WHVGOLF.COM: Captain, it’s been a long time since you savoured the sweet taste of victory, how are you feeling?

William Spittle: Delighted, being honest I’ve been expecting a win for a little while now. I’m probably 2-3 shots over handicapped at the minute but I hope to get back down to around 18 by the end of the season.

WHVGOLF.COM: The Web Donk was witness to the ding dong battle between you and the TD, and saw how visibly deflated you were at that chip in on the 18th – did you really want to murder him at that point? More than you would do anyway…

William Spittle: I wouldn’t say deflated, I still had a 12 foot putt to make a gross birdie on the 18^th. I was pretty sure that making the putt would mean a win for me and that if I missed Gregs would probably win. The only person who was close to a punch in the face was Mike who decide to start shouting abuse when I was addressing the putt. Very poor etiquette once again and I can understand why Aust threatened to lamp him on the 18^th at the PEDRO last year. He needs to learn how to behave on a golf course.

WHVGOLF.COM: What was sweeter – winning the prestigious minor or taking Gamble Gibbon for nearly two pairs of Hi Tec shoes?

William Spittle: The 5 pound win bet I had on myself at 15/2 made it even sweeter, but I have to say getting back on the winning trail was more important to me.

WHVGOLF.COM: How much of the edge was taken off seeing the TD completely forget about Gamble Gibbon as ‘Come on Neptune son’ nosed the National?

William Spittle: None at all, I was pleased for him.

WHVGOLF.COM: Is this the start of Noz bouncing back? Will you be up there challenging Bacon for titles, rather than leading the chorus of ‘Boring Boring Bacon’ as has been the case throughout the handicap anomaly that has given him two stars?

William Spittle: I expect to be there or thereabouts come the end of the season, the chants of boring boring Bacon will continue until he stops being boring and adds a bit of flair to his game..

WHVGOLF.COM: Finally, any message for the readers of WHVGolf.com, as victor of the (PR) Skins 2012?

William Spittle: Just 2 people, Aust and Pete who both let themselves down this weekend. Very disappointing from them both.

Avid readers might note that there was no whvgolf.com interview with the winner of the Gibbon. This was an editorial decision taken mainly in view of the semi-literate match report and general lack of excitement that accompanies any wins by Juice – he is the big hitting Bacon.

The Skins Match Report

The Players Reps Skins was organised by the President this year and I can already taste the Cheese and smell the 20 year old Tawny as a result. In all fairness to the PR it was a good move on his part as this was the second best event that has ever had his name to it, the best one being when he didn’t organise or attend the Captains Match play a couple of years ago.

My day started scrabbling around my garage for my golf shoes, both pairs of which I can’t find anymore. In all the panic I didn’t have time to grab the Shark from its pride of place on my bookshelf in the study from where it can be seen by all the neighbours. After picking up Gregs from outside Costa I remembered the Shark whilst still in Solihull but was prevented from returning for it by the days designated driver, and well known handicap fiddler, Bacon. As it turned out no-one was able to hit the green so it didn’t matter anyway and the matter was quickly forgotten by all.

The drive up was relatively straight forward, Mike had printed off some vague directions for us to follow in preference to using the Sat Nav system he had stored in the drivers side passenger door. Needless to say we got lost as soon as we got off the motorway and drove around in circles for a while, eventually we booted up the Sat Nav and arrived 5 minutes later. I quickly purchased a snazzy pair of Hi-Tec golf shoes for 25 pounds in the pro shop and went to enjoy my bacon sandwich. Unfortunately the roll was too big and the bacon to miserly, a 6 / 10.

There was a starter on the first tee, she was a woman, this excited Gregs and he set about confusing her immediately. We all teed off, some more successfully than others and the skins was on.

I’m not certain what went on in the other group, but, myself, Adam and Gregs all played pretty solid golf, Donk less so. I played my joker on the 3^rd and got the net birdie for an additional skin and was also the only one of our group to hit the green and led from that point onwards. Adam was unlucky not to win more skins, whenever he came in on a hole someone always tied it. The Donk tried to introduce uncertainty to the round and put off his competitors as he fell apart, questioning the scoring system, fortunately he had it wrong.

I won the longest drive hole shaping a lovely draw down the fairway, my ball coming to rest 20 yards beyond Baxter and approximately 10 yards beyond Gregs who already believed he had it won. The Big Bertha 13.5 degree ladies driver had done it again, maybe some of the shorter hitters in the society should consider whether they are using appropriate equipment?

Gregs reined me in and heading to the 18^th we knew it was very close, he still had his Joker to play. He missed the green, I hit it with a beautifully weighted soaring 7 iron to about 12ft and I was confident that it would be enough for the win, but then disaster! I was off chatting to the lead group and heard a yell, Gregs had chipped in, no-one else saw it but he had got the birdie and possibly the hole. I needed my 12 foot putt, believing that not only would it win me the competition but also win my 5 pound bet at 7.5/1 with Gamble Gibbon. Bearing in mind the unplanned shoe purchase earlier in the day I really need the cash. I lined the putt up, a slight left to right, had my customary 3 or 4 practise swings and addressed the ball.

It was at this point that Bacon started shouting some rubbish from the side of the green about slow play. I showed great restraint and prevented myself from carrying out a vicious physical attack on him and chose to refocus on nailing the winning putt. I missed it.

Back in the clubhouse we had some pie and chips and a couple of pints, there was no sign of any cat food and the pie was actually ok. Donk and Dougal totted up the skins scores and, believing that I had lost on the last hole, tried to sell my bet back to Gregs for 20 pound so I could cover the cost of the shoes, he refused and no compromise could be reached. Baxter announced the results and me and Gregs were tied on 12 skins each (Adam and Bruce were delighted to find they were tied together by foreskins….again). It went to count back, who had won the most outright holes across the 2 groups, tied again, then the nearest the pin skin, neither of us had won, so went to the longest drive skin. Victory!! The ladies driver had done it again. I was £57.50 better off, enough for 2 pairs of Hitec golf shoes, and was back on the winning trail.

Not one for overt displays of emotion I calmly accepted the new gold medal provided by The Shropshire and the free round on October 26^th to play in a society winners event. I didn’t receive the Dog, I’m not certain why it wasn’t available for presentation I can only hope that it is prominently displayed in the house of whoever is in possession of it.

The Shropshire was a good course although a little rough around the edges and the day was a good one, thanks to the Pres for stepping in on behalf of Pedro. Aside from the below par Bacon rolls the only regret that I think we all came away with was that West Brom didn’t get thumped by QPR..

To summarise, I won, I took Gamble Gibbon to the cleaners, I won 10 pounds, I won 5 pounds, no-one won 5 pounds and Greggers won 5 pounds.

The founding “Player’s Rep Skins” event was one of the most enjoyable events on the 2010 calendar and I was very much looking forward to the 2011 competition. The format favours those Society Members who have natural flair and the nerve to go for every shot because, in my opinion, there is absolutely no point in shooting a net par round of eighteen 2 pointers. The format requires; full beans off the tee, soaring, majestic long irons, pitching in, sinking long puts and leaving nothing short – 100% of short putts don’t go down. It is the Tour Event aimed at the real men in the society, not the mice.

In 2010 Ronnie had organised a WHV Banner (and a Brown and Cooper one), a very, very entertaining Pedro Master Class (check the video), society photographs, personalised score cards, a straightest drive line down the centre of the fairway with additional GS Stein and a spot prize (a round with Brown and Coops, which to this day I have no idea if it was ever collected or not, but due to the relaxed nature of the winner (Aust) I assume not and I imagine that the offer has now expired) – what could Juice bring to the PR Skins party I wondered…Well he couldn’t arrange a Pedro Master Class, because Pedro had bailed at the last minute – pulled his hamstring playing soccer down the park with some local urchins apparently – or perhaps he bailed due to the nightmares that still haunt him from the last time we played at Ingon on Tour and the lost ball expenses he incurred or perhaps it was just a continuation of the current level of commitment he is affording the WHVGS in 2011, after Noz conspired against him at the 2010 AGM, or perhaps it is the embarrassment that he is yet to pay his 2011 Membership subs (I Hall is the only other “regular” still owing his 2011 tenner), or perhaps he has had his head turned by a girl, we shall never truly know, all we do know is that he didn’t show up and gave minimal notice – very disappointing.

Juice couldn’t do the straightest drive for the Stein because the TD nabbed that prize for the Gibbon, when he failed to get the line marked on the first fairway. The WHV banner was not visible and nor was the Brown and Cooper banner and there was no group photo – largely down to the poor attendance….However, make no mistake, Bruce delivered, no question about that, he delivered a tight, hard fought, nip and tuck competition, won by a worthy winner, he delivered £40 of hard cash into the sustainable funding model, he delivered a Sponsor’s spot price opening himself up to 35 quid of personal exposure, he delivered some superb steak and mushroom pies – albeit served in an sauna – he delivered a new WHVGS Tour air-loom, in the form of an engraved pewter hip flask, the PR Skins Engraved Pewter Hip Flask – excellent stuff.

The 8 entrants met in the Ingon Greenhouse and after consuming the excellent pies (including a couple of spares due to the late drop outs…) they headed to the first, still discussing and debating the format, (Aust tried to hire a buggy, to no avail), should the drawn skins be carried forward to the next hole, should spot prizes be included as skins at all, what spot prizes should be played for at all, etc.. etc.. blah, blah – Sense finally prevailed and to my delight, we kept the traditional format.

Skins do not carry forward and spot prizes (in this case just the Dog and Shark) count as skins – 20 skins up for grabs. Juice also personally stumped up £5 a man for anyone who could drive and hold the 310 yard, downhill, par 4, 4th. Some people were close(ish), but ultimately Bruce’s dough was safe.On the tricky 18th Noz and I, after a couple of excellent drives avoiding both the drink and the traps – discussed at length whether it was a full hammer 56 degree or 60 degree shot to pop it over the bunker protecting the front of the green, with a bit of check and roll up next to the flag for a gross birdie to claim the final skin… This is not the sort of conversation we would have been having a few years ago…

Suffice to say, I pulled my shot, whilst giving it full beans, missing the green by about 30 yards left and had no check, whereas Nozza put his to about 6 foot, he then missed his birdie putt leaving himself about an inch – a putt that he “missed”, due to a twitch whilst addressing the ball to card a 5, Millers almost chipped in, but didn’t.

The attachment (courtesy of the Donk, thanks Donk) shows a hole by hole analysis,  of who won each hole or how it was drawn and how the lead changed – it also shows that 13 of the 20 available skins were won, 2 spots and 11 holes were won out-right; 5 won with net Eagles and 6 with net Birdies, 7 holes were halved 4 with net birdies and 3 with net pars and the WHVGS’ collective best score was 20 under the card.

Bruce scored 38 Stapleforth points and had it been a Stapleforth based event he would have won, The TD played as well as many people (including himself) have seen him play for a long, long time and if he could putt, (which he can’t) he would have won, Aust would have won easily had the skins been allocated on a “carry-over” basis, which they weren’t or he had been driving a buggy rather than slogging up and down the hills, Millers claims that he was robbed, Pedro would have probably won, if he hadn’t bailed at the last minute and I got 7 or so blobs and lost about the same number of balls – although Miller in the group behind did find one of my errant “Pres” balls in the deep sh1 te somewhere around the 15th – it’s fair to say that the player who played the most aggressively, taking on the tiger lines and the try to hit every ball as hard as you can approach (with mixed success) was victorious and is now the inaugural holder of the superb PR Skins Engraved Pewter Hip Flask, kindly donated by the 2011 Players Rep, lovely.

The scores on the doors were:·       

Champion (3 skins) inc. the Big Dog : £10.00, the PR Skins Engraved Pewter Hip Flask** and the Dog·       

Runner-up – Miller (2 Skins) : £6.66·       

Third Shark (2 Skins) inc the Shark – Web Donk : £6.66 and the Shark

Other cash prize winners:·       

Juice (2 Skins) : £6.66·       

Aust (2 Skins) : £6.66·       

Bacon (1 Skin) : £3.33·       

Nozzer and the TD, no skins.

The PR Skins Engraved Pewter Hip Flask** :

NB – the 2 former organisers of the PR Skins have agreed, which has been ratified by the Board that the following rules should apply to the PR Skins Engraved Pewter Hip Flask:The PR Skins Engraved Pewter Hip Flask, (the “PRSEPHF”), must be present and fuelled up with a suitable, (but undefined), drink of the Holder’s choice with an alcoholic beverage, with a by volume rating of 20% or more, (the only exempted beverage to this rule being port (tawny, aged or otherwise), at the commencement of each round of the Any Austin and WHV Open Championship and at the AGM / End of Season Social and therefore available for anyone to have a “nip” from until it is consumed on that day – It is not mandatory for it to be consumed each day.

It is not compulsory to have the PRSEPHF at any other WHVGS event, but the PRSKPHF can be utilised at any event (WHVGS related or otherwise), that the current holder sees fit. It is also the responsibility of the Holder’s to get the back engraved with winner’s name and the year, this will not be retrospective for 2010 – because the PRSEPHF was not in circulation in 2010.

D Baxter

WHV Society collective score of 20 under the card.

Tasty bit of grub

Onto the course

Presentations in the sweatbox, by a particularly effete looking sponsor, and the cheesiest winner since the last time Doug won something.

The latest treasure in our society

Finally, a grown man needs help with a bottle of cider and a pint glass.

After Mike’s spawny victory in the skins, he retired to the Vaults for a few jars. I returned to the bosom of my young family, anticipating an evening relaxing at home. However, Mrs Donk had bumped into Mrs Bacon in Touchwood earlier in the day and they’d determined that a visit to Bacon Towers was in order for the evening. Mike had just lost his dad and is very fond of playing with Little Donk, plus is such a useless bloke that his wife wanted me to take some “Before” shots of their house as they begin their Grand Designs remodel. Plus, like, we’re friends and stuff.

So, at around 7pm, we arrive at Bacon’s. Mrs Bacon tells me that Mike is at the boozer, but has said he’d be home soon for his dinner. We then descend into farce – with several calls to Mrs B from the boys at the vaults, being lead by Noz, in his cups. The Captain and Millers were also present. They demanded that I join them to toast Mike’s great victory at the skins. Now, I witnessed this greatness – his four skins (fnar) came from a peach of an iron shot in the driving rain that took him several attempts to get away as he gayed it up in the wind and rain. The next two skins were long drive ones – the first by about 4 feet from me and Milko, and the last was a shinned drive that he wouldn’t have noted without me pointing it out to him once we got to the green. Not the fabulous roll to home from the Presidents, just a bit lucky for once – good for him, but not really based on great golf! So I decided to spend time with the boy, the ladies and taking pictures of Mike’s house, as a favour, before it got dark.

Finally, Mike arrived home and presented me with two bits of paper, no doubt demanded from the barkeep by Little Prince Noz. Emboldened by beer, comfortable in familiar surroundings and egged on by his cronies. Noz failed to register that he was entering the 12th hour of his pregnant wife’s birthday away from her.  This was not a notified WHV Job, just an ad hoc beer or two.

I’ve just noticed that this note is signed by Noz, Cap’n and Mike! Also by Millers, Conceptman – who doesn’t know what he’s doing at the best of times.

Now when I then drove round to pick up the chinese, we popped into the vaults to find Noz, Millers and Pete sat there. Relatively merry, slightly abusive in their greeting for me, but when prompted, Noz responded that he was about to go get his own chinese for when his wife picked him up. Millers looked to becoming more and more aware that continuing to drink and not be at home with around 12 hours until he went on holiday was not the greatest idea, but it’s Millers. And Pete was, well, Pete. After the note, I expected to be hoisted by own petard, not the rather sheepish reception that actually occurred. Object lesson here in confronting ‘bullies’, and in locking this stuff away for next season when Noz will join me and Aust and the TD as new dads who find spending time with their kids more diverting than the Vaults – hopefully so for his daughter’s sake.

We’re out for dinner with the Spittles and Bacons tonight – posh Michelin star stuff in Edgbaston to commemorate my recent milestone birthday. I’m bound to get Noz-buse, again – witness the Jug weekend last year where I was accused of nursing a handicap on Friday by blobbing two holes on the toughest course we’ve ever played, only to see him do the same and much much worse on Sunday. I suspect he might have jumped the gun again, and pretty soon, I’ll be in a position to point out where he puts his family before a beer.

Will Noz ever stop calling people out for perceived slights? He’s not on the board any more, he’s not winning anything and pretty soon he’ll have to give the green jacket and the coveted OoM Three Wood to the next incumbent, he’ll join the rest of us ‘ordinary’ members of the WHV where there is no power or elevated status!

From your erstwhile Player’s Representative…

The next event on the tour is fast approaching – the 2010 Players Rep Skins.

Here is the list of current subscribers, if your names not on the list please confirm asap as I need to sort the numbers out by this Wednesday.

Venue: Stonebridge
Bacon Sandwich/Coffee: 9.00am
Tee Times: From 10.00am
Cost: £35.00 all inclusive
Buggies: Available at £15 on the day
Confirmed entrants: The Players Rep, The President, The Captain, The TD, The Web Donk, Coops, Bruce, Bacon, Aust, Ads, Pal O Onions
Cheers
PR

For a quick refresher on the format for the Skins – https://whvgolf.com/2010/03/29/whv-skins-get-on/

Ron handily provided the Skins instructions in pdf format – I don’t really support files on the site, but you can read the rules in their original state here.

Event Details
– Saturday 14th August
– Entry Fee @ 10 Lads Per Boy
– Venue (TBC)
– There Are 26 Skins Available as follows:
– Each hole is worth 1 (x18)
– Each par 3 nearest the pin is worth 1 (x4)
– Each longest drive is worth 1 (x4)
– Potential ‘Pot Sweetener’ from The Players Rep to bulk up the prize fund 
 

Prize Fund Breakdown
– 16 Lads extracted for the 8 nearest pins/longest drives (2 Lads Each)
– Remaining prize fund divided by 18 for the amount awarded for each skin. If only 1 skin is won then all of the prize fund for the 18 skins will go to that player. If 4 skins are won (LOL) then the monies aside for the 18 hole skins will be divided by 4 and each player will win that amount.

How It Works
 
The longest drive and nearest the pin skins are straight forward. The winning of each hole is a little more complex – worked out as follows: 

The nett scores from every player will be viewed at the end of the round (there is no need for players to complete a stableforth score or even finish a hole if they know they cannot match or beat the score of a playing partner – should help speed of play), a player must win the hole outright in order to receive a skin. If 2 or more players have the lowest score any hole, the hole will not be won and no skins will be awarded. 
 
It is actually possible that only a few players will win skins (outside of the nearest pin / longest drive skins) it is also possible that none of the 18 skins will be won – unlikely though. 
 
This format and game definitely favours the players who receive more than 1 shot on several holes, more than 1 nett eagle on a particular hole is of course unlikely, and therefore would almost definitely win a skin. 

WHVGS Ranking Points
 
I believe that the WHVGS minor points scoring system in accordance with T2.2 will work if the board will accept total number of skins replacing stableforth points to decide winner, runner up etc. 
 

A Little Extra From The Players Rep
 
I will be adding a further spot prize ‘A Round With Ron & Coops’ to be played at Ladbrook Park, courtesy of the Players Rep. The winner of this spot prize can also choose a partner – must be a member of WHVGS, to make up a fourball. (As and when this occurs we may offer this date, obviously at least a week prior, for a potential WHVGS Minor). Details of
how the spot prize will be awarded will be sorted out nearer the time – it may well be to the discretion of The Players Rep. 

If you want to enter the Inaugural Skins Event – email the Players Rep now: arran@brownandcooper.co.uk
 . (Ron, count me in)

As the reporting member of the society, I currently have NO IDEA how this skins thing will work, or how I will report it – I’ll have to look up how they report the Vegas skins on the PGA tour and stuff. It’s not clear to me if the WHV skins roll-over, hole-by-hole, like they do in professional golf…