson here in confronting ‘bullies’, and in locking this stuff away for next season when Noz will join me and Aust and the TD as new dads who find spending time with their kids more diverting than the Vaults – hopefully so for his daughter’s sake.

We’re out for dinner with the Spittles and Bacons tonight – posh Michelin star stuff in Edgbaston to commemorate my recent milestone birthday. I’m bound to get Noz-buse, again – witness the Jug weekend last year where I was accused of nursing a handicap on Friday by blobbing two holes on the toughest course we’ve ever played, only to see him do the same and much much worse on Sunday. I suspect he might have jumped the gun again, and pretty soon, I’ll be in a position to point out where he puts his family before a beer.

Will Noz ever stop calling people out for perceived slights? He’s not on the board any more, he’s not winning anything and pretty soon he’ll have to give the green jacket and the coveted OoM Three Wood to the next incumbent, he’ll join the rest of us ‘ordinary’ members of the WHV where there is no power or elevated status!

Tour Director caught harrassing necking children at Widney Manor GC

Noz gets a preview of life as the father of a little girl (Congrats Noz!)

Noz has announced the details of the WHV Open 2010 (and by extension, the Amy Austin)

Dear All,
 
As you know the Claret Jug is due to take place over the weekend of the October 8th / 9th and as last years winner I have the honour of organising this year’s event. I want to try and secure a booking reasonably soon.
 
The venue will be the Dartmouth Golf and Country Club.
 
http://www.dgcc.co.uk/
 
The Amy Austin will probably take place at Churston, which has Ray Reardon as the club President
 
http://www.churstongolf.com/book.html

As of the time of writing, the member participation stands at

Amy Austin + WHV Open Weekend – Noz, Bacon, Pres, Pedro, Bruce, Aust, Web Donk, Ron, Ads, Coops

Just the WHV Open Weekend – Campo, Idiot

TD is playing all the golf, but not doing the Friday job

Dear Bored,

If someone had a clean sweep of events – and picked up all the cash – would this jeopardise the golfer’s amateur status?  Can someone work this out – via the financial model?  If therefore the prize money is either held/spent by the TD’s misses/drunk and given out in one go at the AGM (I will make every effort to attend this year – even if it is via video link up) – to a potential winner of everything, will it top 500 quid? I would hate to see Prof’ for example, lose his amateurness and be excluded from playing WHV events for the next 2 years whilst he applies to regain his Status.

From the R and A rules:

Prizes in amateur events are limited to a value of £500

Maybe a link to the following will help the bored divert any possible ‘disasters’.

http://www.randa.org/rules/amateur/home

BR

Idiot Horn Sponsor

This was swiftly put to bed by the Players Rep, in his new role as Bored Enforcer, and in this instance, as the man with the correct answer. The £500 limit is per event, so unless the board substantially hikes entrance fees or society membership, we’re unlikely to breach this without a society sugardaddy.

On the Other Hand

However, this recent exchange has us judging Idiot for the Win.

Young Noz, the society curmudgeon, lambasted Rob for not having attended an AGM. As if anyone who’s attended an AGM could ever doubt the administrative HALLmark of the Idiot in the keeping of minutes and general arsewhiffery that goes on.

‘Rob has never bothered to attend an AGM, I think this is the real problem, I strongly suspect he is already planning to not attend this years event as well.’

‘Rob is an idiot.’

An Idiot who has attended an AGM. Was voted in as the first Club Captain at said AGM, and who took minutes of the meeting on the order pad of the waiter at the Royal Alfaisal. In fact, if one remembers rightly, Spittle W was also an attendant – but when it came to voting he was only there in body and not in mind – as he was in Bruce’s bed, fast asleep,  with Aust – who thankfully at that time did not have the Horn.

No more questions your honour, and get your facts right Ex Bored member.

Vote Ron Noz Asleep

Idiot Horn Sponsor