Jurg
Donk
Juice
TD
Woolly
Nelly
Big Nelly
Millers
Magnum
Noz
Bacon

Nein
Pres

???
Aust, Rob, Pete, Jimenez, Ads, Ronno etc.

All,

After the excitement, and sheer golfing wonderland we experienced in Kent last week, it is my duty to bring things back down to earth and invite all members of the society to witness Boycie squeezed into the green jacket – without a WHV shirt – at the golfing swan song of 2014, the Spoonholder’s Salver.

This year, unless we get unprecedented levels of entry (and I wouldn’t put it beyond Millers and Boycie to introduce a dozen darting ringers to pad the field out), the Salver will not affect the final OoM standings, but it should be a very nice knock round a ‘championship resort course’ designed for year round play.

I’ve booked a number of tee times at the Abbey Hotel in Redditch – a track we used for the inaugural Captain’s Matchplay in 2010 – and for the reasonable price of £35 you will get 18 holes and a bacon roll (plus 5 lads towards the prizes and scrapeage). We’ll be teeing off at 10.30am, so should easily be finished by half past three, for those people with parental duties at the traditional Arden Fireworks later that evening. Of course, you might choose to avail yourself of the pool and spa facilities at the hotel, or grab a bite to eat on the terrace overlooking the tricky 18th, your time is your own.

Because the weather deprived us of our curtain raising three club Spittle Shield – which is always great fun – as the sponsor I would like to propose that we try a different stroke play format for the Salver this year – a Modified Stapleforth, similar to the system used at the Barracuda Event on the PGA tour (the one the no-marks play when we’re hosting the Open). Intended to reward brave play, and not punish a golfer for messing up a hole or two, so;

Net albatross = 12 points – not 5

Net eagle = 8 points – not 4

Net birdie = 4 points – not 3

Net par = 2 points 

Net bogie = 1 point

Net double = 1/2 a point – not nil

Net triple or worse = blob

I am also proposing that, similar to the skins or the match play, this event will only affect the handicap of the winner – as we are deviating from standard Stapleforth. Of course, if someone absolutely murders the field and the course, then our informal handicapping committee will take this under review in the off season.

So, if you want to join us to see out the golfing year, let me know and I’ll add you to the list of entrants.

Good luck to him, but that is 3 or 4 rounds over 40 points in a single tour year!

Here’s his report:

The inaugural Spoon Holder’s Salver was held on Saturday 5 November on the Derby Course at The Belfry and as I had won the 2010 WHVGS Order of Merit, it was my honour to organise and host the day. The final event of the 2011 WHVGS Tour had been spiced up by Bruce winning the Claret Jug 2 weeks before after 2 great rounds at Celtic Manor. Bruce’s win now meant that the 2011 Order of Merit was a straight shoot out between the holder of the WHV Green Jacket and myself. And what spiced it up even further was that the eventual winner would be the first WHV’er to win 2 Order of Merits and therefore the first to have 2 stars on their shirt.

Skin Tight Muscle Queen

A nice traditional view of a woman's role in Golf. Prominently displayed at the Belfry

As normal, the day started with bacon sarnies. After an initial hope that we would be able to help ourselves to the bacon and put as much as we wanted in our baps, we were rudely interrupted by the breakfast waitress who insisted on helping us and thereby only allowing the normal 2 rashers. This led to serious disappointment amongst us all as the potential bread to bacon ratio was being seriously reduced before our eyes. On the plus side the waitress did “cop a feel” of Greggers’ pecs through his newly purchased camp muscle shirt, not that she had much say in the matter. You’ll all be glad to hear that he kept his “boy” to himself.

Relaxed

Free coursplanners were a nice touch

A Very Shiny Trophy

Even with the thought of a head to head with Bruce for our second OoM stars, I was feeling very relaxed about the day’s golf and the weather only helped with this. While it was a bit chilly and required me to wear my lucky woolly hat, the sun was bright and there was no wind or rain to greet us. The picking of groups for the day went ahead while we waited for the bus to take us to the first tee and balls landed well for me as I was placed with Ron and Web Donk in the first threesome. Bruce was placed in the final four-ball and we were then bussed off to the first tee.

Waiting for the Bus

Could You Guess That The Group Ball Toss is actually behind his head?

On his way to over 40 points, again

Pole Position, but Bruce never came close

My first tee shot of the day was pretty good and relatively straight up the middle of the fairway. This bode well for me for the rest of the round and so it turned out. The front nine on the Derby has 2 holes that involve you playing from underneath electricity pylons. Now I know the Government tells us that these are perfectly safe and not at all cancer-causing, but I’m not totally convinced and the way my clubs seemed to be vibrating very loudly as I walked down the fairway underneath the pylons, I’m not sure they were convinced either. That said, it didn’t seem to affect my golf too much, which was progressing well and I felt I was clawing back some of my form from the start of the season.

Unfortunately, the same can’t be said for some of my fellow WHV’ers. While I didn’t witness the following events myself, it seems only right that they should be shared with the wider world. First up we have Millers, happily on the 5th green for 3, which was a nett 1. All sounds OK so far. Unfortunately 6 putts later Millers was a broken man and left the hole with nein points. Secondly we have Nozzer and his amazing flying clubs. So hard were they thrown that both the shaft of his sand wedge and the leg of his bag are now permanently bent. That’s a lot of pent-up frustration if I’ve ever seen it. Finally we have the TD, who once again apparently became entranced by some local shell fish/molluscs. I’m reliably informed that the TD became fascinated by the presence of thousands of “full hammer” fresh water mussels, whilst playing out of a lake…I do think the lake was pretty much dry.

Back to the proper golf that was taking place. After nine holes I was on 21 points and could feel myself starting to feel far more relaxed about the Order of Merit. I should also say that during the front 9 we had the nearest the pin on the 7th which was eventually won by Campo and the nearest the pin in two (The Bacon Wash-Up) on the 9th which was won by Ron.

The back nine continued in the much same vein for me. My drives were going relatively straight and on the whole where I wanted them to go. My irons and putting were also working well as were my bunker escapes and I was therefore also scoring well. So well in fact that I scored 22 points on the back 9 to give me a final total of 43 points. As I was in the first group out, I had to wait for about 30 minutes to see how everyone else had done. As the other groups arrived back at the clubhouse it became apparent that no one had bettered my 43 points and I was consequently crowned as winner of the 2011 Spoon Holder’s Salver. More importantly, I was also announced as winner of the 2011 Order of Merit and had thereby successfully defended my 2010 Order of Merit. During the back 9 we also had the Longest Drive competition on the 18th and the “Big Dog” was once again won by Ron. Unfortunately, I can’t actually say that the ‘Big Dog” was received by Ron in the clubhouse, as no-one seemed to know where it actually was, especially the previous holder, who should of course have known very well where it was. I’m not one for starting rumours, but I imagine that person may be in a bit of trouble.

Ron finished the tour with a 320 Yard Drive, a Shank and then took 4 to get down. He'll be off 3 next year.

Just before the horseshoe on the hole

Holing out to defend the Order of Merit title

Overall, it proved to be an excellent day for everyone and especially for myself. The weather was sunny and chilly, the course was in excellent condition for the time of year, the bacon-related prizes were well received and I walked away with the Spoon Holder’s Salver and another star for my prized WHVGS shirt. As Ice Cube once said, “…today was a good day”.

Winning his own salver

I Don't Know Why Mike Was Presenting the Non-Existent Big Dog to Ron

Ron Won the Big Bacon Washup (Can you spot the interloper?)

The Shark Winters with Campo for the second year in a row

Finally, the official payouts of the event were as follows: 1st with 43 Points and winning £20 was Bacon, 2nd with 38 Points and winning £10 was The President. The Big Dog and £5 went to Ron, the Shark and £5 went to Campo and the Bacon Wash-Up (Bacon-flavoured Toothpaste and Soap) for nearest the pin in 2 went to Ron.

Many congratulations to all the winners and see you all at the WHV Christmas Doo.

Bacon.

P.S. Our beloved TD has asked me to point out the following, “Baxter only came 2nd on count back and he came about 2mm away from missing the ball off the tee with a driver on the back nine…oh and he also finished behind me in the Oom.”

Noz Gets His Burger On

The Pizza Oven saw some business, even at silly prices - this is a New York Deli

Get In Millers

Muscle Mary Returns

Pal O appears to be sexting some 21 year old

Clicky to see biggy and slidey showey

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