A comment about the small pro shop caught my eye – apparently refreshments are not well stocked and at hotel prices, so a Tesco run for water, bananas and mars bars might be in order. A profit could be turned by an entrepreneurial member looking to establish a car boot tuck shop.

Back to national grid strategic security planning….

Here is the match report for our three time CJ victor. Bruce has done a fair job, but nothing ever approaches the level of loving detail that Dougal likes to include when reliving his triumphs in the Big One.

WHV Golf Society 2011 Claret Jug Entrants

To supplement the words, I’ve included some pictures of the weekend (still considering if YouTube will host raunchy videos), and some of the performance tables. A number of members might need to consider where they dropped points over the weekend – strangely low point accumulation on the par 5s from some of the society “Big Boys” and the gang of “2 Point Pirates” on the Par Fives.

Bruce’s Report – all Spelling is the author’s own

15^th – 16^th October 2011 WHV Claret Jug at Celtic Manor

Attendances:-  Pres, TD, Ron, Juice, Campo, Aust, Bacon, Donk, Noz, Millers, Idiot, Prof & Hugh

Firstly I would like to thank last year’s winner and President, Dougal Baxter for an amazing choice of venue and excellent organisation of this event.  I think I can speak for all 13 members who attended that it was a very successful weekend and that we were privileged to play 3 great courses (1 for the Amy Austin).

1^st round – Twenty Ten course

Chilling whilst Wales Failed

The 1^st round of the CJ  kicked off in style with Wales getting a man sent off in the Rugby World cup semi final for a blatant spear tackle (although our Welsh hosts and Members did not see it quite like that…) a tour of the 2010 club house and the use of the locker room which the European Ryder cup team had used. Our President had organised for all members to have a personalised locker next to one of the Ryder cup players. I was lucky enough to be put next to Rory McIlroy’s locker, which must have been an omen. We were then taken by bus to the 1^st tee and practice area. This might be the first time in the history of the CJ that we have ever warmed up before trying to hit a pearl of a drive down the middle of the fairway.

Personal lockers were a classy touch

Grandfather of Ibiza in Grandad Jumper

New Dad, New Job Title, But Only 15 points on Day One

Casually waiting for the group shot

Having a proper warm up

All to play for on Saturday Morning

I was going to add a superb picture here of all the members standing on the 1^st tee with the original Ryder Cup signage  in the back ground but some joker ruined the photo!!

The balls were thrown up, the groups decided with a random American joining the last group and at last the 2011 CJ started. (The week before the random American had been round Wentworth with Ernie Els, so god knows of what he thought of his round with the TD….)

Overall I know everyone really enjoyed playing the 2010 course, it certainly was very challenging as there seemed to be bunkers or water anywhere you hit the ball. Which meant scoring was going to be hard, but not impossible. Campo hit 22 on the front 9 and if it wasn’t for him exploding on the last 4 holes he would have been the club house leader, that honour went to me with 38 points. I was lucky enough to have found some form at last or it was leaving the pub early on the Friday whilst everyone else got hammered, I’m not sure?

Not a bad looking track, the 2010. Quiet too.

I can’t talk about everyone’s round but my shot of the Day was from the Prof hitting a 3 wood 220 yards out of a bunker, and he called it. That was closely forward by his 3^rd short at the 18^th, he was in the rough with a bad lie and managed to hit it 180 yards over water and land it 2 foot from the pin. Brilliant shot even if he didn’t know he had done it until he got on the green.

Watching the boys come home

Unnecessary stressing about the tee times for Sunday

So after the first round the prizes went to:-

Juice                            Club House Leader                 38 points

Web Donk                   Big Dog – longest drive

President                     Shark – nearest the pin

After a memorable round it was back to the club house, were we where each presented with a marvellous named metal bag tag / medal to help us remember our 2010 experience and then back to the hotel  to change for our evening at the local pub and curry house. The highlights have the bloke crying out side the bogs because his mates had got him a stripper and Noz being the gentleman that he is and taking his seat, our President not drinking (although it didn’t help his form much), the club house leader having the extendable fork “stolen”, Aust shouting at the TD, Noz and Butters having a row about bullying and most of the members ordering tea and coffee at midnight. Who said we are getting old?

Evening Photos

Organised as ever

On the way for the Saturday Evening festivities

Millers Footwear Again

Members looking non-plussed at pool action on 2 nights running

Somehow Rob and Ron end up in prime stripper watching position

But not as prime as Noz, who did the decent thing and rescued the naked lady from having no-one to peform for

Waiting outside our curry venue, and boy, did we have to wait

Eating late, and then Bruce has to use the Extend-a-Fork (RIP)

Sharing Forkage with the Captain

For some reason, Rob had found a porcelain phallus, and brought it with him

Port Cock is Born

TD looking particularly demonic as he accepts the gimp trophy

And so begins the reading of the indictment sheet. It went on a bit.

Look how much Campo loves the TD

Presenting the Nicklaus Fiver to the Society

A new artefact for our treasure trove

Bruce ordered some form of kebab that was 90% grilled onion

Pete knows to bring a mopping rag with him when handling a wang

Mike gets the helmet in

Aust is more circumspect

Noz lovingly cups the Japs Eye

Back to Bruce’s Match Report…

2^nd round – Roman Road Course

Every Inch the Golfer at Leisure

So Close to the Fabled 'Full House'

Warming Up in the Sunshine

First Ever Shark and Third Six Pound Argyll of the Weekend

So to the final round, this was going to be an interesting day with at least 7 members in with a chance of winning. We all set off with clean clubs and the chance of becoming the 2011 CJ winner. The final group was Me, Campo, Donk & TD with me having a 3 point lead over Campo.

Pres sprays another drive off the first - just on the edge of the frame

Millers gets going

Huge seemed to have a better round on Sunday

Aust starts a charge

Ron places at the Jug again

On the way to keep the lead for most of the day

It was always going to be decided by whoever could hold their nerve and both myself and Campo found the first few holes a struggle, especially as we heard that Aust was on a charge. Luckily for us it didn’t last long and by the 9^th it was clear that it was between myself and Campo. By this stage he had got to within 1 point, it was going to be a very tight finish.

After the 13th Campo had taken a 1 point lead and I was thinking 2^nd wasn’t a bad result, especially as my drive on the 14^th followed Campo’s drive into the water!! He then knocked his drop onto the green and mine ended up in the water again and I ended up 2 points down. Surely it was all over?

But on the very next hole the pressure of leading the CJ can get to anyone and Campo’s next tee shot found the stream and I was able to snatch a point back and by the 16^th I had edged back into the lead. An out of bounds drive on the 17^th by Campo meant he had to score four points on the 18^th to win. I managed to keep my nerve and won my 3^rd CJ and the honour of wearing the Green Jacket for the 2^nd time and organising next year’s CJ

A special note should go to those Members backed themselves on the Celtic Manor Par 3 Challenge holes and particularly those who won free rounds – Ron (on both Saturday and Sunday), the Idiot and Baxter (Sunday).

The final scores where:-

Juice                2011 Claret Jug Winner          71 points

Campo             Runner up                               67 points

Ron                 3^rd Place                                   61 points

Noz                 Sunday Best                            35 points

Aust                King of the par 3s

Juice                King of the par 3s

Idiot                Sunday Shark – nearest the pin

Ron                 Sunday Hulk and Big Dog – (easily) the longest drive

Waiting for the prizes

Rob Sharks

Happy winner and Happy Pres

Impromptu Car Park Cheese Board

There was some cracking cheese available for the late departers

Not clear if the punishment has been served as only a minority of members partook of the cheese

Performance for the Weekend

2011 Claret Jug

2011 Prizes

2011 CJ King of Threes

2011 CJ King of Fives

The Chase for the 2011 Claret Jug

You know he’s not going to be as ‘forgetful’ with that as Noz occasionally was.

I drove the Pres home – the Claret Jug did not leave his grasp for the 3 hours it took us to get to Solihull

Noz has announced the details of the WHV Open 2010 (and by extension, the Amy Austin)

Dear All,
 
As you know the Claret Jug is due to take place over the weekend of the October 8th / 9th and as last years winner I have the honour of organising this year’s event. I want to try and secure a booking reasonably soon.
 
The venue will be the Dartmouth Golf and Country Club.
 
http://www.dgcc.co.uk/
 
The Amy Austin will probably take place at Churston, which has Ray Reardon as the club President
 
http://www.churstongolf.com/book.html

As of the time of writing, the member participation stands at

Amy Austin + WHV Open Weekend – Noz, Bacon, Pres, Pedro, Bruce, Aust, Web Donk, Ron, Ads, Coops

Just the WHV Open Weekend – Campo, Idiot

TD is playing all the golf, but not doing the Friday job

His golf the next day was incredible in light of this level of gentlemanly inebriation

From a personal perspective I was extremely happy with my preparation for the Claret Jug, 6 pints of Rattler, numerous lagers, the odd shot of sambuca and a 3am finish is the perfect set up for such an important event. Those that missed the Amy Austin arrived in plenty of time, but were at a slight disadvantage having not played the Nicklaus course on the previous day. This didn’t seem to matter as two of the final group came from the four who arrived on the Saturday, maybe the rattler isn’t a good way to prepare after all?

The Saturday round was tough, the course was excellent but difficult and the strong winds didn’t help either. My abiding recollection is Pedro getting himself up and down after plonking one in the water to score 2 points on the last, the way he punched the air suggested that he may even be trying for this round, which is unusual. My group all played averagely well, no-one set the course on fire like Simon had on the previous day for the AA. I was pleased to come away from the round with a small 2 point lead over my main competitor for the OOM to take into day 2. Point to note is that Rob only scored 15 points, and unless a minor is played over the next month and a half, he has managed to finish below Pedro in the OOM standings, what a pathetic loser. I was also delighted to see Pedro win nearest the pin, which I believe is the 2nd time he has won this, the first time I seem to remember he did it with a broken thumb. Ron managed to retain the hulk, mainly because the bigger hitters like myself didn’t hit the fairway.

The preparation for the Sunday round on the slightly easier Kernow course was similar to that on the Friday, only the rattler was replaced by lager and 20 year old tawny. Numerous deserved punishments were handed out on the evening, rightly, the web donkey was punished for protecting his handicap on the final 2 holes of the AA, Baxter was punished for disrespecting the Green Jacket and Coops and Pedro drank their Motown St Mellion, one more happily than the other. The only miscarriage of justice was the port fining of myself for the trumped up charge of bullying, which actually consisted of trying to ensure other members of the society abided by the constitution and avoided slow play.

I don’t think I’ll ever forget the unusual behaviour of Paul Milmore once we got to the private Nicklaus room, he spent the time, running around the table, spitting chewed up crackers into the air, kissing whoever he was sat next to and then donned a cape for no reason. Adam eventually did the decent thing and sent him to bed. Aust and Bruce continued the debate as to who was in the wrong when Aust played Bruces ball and Bruce played Austs ball on the 17th of the now infamous Captains cup debacle. To me its reasonably simple, they both played the wrong ball and therefore both received a 2 shot penalty, it didn’t change the result and I think its time they both tried to move on.

The Doily Potting went well, the big winner of the evening was Simon winning 2 big pots, I think it was Adam who ended the evening as the biggest loser, winning only his pound back in one pot, I may have this wrong though as a reasonable amount of beer and port had been drunk by this point. I have a slight concern that no minutes were taken from the 4th meeting of the Doily Potters society, and that there may have been a lack of significant celery, but no matter a roaring success all the same

The overall scoring on the Sunday was far better than on the Saturday, reflective of the fact that the Kernow was far easier than the Nicklaus and the conditions were more conducive to quality golf. I played the best golf of my life spurred on by the strong scoring of the others in the group. I cannot begin to describe how utterly delighted I was to win Noz’s hulk on (I think) the 8th. Myself and the hulk have since spent a lot of quality time together, going for beer and curries together and having long chats into the early hours. Brodie is also a big fan and cannot wait for her chance to pull his head and arms off and throw them round the house. Nicola has not yet had a chance to tattoo the hulk with both mine and Onions name, but it will be done before the next society round.

On the day I was also pleased to win, nearest the pin, king of the par threes, clubhouse leader, Sunday Best, the Claret Jug, the OOM and one hundred and five English pounds, unfortunately Simon won the par 5s which prevented a clean sweep.

The weekend itself was a belter from start to finish, so thanks to the ever tireless President for doing the Society proud once again. I’ll see you all at the AGM where, with any luck, we’ll be playing a pool tournament for the coveted red shirt!!!

VOTE NOZ, because RON is a pleb.

Full scores will be on the WHV Open page shortly.

Good work by the Idiotographer.

And so it came to pass that he faced his greatest challenge – Sunday morning of the Claret Jug, playing his nearest rivals, needing to concentrate on a course none of the players had ever seen, alleged to contain horrors such as temporary greens and many holes favouring the evil Troll Aust, who had cleverly managed to make sure he had one of his mighty sleeps the night before the special day.

But little Noz needn’t have worried, his golf remained solid – as he admitted to his playing partners, he now felt like a proper golfer. Whilst he missed the nostalgic days of getting 4 points for scoring par on a short hole, he was loving his Pro V1X’s and all the adulation from his peers.

Playing alongside a rag tag mob of colleagues and enemies, Noz remained suspiciously quiet. Where was the banter and persecution of his #1 rival, the poor Web Donkey? Where was the non-stop chatter with the ever-mercurial Tour Director? How could he not have Nozzed on for hours about the bizarro performance of the Cracker Fountain Kiss Machine Millers the previous night?

Little Noz didn’t do any of this, he let his golf speak for itself. Having witnessed a similar display of magical dreams coming true for the similarly obsessed President in the final group of the previous Jug, the WD knew his fate was not to win the title, and Noz didn’t begin to believe until, after 5 or 6 pars in a row, he watched his closest rival stuff one in the lake on the challenge that was the nearest the pin. At this point, his quiet dignity began to slip a little and the chirping that had threatened the bonhomie of the group after Noz won the coveted Hulk a few holes previously began in earnest. He had knocked one inside of poor bereft titleless, spot prizeless Bacon and was beginning to believe he would soon be crowned the King of WHV Land for the next year. No matter that the WD knocked his provisional to 2 feet, or that Millers pulled out 2 miraculous birdies on the way in, little Noz was going to win.

The quiet dignity slipped and the old Noz began to appear through the cracks. He was understandably excited, but surely this didn’t allow him to go tramping round the course bellowing at other groups whilst his goodly playing partners were in the address position?

Also, it wasn’t until he’d parred the 16th that we told him that every point he was scoring was cutting his playing handicap for the next year. Lo and behold, little Noz, going for the round of his life, came home 7 and 7, blob and blob. Normal golfers would accept this as a little suspicious, but they were tough holes, Noz had already won by 10 shots and surely the man who persecuted another player from the 12th hole of the Amy Austin under suspicion of nursing his score home 7 and 7 having recorded 35 points on the mighty Nicklaus track would never consider committing the same crime he accuses others of?

I will leave my readers to draw their own conclusions. Suffice to say, Little Noz rode home in his carriage that night to show his Queen that he had indeed won the lot and that the Wedding did not need to be called off. Plus he had an extra £105 in his pocket to go towards the grand ball he would be funding as King of WHV.

The End

PS – As I am shortly heading off to Barcelona for a metering conference, it will not be until Friday that I get much chance to post the cards from the weekend. I will make sure that I get my Amy Austin report out on time, and publish some summaries of the Jug Scores, but I want my WHV Open coverage to be exceptional, and I have some good photos and videos to share. I also hear that the masterclass is fantastic.

Kudos to the President for such a good weekend, well done to Noz for all his glorious winnings and for getting himself down from 26 to somewhere near 15 in a single season (I doubt it will stop him chirruping about other players having false handicaps, but hey, he’s never happy if everything is good and he’s not winning), and well done to Ron – his flurry of birdies may have resulted in a Runners Up spot in the Jug, but that also means he’ll be off +1 for the 2010 tour.