Do you think he’s just been, or is about to go for a massive poo? 

I’m not sure he has a guide for how you should reveal yourself if you take a Doily Pot. Or indeed flex a single defiant calf at the members who have allowed you onto their glorious course.

How to Take Your Shirt Off

I have some very revealing images of a certain individual… Website or Calendar?

Q: How did winning your first major in 5 years feel? Did the little Gibbon get a bit of blood flow in him?

I prefer to think of it as winning my second major – time is a relative concept – being a winner is timeless.

Q: Having played with you a number of times when you’re in contention, or even winning, were you aware that you were putting together a victory round in a key major? Not having seen the card I don’t know if you finished with a charge or with a whimper. Did you nearly blow the horn? Was there a massive amount of celebration, and did it include the removal of items of clothing?

If I’m honest, I was disappointed with my back 9 although this was more to do with not knowing the course than being a girl. I genuinely thought that Pete had carded 39 points when I finished so I was actually pleasantly surprised to have been victorious. As noted in my report, my attempt at blowing the horn in victory resembled a poor attempt at blowing up a hot water bottle.

Q: How much do you think this win came down to you turning the corner with your golf to get back amongst the challengers, and how much to a slightly elevated handicap? Personally, whvgolf.com thinks you should be in the group with Millers, Donk and Juice (and Aust if we ever see him again) – half decent but inconsistent, rather than with the proper golfers like Ron or Campo, or even the Idiot, or the Wild Things like Doug, Curt or Pedro (I’m not sure where Bacon and Noz fit in except in a mutual antagonism class of their own). You hit a good drive and as sweet a three iron as anyone and can hole a monster putt – was that what was happening at the Horn?

Bit of both – to be fair, the current handicapping system is working very well and allows anybody to score well on their day. Forget any other comparisons, it’s all about me versus Baxter every time.

Q: Do you think you’ve peaked too early by contending at the Skins, Brissle and Captains? Are you going to press on and take advantage of your handicap advantage and wear Yellow all the way to the AGM? Who looks like your major opposition?

I plan to play badly for the rest of the season before romping home at the Jug and winning the Tour. I also then plan to win the end of season sporting event. My only opposition is the several other sides to my personality.

Q: Where would you take the Tour if your form holds and you don’t drink yourself out of winning the Jug?

Vegas.

Q: Finally, how are you finding the challenge of running GambleGibbon? Previous tour bookies were either mathematical geniuses, or inveterate gamblers, and generally covered their risks, a concept that seems to take a back seat to the lure of getting another fiver staked by offering some generous or ridiculous odds. Do you see yourself running this service for longer than PedroPower or BetRon? What prices are you offering for the Presidents Classic? And have you got some view of the OoM yet?

Running GambleGibbon is just another hurdle to clear on the way to victory this year. I plan that GambleGibbon will make a fortune this year.

Presidents

Pres 7/1

Noz 13/2

Butters 6/1

Proff 10/1

Bruce 5/1

TD 1/2

Wooly 13/2

Miller 6/1

Donk 6/1

Curt 7/1

Aust 13/2

Tour Director gets the horn…

The sun shone on the fourth event of the WHVGS year, the eagerly anticipated first major tournament of the season.

Fresh from a trip to even sunnier climes, as attested by the orange hue to his complexion, the Tour Director was feeling calm and relaxed – for several short seconds until it transpired that, following his absence for only slightly longer than a week, there were reports of Board resignations.

Despite the initial ‘buy your own breakfast at the services’ suggestion, once the society assembled at the Clubhouse, the Idiot Hall proved that he had surpassed himself with the choice of venue. He also provided a new society asset in the form of the Antique Green Bristol bottle, had organised a 9-hole warm up event with ‘Sportball’ format, had sorted the food and drink and even popped his credit card behind the bar to encourage extortionate expenditure, which immediately prompted close scrutiny of the champagne list.

With the ‘half-minor’ morning event completed, the players were buoyed by the arrival of Nozzle who had arrived from delays in deepest Wales linked to very complicate dental childcare issues – thankfully the prognosis was now sufficiently good to allow him to continue his impressive attendance record on the WHVGS tour.

Ten hearty souls were split into 2 threeballs and a fourball and play began, with the only evident howler being the Idiot who, having selected an iron for his first tee shot proceeded to shank it sideways into the right hand copse – the golfing gods however chose to smile as the ball bounced back into play…and the game was on…

The leading threeball made good ground although the middle group were not making such good progress and often left the trailing fourball wondering what the devil they were doing, although it later transpired that the almost evangelical Milmore had been imparting some golfing wisdom…between sauntering back down the fairway to play replacement balls.

The final group contained 3 players who have seen their handicaps rise significantly as part of the enhanced handicapping system introduced in the past 18 months and this resulted in some impressive Stapleforth scoring from all involved.

A nearest the pin spot prize was contested on the front nine, which was scooped by Nozzle, earning himself 4 bob and a new cap.

At the turn, the TD had amassed 22 points although the tournament was far from over as the course began to bite back, forcing several non-scoring holes on the back nine. The shark was up for grabs on the back nine and this was claimed by Campo, having played a fine shot to 10 feet to scoop 4 bob, although no shark headcover…

The longest drive had been moved to 18 and this was claimed by some bloke called Dick and had bizarrely been marked by a driver head snapped at mid-shaft to signify the 4 bob winning distance.

The players assembled at the clubhouse to hear the verdict and it was revealed that the TD had triumphed with 38 points to claim the second Major title of his WHVGS career, with the princely sum of £17.50 to be claimed at the AGM. The TD’s acceptance speech consisted entirely of a poor attempted sounding of the Brissle Horn, which resembled somebody trying to blow up a hot water bottle. The TD was also proud to claim the Antique Brissle Green bottle and new cap.

Butters posted 34 points to claim the Runner-up prize of 13 bob and a cap.

The presentations were finished by the payment of 5 bob to the President and 10 bob to the society by the Idiot for losing the Matsuyama bet on the US Masters.

In a linked but separate matter, GambleGibbon also recorded a post-event profit of 15 bob.

Full results:

Oh, and Rob provided a video too – I’ll upload it once it’s gone through YouTube.

They are both a bit disturbing. One is of our President. One is of our Tour Director.

One seemingly depicts a lunatic, the other is the epitome of a modern successful man of business.

Much as one might expect, but for the twist.

Here is the businessman

(Being a massive narcissist, this is now his seventeenth facebook profile picture since the Celtic Claret)

Here is the scary one – clicky for biggy if you dare

He got upset with a Japanese tourist who started doing acrobatics in front of him.

This is the big time Xmas attraction laid on for Christmas Shoppers in Stratford. But at least it had a little more glamour than the Winter Wonderland we got to see the week after – 2 reindeers and no Santa with a few bales of hay and some crowd barriers. Simply magical.

Don’t recognise the other chap.

All pictures by the Web Donk – clickum for biggum

It's not a weekend without seeing the TD in his pants on the course

Class shines through as the TD returns to winning ways

The TD reigned triumphant over a quality field in the 2011 WHVGS Amy Austin championship.

The players, comprising Messrs Brown, Bennett, Harrison, Baxter, Austin, Allsop, Spittle, Milmore, Compton, Ash, Hopkin and the Champion elect, assembled in the fine facilities of the Celtic Manor Resort on the morning of Friday 14^th October.

Players seemed to have undertaken varying levels of preparation, with several arriving sufficiently early to relax, eat breakfast and store cheese, whilst others arrived hungry and very irritable…Nozzer.

Cracking Breakfast, but not cheap!

Having been deposited at the Montgomerie course in style, the players gathered on the 1^st tee to begin the customary banter with the course starter…who prattled on about several insignificant matters before omitting to mention that winter rules were in operation…nice work.

The Montgomerie could be described as having spectacular views, with dramatic tee shots over valleys and breathtaking downhill shots. Two long par fives, a number of short par fours and several testing par threes, which all add up to an exciting and rewarding challenge. After the event, the TD was simply heard to describe it as “A true test of quality golfing talent”.

TD missed this tight fairway twice with boxfresh Pro V1's

Nice view of the 2010 from the Montgomerie on Friday

Several bets had been placed with BETRON prior to the first ball being struck, including what seemed to have been an audacious punt from inveterate gambler Ash, who had lumped heavily on himself. One can only imagine how confident the Captain would have been on receiving that particular stake…although he was looking particularly Ashen faced (Ashen faced, geddit ?) when the most unorthodox swing on the WHVGS Tour – in fact, the most unorthodox swing on most tours you could imagine – notched up 24 stapleforth points on the front 9.

The TD, who had been reminded by the Web Donkey that he currently occupied the longest break between winning events, was playing some very steady golf although in a very casual manner – choosing to select his next club immediately after driving and then jogging to his ball – often to find that he had selected a less than appropriate club, but playing the shot anyway.

The relaxed approach was however paying dividends and 2 solid shots and a ridiculously long putt resulted in a 3 net 1 for a net albatross and 5 points on one particular test of true golfing talent.

Celebrating a long, long, long putt for a five pointer

Quite a tough drive at the 16th

TD Connects Sweetly

Juice heads for the rubbish

The other members of the TD grouping were also similarly relaxed, being convinced that Peter had continued his fine form and taken Ronnie to the cleaners. All played ridiculous tiger-line drives up 18, before getting to the green to discover that the TD was actually in contention, with 2 putts for 36 points to win on countback.

There was a significant devil sat on the TD’s shoulder urging him to knock his first putt 30 yards down the fairway just to see the look on Ronnie’s face although sanity returned before putting to take the honours.

On securing 2^nd place, Peter gained a return from BETRON although the Captain delighted in telling the assembled masses the various amounts of money which Ash had turned down as offers to settle the bet prior to the end of the round.

The Big Dog was taken by Ronald and the Shark by Bacon Bonce.

The prizes awarded were as follows and a very healthy £85 was retained for the WHVGS coffers…much to the delight of Mr Milmore, who was later further incensed by the practice of ‘scraping’ an additional £20 of sustainable funding from the post-event meal kitty.

1^st prize – £15 and the Amy Ozzle Trophy (to include a retraction of such a trophy being referred to as a gimp).

2^nd prize – £10 and a slightly wounded pride at having only scored 12 points on the back 9.

Dog – £5 and the Dog headcover.

Shark – £5 and the Shark headcover.

The TD

October 2011

Not for the first time – in fact for the 2nd of 3 events in a row, Mike squeaks a crucial place and absolutely critical RPs on countback. After the CJ shakeout, without this countback, he could have had 15 points less and be within the grasp of Ron and Aust at the season ending event, rather than just Juice. Good Grindin’ it out Mike, again…

Memories of the Amy Evening from DonkCam

An eventful affair moving from Gourmet Gastropub full of a local wake and the cheapest puddings known to man, through the dark and winding streets to a boozer that looked “too hard” for some of the members, despite being identified as the only one offering the requisite pool table and jukebox combo for the Amy Evening, some of us even made it on to a local Lock In boozer for some arrows and worrying discussion with some morally ambiguous senior citizens who were probably waiting for us to leave before stripping down to their S&M gear.

Gourmet Boozerage

Guns are pumped - girls ignored them

We didn't have a massive amount of space

Pres cheeses up his dinner - Moules to start

Pres and Pheasant (I think)

Crumble

Cider drizzled scotch egg = wicked indigestion

Campo did his duty with his stein

Different approach to burgering

Degenerates were gambling before pudding arrived

She did a good job of selling, not such a good job of adding up a bill

Frisky

Millers and his questionable shoe and sock combo

Millers in a 3D shirt

Juice ordered a White Wine, disappeared at 10pm and Won the Jug.

Pool, Booze and Jukebox - essential Amy Evening Ingredients

Spillage

Darts at the Swingers Lock In

1.15AM and Noz is trying to tempt the Welshies with his belly

Safe to say that the outbound journey was less rambunctious than the Rattler’d return journey.

“Watch out for his HEART!” – bless

Enjoying his extra dessert "To Go"

Dear Members

Firstly, I am delighted to announce that 2 of our erstwhile Members have just won Ladbrook Park’s most prestigious annual Pairs competition and the WHVGS Skins sponsors Messrs Brown & Cooper will soon have their combined names up in the Club house – Superb!

Bacon – be warned the OoM is not in the bag yet, because I doubt the Players Rep was playing off plus 4 today!

Members NB – This is your final pre-CJ warning – Please remember to bring the appropriate, assorted, WHVGS essentials currently in your possession – its a long drive back and I understand that at least one member is due in the “WHVGS Court” at some stage over the weekend – I have personally experienced the wrath of these court sessions before and they can be brutal….

Not long til the Amy

The Pres

The TD added the following:

Good work PR & Coops.

Can I also remind all Dartmouth bound members to ensure that, as well as the considerable budget planning which they will need to be considering around the purchase of many pints of Rattler, Proper Job & Tribute (not to mention Dartmouth or Motown Boltons), that they need to factor in the competition entry fees for the AA & CJ – notably the 20 bob entry fee for the latter – bargain.

Not long till myself and Aust travel down the M5 with a 5 foot copper horn in full resplendent view in the back of the motor.