Remember that we don’t charge an annual fee for membership anymore, so providing you don’t, ahem, forget your shirt it won’t cost you a fortune to get back amongst it.

We have 11 confirmed players as follows:
Skip, Pres, TD, PR, Donk, Coops, Aust, Ads, Noz, Prof & Bacon

The first tee time is 10.30am, so please aim to arrive by 10am. There will be no breakfast pre the golf so get your mrs’ to make you a bacon sarnie early doors. There will be coffee on arrival from the machine!

The fee is £45 per person which is payable to me, so please bring cash with you. The £45 covers your green fee, sandwiches after the round and your whvgs entry fee. All in all excellent value for a superb golf course and what is bound to be yet another great WHVGS day out.

The usual prize money is available, so make sure you have the WHV AGM in your diaries so you can collect at the end of the year.

On top of the traditional prize fund there will be additional prizes courtesy of the Skipper and BetRon are offering a free £1 Stapleforth sweepstake – it could be your lucky day. Of course additional bets will be available prior to the off from BetRon – good luck and bet responsibly.

I am very pleased to confirm that the additional prizes include CD ‘The Essential Judas Priest’ and DVD ‘Judas Priest Electric Eye’, both of these items will be signed by KK Downing (aka Ken!) on the day – Ken quit the Judas Priest world tour earlier this year so that he could be available to sign the WHVGS prizes, fair play to him. These prizes will be owned by the prize winners and not by the WHVGS, so you wont have to listen to them on the way to every WHV event or anything like that.

Good luck to the world’s richest and horniest golfer on his return to competition – we’d just like to see Showelly again

I’d say the Stein is staying put on that rather spartan mantelpiece

From Captain Ron

WHV’ers

The first in an ongoing series where the Players Rep reminds us mortals what it is to be an uberhuman, at golf, at gambling, at poker, at socialising, at buying pork products….his confidence in his own abilities is not built on sand.

Something at the Jug weekend must have prompted this unsolicited missive to the members ( I suspect it might have been Aust breaking the rules as he broke with tradition and got ‘stuck in’). We did get through 3 or 4 bottles of varied quality – I suspect there will be some very spurious fines throughout next year to get us our new ‘quota’ of our preferred tipple.

Gents,
Some important info for you below:
Myths and traditions surround the drinking and enjoyment of port more than any other wine as
shown at this years WHVGS WHV Open
 
Passing the Port
The most widely known tradition is believed to come from British naval customs for serving the wine. The decanter of port is placed in front of the host who then serves the guest to his right, then passes the decanter to the guest on his left (port-side). The port is then passed to the left all the way back to the host.
 
If the Port doesn’t come back
If the decanter does not come full circle back to the host, it is impolite to ask for it directly. Instead the host asks the individual closest to the decanter, if he knows the bishop of Norwich or any other village in England. The question is not to provoke a reply but action the immediate passing of the port. Should the unfortunate offender answer the question by saying “No,” is told that “the bishop is an awfully good fellow, but he never passes the port!” sparking, hopefully, the individual to realize he is hogging the decanter.
 
Decanting the Port
When decanted at the table, the bottle of Port should be finished in one sitting. Not recommended if there are only a few guests!
Cheers
PR

Whilst I don’t know for sure, I think I can safely say that in terms of financial lay down I am Pedro Powers biggest customer on tour. As such the PEDRO MASTERS with it’s unique betting format and rich purse is one of my favourite events on the tour calendar.

In the Captains own tongue, the event can be described as ‘one of character incorporating an 18 hole individual Stapleforth and unique format devised by the Professor’. This years event was certainly no let down and on behalf of the GS I would like to take this opportunity to thank him for his efforts.

The day started well, the TD was driving and collected me on time. The TD collecting me had a double bonus, firstly it meant I could relax in the comfort of the Saab 93 and secondly it meant that the TD’s booze consumption would be limited. Next stop was Chez Austhuizen – after a brief inspection of Bombers handy work in the new kitchen and a little chat with the Huizen’s Mrs and little Amy Austin the clubs were loaded and we would depart for Cambridge. At this point I feel compelled to report that Bomber’s work in Austs kitchen looked excellent, Noz informs me that his day rate is £85, so If you need some work doing at home and like me you can’t be arsed with DIY,  Bomber is your man. Also it was a pleasure to meet Amy Austin for the first time, she really is a gorgeous little girl (she must get if from her mother!), as she matures in years surely she will become so proud to hear that she has a superb golf tournament named after her.

Only one stop for Costa broke up a seamless transportation from Austhuizen’s to Cambridge. We bumped into the Web Donk at the services, although he did not indulge in Costa, opting for a couple of bottles of coke instead. Arrival at the Menzies Cambridge Hotel and Golf Club would follow shortly after Costa.

By the time we arrived everyone was already there and the pre match bacon sangers soon arrived – as reported by the Donk, the bacon to bread ratio was pleasing, unlike paying £3.30 pint of Carling. Everyone weighed the TD in with the good value for money GS entry fee before picking lots from the Cap’n for their turn to place a bet with Pedro Power on the PEDRO MASTERS, this process really highlights how totally unconnected The WHVGS and Pedro Power are.

Pedro Power is a huge supporter of the PEDRO MASTERS even though it is a totally separate entity and not at all connected. It funds a lucrative final fourball nearest the pin competition for the 3 members who wager the most – those lucky 3 players also have the opportunity to play with The Cap’n which is always a good opportunity to learn something. Noz just missed out of the final 4 ball when his £17 wager was usurped by Brucey (£20), The Pres (£21) and The PR (£25). I can confirm that I did learn something that day – ‘100% of short putts do not go in’ The Cap’n informed me of this on about 12 of the 18 greens as my ball finished shy of the hole.

Not shown - Ron Pissing on a Dead Bunny

As we arrived on the first tee we realized how windy it was, Cambridge Golf Club was going to be playing tough today. I nipped off for a piss in the bushes by the first tee, when I looked down I discovered I was pissing on a dead rabbit – strange, It reminded me of the ‘Dead Rabbits’ from Gangs of New York, a great film, if you have not seen it go and rent it.

The final fourball got off to a pretty good start and the scoring through the first 9 was pretty good from 3 of us – The Cap’n was nursing a bad back, an injury picked up when moving flats a week or two before and it seemed to be affecting those all important power shots in his game.

My game was pretty solid, only one bogey and a par nett bogey (don’t you just love those) on the front 9 saw me turn with 19 points, the highlight being an eagle 3 on the par 5 7th, Brucey was only 3 points behind on 16. We had heard mutterings on the course that Bacon was once again on fire and looking at his card post the match it proved the mutterings were indeed true as he turned in 20 points.

The PEDRO MASTERS was an opportunity to try and get within striking distance of OOM leader Bacon, ahead of the final showdown only weeks away in Dartmouth. This for me was the main objective, fuelled by a £25 wager at 4-1 with Pedro Power at the beginning of the season for Ron to win The OOM – Later I would learn the meaning of bitter/sweet success.

Some interesting holes on the back 9 awaited, particularly the 16th where our tournament sponsor had devised another of his fining mechanisms payable by every player who missed the fairway – With a real show of GS driving accuracy all 11 players missed the fairway so the fines accumulated to the pleasure of the eventual recipient; the player finishing in 2nd place.

I made a solid start to the back 9 as did Brucey, but The Pres was on fire and showing glimpses of the form that netted him the green jacket a couple of years earlier with 7 points from two holes (10th & 11th). It was time to knuckle down and grind out a few pars to try and win my group and find out my fate.

The final hole was a straight par 5 with drink all the way down the right hand side and a couple of brooks crossing the fairway. It was not the best hole The Pres had ever played, his ball seeing the water on 3 occasions which added to the fining tally for 2nd place and also saw him take the title of player with most fines on the day – this of course was joy to the Web Donk’s ears who had placed a specialist bet (£5 at 8-1) for The Pres to take this title – a hammering for Pedro Power.

Two putts from the side of the green would be enough for my closing birdie, 39 points, the Major Title, £40 1st Prize and an almighty handicap chop. This is the bitter/sweet part – the success of winning and closing the gap on Bacon Bonce in the OOM standings bitterly damped by the handicap hatchet slicing through the very heart of my OOM winning opportunities at the Jug weekend with a cut from -1 to -4. To put this new handicap into perspective I did a little research to find out the club playing handicaps of the current England Amateur Golf First Team – Out of 6 there is only one player on -4….However I am delighted to win and will be heading to the Amy Austin and Claret Jug energized and focused, although if I were you I wouldn’t put a wager on me!

I would like to now give thanks to the caterers at Cambridge Golf Club for putting on some lovely food, the Cap’n for organizing a great event, my playing partners for their excellent company during the day and of course the governing body of our sport – the WHVGS Board for guiding the Society to the heights that it enjoys today.

One apology is from me to Noz, for my failure in bringing the WHV Shark to Cambridge. I of course will accept the punishment which is no doubt coming my way at the Jug Event – I have already purchased a £34 bottle of 20 year aged Tawny for general consumption at the AGM due to previous misdemeanors.

Please find the list of winners and money earners detailed below, Cheers Ron:

1st Place – Ron (£40)

2nd Place – Campo (£33.50)

Big Dog – Ads (£15)

Shark – Noz (£15)

There were of course several other payouts by Pedro Power, I suspect this was a bad day at the office for our official GS bookmaker.

Biggest poker fair in Europe, on Leicester Square. Lotsa dolly birds, fast motors and sleazy looking dudes, but no sign of Noz or Ron, and I had a proper look round. They might be waiting for the action to hot up on the tables though.

Here is a message from Sponsor and Players Rep Mr Brown

Here is the list of players, timings and details for the most eagerly awaited event since the Captain’s Matchplay Event…..

13 Confirmed Players:
The Players Rep, The President, The Captain, The TD, The Web Donk, Noz, Coops, Pal O Onions, Bacon, Brucey, Ads, Austhuizen & Millers.

Please all bring with you £35 in cash which is payable directly to The Players Rep and covers the green fee, coffee, bacon roll and entry fee.

The idea of the skins event is a ‘shoot at flags’ scenario, there is no need for play of a conservative nature, so bring your aggressive game with you.

There is a significant purse up for grabs along with some excellent spot prizes, including the fabulous prize of ‘Win a Round With Ron & Coops’. All of the spot prizes and skins event rules will be revealed when we meet for breakfast,
which will be served at 9.00am.

I have provided the admin team at Stonebridge Golf Club with all of the players email addresses so that they can send you a 241 voucher – Another example of the Players Rep thinking about the Society.

I have also arranged for some excellent weather with the big fella upstairs, so Bacon Bonce I suggest you bring your sun cream for your bonce.

That’s it from me for now. Look forward to seeing you all at 9.00am on Saturday morning

I noticed the following exchange in the recent emails about the forthcoming Captain’s. The opportunity was there for Board members to connive on the sensitive subject of handicaps, particularly that of Big Ron – who might be a little worried that he’s only in 2nd place in the OoM and his big wager with PedroPower might be in jeopardy (can you see the flaw in his plan here?)

Ron – Skip can you review my handicap please?

Pete – What, have you been playing well recently?

Ron – Lol, No

Pete – I have reviewed the website and your handicap is -1.4.  While I can adjust handicaps on general play outside of WHV events; I would only tend to do this on general good play. Unless, maybe, someone lost a leg or something.

Otherwise it would be very suspect should someone ‘raised’ then go onto win an WHV event, or maybe even the OOM. In fact, I imagine there would be a revolt.

At the AGM the incoming Captain recommends handicap changes. Last year, I recommended considerable increases for 2 people who thought they were better than they actually are. Should next years’ Captain make a similar recommendation to you; I strongly advise that you accept the recommendation.

I have every expectation of a great performance from you at the Captain’s Match play. Pedro Power agree – they have installed you as second-favourite after the Captain himself. Match play is more about bottle than form, so  – to a degree – handicaps are irrelevant anyway. I think you’ll do well.

WHVgolf.com says…Well Done Skipper, this is patent sharkery and banditism