I have just updated the profile page for our President with some new information, and more importantly, some of this stuff.

Could this picture be any more ‘Inbetweeners’?

Feel free to retaliate, or up the ante

The 2010 WHV Open – The Claret Jug Weekend

Day 1…

As I began to stir from my Rattler enhanced slumber, a chirpy Aust was scuttling around in the corner of the room, in the dark – “Morning Pres, I was trying not to wake you. I’m just off to breakfast, see you later”. It was 10.25 and breakfast finished at 10.00 – It was Day 1 of the 2010 WHV Open, The Claret Jug Weekend and I had felt better.

I lay there, bemused, recalling the events of the previous night, (which I assume will be fully and accurately documented for the WHV legend by Prof Ash, the victor of the 2010 Amy Austin), my final memory of which was shouting, (to no avail), at the TD “…get off him, get off him, he’s got a dodgy ticker”, while an exuberant TD man handled the Web Donk at the back of the WHVGS bus from Dartmouth. When we arrived back at the hotel, I had taken myself straight to bed – to avoid the inevitable shenanigans.

I was not feeling particularly confident about the 36 holes ahead. The Amy Austin had given us a taster of the course, which had been suggested by the Tour’s “Low Man”, currently off plus 4 and was suitably tough – especially in the high gusting winds. I had carded 31 points on Friday (2^nd behind the Proff after a board room battle) which I was “absolutely fine” with, but I had consequently lost a shot after my 0.3 cut and given that I had not bothered the scorer for the last 2 years, other than a joint 2^nd in the 2010 Skins (by winning 3 skins), I had been struggling with my post 2008 GS Handicap. (The Proff on the other hand had managed to “maintain” his playing handicap for the weekend, he had asked on the 18^th tee of the AA – “I don’t have to do any handicap protection do I?” – He then 4 putted the 18^th…)

After a shower and a Berocca, I made my way to the bar for about 11.15 and ordered a jacket potato with cheese and beans. It was not the finest meal I have ever eaten, which took both concentration and some serious chewing to get it down, 20 minutes later the plate was clean(ish). In and around the bar area there was a number of the WHV contingent, in various states of rude health. Notably, The Aust (on the back of 14 hours sleep having avoided the previous night’s “Rattler Friday” trip to Dartmouth, without suffering a handicap adjustment), Rob and Campo, (arrivals that morning for the CJ open only), were looking the most chipper. Apparently Ads and Juice had been on the putting green for “hours”, so they were obviously fancying their chances.

At the other end of the spectrum, The Proff, (who was looking more than a touch jaded and who’s abiding memory of the night was the “see off a couple of Rattler challenge” with Ron, he did not remember returning to the hotel or his attempted “lion taming act” in the early hours of Saturday morning). Ron was a first glance looking more alive than the Proff, but his opaque eyes told a slightly different story, Noz was limping and muttering about the TD.  As for the TD there had been no sign of him all morning – his room “mate” Noz had decided not to wake him – although there was some unexplained, rogue cutlery on the floor in the corner of the bar area and couple of discarded handbags…

Most of the CJ competitors assembled on the First at about 12.30 – after our normal shambolic transfer from the Club House, this time principally involving a chaotic buggy collection, allocation and payment process, but also, (not for the first time) involving a missing TD – Tee off was due at 12.45.

At 12.40 any further practice on the 3ft Brissle horn was outlawed, prior to The Aust’s announcement to the wider public through the medium of the Horn, that the 2010 WHV Open was about to commence – At this point it should be noted that the Brissle Horn had already been sounded during the weekend. Initially and most markedly at close quarters to a couple of unsuspecting innocents in a Sainsbury’s’ cark park somewhere between Dartmouth and Solihull, followed by a shout of “I bet you’ve never seen a horn like that before have you”, (I have no idea what the actual quote was, but it was along these lines), it had also been blown several times by Coops, who evidently is one of several ex-trumpeters amongst the GS Membership. Aust however is not one of the GS’ musical elite and as 12.45 approached we all anticipated something of a damp squib. However to our collective surprise Aust managed to produce and hold an acceptable note with his one attempt and his sounding of the Brissle Horn at 12.45 on 9^th October 2010 indicated the start of this year’s WHV Open. The TD had arrived wearing shorts and his WHV t-shirt – I was personally layered up (4 layers) and most boys were wearing hats.

Noz (the reigning WHV Open champion) tee’d off and from memory most people got away in reasonable order considering the level of Rattler consumption the previous night, in the knowledge that the first 5 holes of the course (on which I had scored 10 points on the previous day), was the easiest section of the course. Evidently, I was still somewhat “Rattled” and waiting for the healing properties of the jacket spud to kick in, blobbing the first (in fact the 1^st (Prof), 2^nd (Pres) and 3^rd (TD) from the AA all blobbed the first, along with Ads and Bacon). Fresh Campo, on the other hand, playing the blind hole for the first time, carded a 4 pointer with a gross birdie…

Standing on the 6^th tee I was feeling a touch sorry for myself having chuffing blobbed 3 of the first 5 and being 6 Stapleforth points behind where I had been on the previous day, the omens were not good, when all of a sudden a Course Marshall drove up in a buggy, with a smile on his face……

Marshall – “Are the jokers playing a couple of groups behind with you? One of them has got dark hair and wearing shorts.”

WHVers – “Er, yes, why, what has he done?”

Marshall – “I have just witnessed him walk into a water hazard on the 4^th to retrieve his ball and he has ended up waist deep in the drink! – What a bloody idiot”

WHVer – “Yep, that sounds like one of ours”

Marshall – “I wish my wallet was as thick as your mate” – The Marshall drove off…

I think that the principle is called “Schadenfreude”, (meaning pleasure derived from the misfortunes of idiots), but the thought of the TD flailing around, waist deep, in the freezing drink was obviously the tonic I needed and I subsequently gross par’d 3 of the next 4 holes bagging 11 points in the process – Things were back on track.

A couple of holes later the TD was naked on the tee, (and then naked whist rolling round on the floor chuckling to himself), having decided that his current sopping wet attire was unsuitable and given that he was unable to find his own waterproofs, he, in “commando stylie” donned the Proff’s “cycling waterproofs” resplendent with tasteful reflective flashing. I am yet to hear if the Proff has consequently burnt his water waterproof strides, but the thought of the TD cavorting round in those unencumbered for several hours, must surely require the destruction of these soiled objects.

The leader after 9 was Compo on 19, who had 2 gross birdies, followed by Bacon who after blobbing the first 2, had scored 18 on the next 7. The field (including the TD remarkably) had all scored between 12-15 points, except for The Prof and Ads. Also at the turn the TD popped into the Club House for some refreshments, at which point he was directed to towards an office to collect a letter addressed to Mr W Spittle. NB: This letter has nothing to do with the WHVGS specifically and as I understand it principally relates to: a skin-head in a black hoody, a scene from “Bridget Jones”, “hilarious” CCTV footage, an extinguisher and 125 lads, which by all accounts was entirely reasonable. The TD was unable to acquire the mid-round refreshment that he had initially sought.

The events of the back nine were less memorable, although I can confirm that the crayfish on the 14^th were still full hammer and we were joined my Mr J Spittle on the 16^th who had hot footed it 240 miles to Dartmouth for the evening’s events. Bacon scored another 18 points, making him a commanding overnight club house leader, with the Idiot Hall and Noz scoring 17 each – The Proff and Coops both had 5 blobs on the back 9, but at least Coops managed to salvage something with two 3 pointers on the 17^th and 18^th.

At the end of the first day Bacon was odds on for both the OoM and the CJ with 36 points, 5 ahead of me and the Idiot, Campo was on 30 and the field were all in the 20s, apart from The Proff (and his new swing) who was last with 19. Bruce took the Day 1 Shark, Rob was the overnight holder of the Hulk and Ads was the holder of the Big Dog.

The events of the “2010 CJ weekend General Meeting” will be documented in the minutes of the meeting, however for the purposes of the match report the key issues included:

• The presentation of the “WHV Naughty Port Decanter” to the WHVGS by the Idiot Hall, together with the consumption of 4 bottles of Port,
• The introduction of the “Extender Fork” to the WHVGS by the Idiot Hall and the subsequent commandeering of the Extender Fork by the WHVGS,
• The use of the Extender Fork by the overnight leader of the CJ,
• Numerous Cheeky Vimtos and Mowtown Dartmouths, (with Smirnoff Ice substituted for WKD),
• The successful “Baguette speaker” appeal,
• The Kangaroo court for the loss of the Pedro Fiver, the use of the Cape and Jack Nicklaus fiver fine,
• The TDs rendition of “Copacabana” accompanied by a very enthusiastic Proff, and
• A cheese board”, which was barely “value” in standard, let alone a connoisseurs’ board but the TUCs went down well.

Day 2…

I made it down to breakfast on the Sunday, along with most of the Competitors, although there was a general sense of fatigue among the troops. The Proff, who had misplaced the Amy Austin trophy after the previous night’s presentation, was delighted to be re-united with it when it was produced from behind the bar.

The Tee times were earlier, at 11.05, so after checking out, the normal debacle of getting everyone to the first, with the right number of buggies, paid for by the right individuals, most people were there just before 11.00 – The TD however was not, once again he was MIA…

At the allotted time the first group set off – the “tee of the day” had been changed from Blue which we had used for both the AA and day 1, to the Whites, adding c.500 yards to the course, making some of the holes a little more interesting, including the 18^th, which became a 212 yard Par 3 and the nearest the pin hole for the day. The first off was the Prof, wearing The Cape, due to the events of the previous night. Suffice to say, that he nailed it, showing the Membership his new swing, with the Cape flowing the gusting wind.

The next group off were itching to go, especially as there was no sign of the TD – Coops was particularly keen to start without him, but just as the fairway in front cleared – the TD came lumbering up the path. Apparently when he had popped back to his room before checking out he had been waylaid by a couple of cleaners, he had then decided to refresh his “Straightest Drive Stein” with some Otter. The Members were delighted. (Just behind the TD, keeping his distance, was a course marshal who had seemingly followed him from the Club House.)  Coops banged one down and there was a trademarked “clonk from the Donk”, the TD’s tee shot was less impressive, and he carded an 8 for the hole – In fact the TD carded a gross score of 126 for the round – including a further 8, a 9 and a 21…

Group 3, Ron, Noz (Wearing the Green Jacket down the first and with the CJ accompanying him in his buggy) and Aust, set off and all achieved net pars on the first. Leaving the final group of Bacon, me and the not so fresh combination of the Idiot and Campo to battle it out… Could anymore play out of their skin and catch Bacon or would the pressure of being overnight leader all become too much for him?

Generally the scoring off the whites was worse than the previous 2 days, apart from me managing to score 18 points and Coops who scored 17. The TD scored 6. Bacon had scored a reasonable 14, but it meant that I was only 1 point behind at the turn, game on…

After the 10^th it was all square and from then on it was pretty much nip and tuck. Bacon went 2 up with a 3 pointer on the 12^th and was 3 up after the 14^th – the 14^th being both “full hammer crayfish” and the 2010 Hulk proper – Ronnie absolutely smashed it, having already taken the Dog,  the day was all about the spot prizes for Ronnie this year and he was after a clean sweep.

The 15^th SI 1 was a testing par 4, downhill to lake at about 220 yards than then 200 yards uphill to green, with trouble down the right. Bacon hit the sh1te with his second and had to R4 (Rob doing the honours with the R4 lob into the sh1te), bacon hit his 5^th into a bunker and his 6^th was again in the rough – he blobbed. Fortunately, I got three points, back to all square, game on…

By the time we had arrived at the 18^th tee – 212 yards par 3 over water with the gallery watching, I was 1 up. Campo and The Idiot both hit fine tee shots, Campo piping Ron to the Shark and stopping his clean sweep of the day’s spot prizes. I was up before Bacon and decided to play relatively safe, banging one to the back of the green but over the water, Bacon also banged one safe, short, but safe.

Rob putted out, Campo holed his birdie putt, leaving Mike and I to putt out – Mike got a 5 and a point, all square… I got a four for 2 points and became the 2010 WHVGS Open Champion, but to my delight Mike had come second and therefore has probably won the 2010 OoM, which he thoroughly deserves after nearly hanging up his clubs 12 months previously and taking the 2010 Tour by the scruff of the neck.

As we arrived on the balcony area to watch Donk calculate the final scores etc… the TD realised that he had left his Stein in his buggy, which was now missing – He was far from happy and stomped around the place grumbling about urchins.

I wore the Green Jacket and cuddled the CJ all the way back, whilst being chauffeured by the Donk and I understand that by some miracle the TD opened his porch door later that evening to find that an “urchin” had returned his Stein.

The prize winners were:

1^st – D Baxter

2^nd – M Allsopp

3^rd – A Austin

Overnight club house leader – M Allsopp

Sunday Best – D Baxter

WHV Open : King of the par 3s – M Allsopp

WHV Open : King of the Par 5s – D Baxter

Hulk Day 1 – The Idiot Hall

Hulk Day 2 – Ron

Big Dog Day 1 – Ads

Big Dog Day 2 – Ron

Shark Day 1 – Bruce

Shark Day 2 – Campo

You know he’s not going to be as ‘forgetful’ with that as Noz occasionally was.

I drove the Pres home – the Claret Jug did not leave his grasp for the 3 hours it took us to get to Solihull

I have several clips from the evening, but these two demonstrate the extremes of society members.

First the President and Bruce chin their punishments almost quicker than I can capture.

Then Noz shows what it really feels like to put a Motown anything to the sword.

Dear Members

Firstly, I am delighted to announce that 2 of our erstwhile Members have just won Ladbrook Park’s most prestigious annual Pairs competition and the WHVGS Skins sponsors Messrs Brown & Cooper will soon have their combined names up in the Club house – Superb!

Bacon – be warned the OoM is not in the bag yet, because I doubt the Players Rep was playing off plus 4 today!

Members NB – This is your final pre-CJ warning – Please remember to bring the appropriate, assorted, WHVGS essentials currently in your possession – its a long drive back and I understand that at least one member is due in the “WHVGS Court” at some stage over the weekend – I have personally experienced the wrath of these court sessions before and they can be brutal….

Not long til the Amy

The Pres

The TD added the following:

Good work PR & Coops.

Can I also remind all Dartmouth bound members to ensure that, as well as the considerable budget planning which they will need to be considering around the purchase of many pints of Rattler, Proper Job & Tribute (not to mention Dartmouth or Motown Boltons), that they need to factor in the competition entry fees for the AA & CJ – notably the 20 bob entry fee for the latter – bargain.

Not long till myself and Aust travel down the M5 with a 5 foot copper horn in full resplendent view in the back of the motor.

As a result of a 2nd win on tour, Bacon drops a whole stroke to 24. By virtue of tying for second, the Captain joins him with one less bandit-y shot on 24. The President is a whisker away from being off 20 again.

As you all know the WHVGS 2010 OoM starts on Saturday – the damage is 45 lads per boy, including entrance fee, and people need to arrive by 1.30pm. Directions and course details are available at www.shirleygolfclub.co.uk

During the close season the new 2010 WHVGS Board have been working tirelessly to make the GS even better. If you come on Saturday you may (or may not see) some new arrivals to the legend, which may or may not include the “WHV Big Dog” and the “WHV Shark”….

Other key announcements are:

(a) “R4” – One of the cornerstones of the GS has been tweaked and improved, such that if a player decides to use R4, the ball must be thrown by another Member of the playing group, not themselves.
(b) The Annual WHVGS Membership fee of £10 per year – [All Board Members are already paid up] – The reason for this, is for all Members to invest in the future of the WHVGS, not just in the future of our own individual golf requirements, but we are also collectively investing in the future of Rob’s golf and trying to make him a better golfer, so that he can fully understand and appreciate the rules and the finer aspects of the game of golf – To avoid confusion the Annual Membership Fee must be paid by all Members, annually. This fee falls outside the Financial Model, and it will initially be carried forward towards the 10 year anniversary WHVGS CJ weekender in 2013, which WILL be abroad….
(c) The WHVGS Financial Model has been revised and is attached, please read this as it includes some interesting twists to the funding and payment profile of the GS……

(the financial model will be added to the site shortly)

(d) As always attendance at the 2010 AGM will be compulsory for all Members (who have paid their Annual Membership Fee – which can be paid on night of the AGM) and the Board has every confidence that the 2010 AGM will be better attended this year, (I hope that you have all read the 2010 WHVGS Financial Model – especially Section 4…), only Members present at the AGM will be eligible to vote at the AGM.

(e) New 2010 WHVGS “Designer” shirts will be available shortly, but not in time for the Gibbon.

(f) The WHVGS Ranking points allocation will remain the same as in 2010 and the Handicap mechanic also remains the same – The opening Handicaps for the 2010 OoM will be announced by the Captain before the Gibbon.
That’s all from me, for now.

– Not long since the “WHVGS Legislative” beat the “WHVGS Executive”, on the PR’s own track – Lovely
– Not long til the Gibbon
– Not long til the pre-Gibbon, Guinness fuelled, all dayer at the Cheltenham Gold Cup
– Not long til shouting come on you F’in Trickster until I am “horse” and then watching it get beat by both “Star” and “Man”, but 3rd will be good enough for me, although 1st would be better!

Yours, The Pres

Have You Seen Something Like This?

WHVgolf.com towers was shocked and saddened, as I imagine other society members were, by this confession, repeated in full here:

Having been a victim of another booze related self-implosion on Saturday evening, I unfortunately realised that the Pedro fiver was no longer in my possession on Sunday.

Being a natural optimist (or being in denial of the level of the losses of my faculties the previous evening) I assumed that I had handed the kitty to one of the Board before my departure on Saturday although, on investigation, this proved not to be the case.

As outlined by the President, I therefore got on the blower to AGM venue, The Lord Clifden, in a frantic search for the Pedro fiver. A very helpful member of the bar staff, Sarah, promised to check their tills and get back to me.

[quote]

Imagine my delight and relief when she said that she had located a Royal Bank of Scotland £5 and that she would hold onto this for me. She seemed slightly confused by my repeated questioning as to whether the note bore the legend ‘The Pedro Fiver’ although I promised to collect the cherished item whilst quickly convincing myself that she had simply overlooked any words being written on it.

Earlier today, I exchanged the note for £10 of my own money, having originally promised Sarah to more than reimburse the face value in my original clamour to retrieve the Pedro, and was gutted to discover that she had indeed been correct about an absence of writing on the note.

Despite the gravity of this position, I truly believe that the spirit of the WHVGS is not to consider this a devastating loss but to consider it as an opportunity – after all, what are the odds of the boozer having an almost identical note in their tills from the weekend ? (The Professor will probably calculate this for the benefit of the society). I have therefore seized the opportunity – namely to create further WHV legend in the prompt christening of ‘The Son of the Pedro Fiver’.

If the human race can evolve and improve from generation to generation then I am sure that the legendary potential of banknotes can also do the same and I shall therefore present to the Society…The Son of the Pedro fiver…

I’ll get my coat on the way out.

The TD

Most fined man in WHV Golf

This prompted the following response, in what I expect will become a trademark ‘cod-sympathetic’ style from our newest board member:

As a new member of the Board I can confirm that I am astonished that another member of the board could possibly lose something that is so cherished within the GS.

[quote2]

Whilst it is indeed uncanny that the boozer would have another Scottish Fiver, it is clearly not the same as the Pedro itself. The other Scottish Fiver is simply a fiver and worth it’s face value – I believe the Pedro Fiver has indeed been referred to as ‘priceless’ in the past.

However I have been appointed as the Players Rep, so will try and do my best for you Mr Gregory!

Finally, the Pres weighed in with a rather tame query as to the serial number of the disappointing ‘Son of the Pedro Fiver’.

Let this be a lesson to all WHVers. Christmas is a dangerous time when you are transporting valuable treasures. Be Smart. Leave Them At Home.

TD caught on camera in a rare moment when he isn't 'tensing'