Words by the Gibbon, Images by the Dick

Tour Director gets the horn…

The sun shone on the fourth event of the WHVGS year, the eagerly anticipated first major tournament of the season.

Fresh from a trip to even sunnier climes, as attested by the orange hue to his complexion, the Tour Director was feeling calm and relaxed – for several short seconds until it transpired that, following his absence for only slightly longer than a week, there were reports of Board resignations.

Despite the initial ‘buy your own breakfast at the services’ suggestion, once the society assembled at the Clubhouse, the Idiot Hall proved that he had surpassed himself with the choice of venue. He also provided a new society asset in the form of the Antique Green Bristol bottle, had organised a 9-hole warm up event with ‘Sportball’ format, had sorted the food and drink and even popped his credit card behind the bar to encourage extortionate expenditure, which immediately prompted close scrutiny of the champagne list.

With the ‘half-minor’ morning event completed, the players were buoyed by the arrival of Nozzle who had arrived from delays in deepest Wales linked to very complicate dental childcare issues – thankfully the prognosis was now sufficiently good to allow him to continue his impressive attendance record on the WHVGS tour.

Ten hearty souls were split into 2 threeballs and a fourball and play began, with the only evident howler being the Idiot who, having selected an iron for his first tee shot proceeded to shank it sideways into the right hand copse – the golfing gods however chose to smile as the ball bounced back into play…and the game was on…

The leading threeball made good ground although the middle group were not making such good progress and often left the trailing fourball wondering what the devil they were doing, although it later transpired that the almost evangelical Milmore had been imparting some golfing wisdom…between sauntering back down the fairway to play replacement balls.

The final group contained 3 players who have seen their handicaps rise significantly as part of the enhanced handicapping system introduced in the past 18 months and this resulted in some impressive Stapleforth scoring from all involved.

A nearest the pin spot prize was contested on the front nine, which was scooped by Nozzle, earning himself 4 bob and a new cap.

At the turn, the TD had amassed 22 points although the tournament was far from over as the course began to bite back, forcing several non-scoring holes on the back nine. The shark was up for grabs on the back nine and this was claimed by Campo, having played a fine shot to 10 feet to scoop 4 bob, although no shark headcover…

The longest drive had been moved to 18 and this was claimed by some bloke called Dick and had bizarrely been marked by a driver head snapped at mid-shaft to signify the 4 bob winning distance.

The players assembled at the clubhouse to hear the verdict and it was revealed that the TD had triumphed with 38 points to claim the second Major title of his WHVGS career, with the princely sum of £17.50 to be claimed at the AGM. The TD’s acceptance speech consisted entirely of a poor attempted sounding of the Brissle Horn, which resembled somebody trying to blow up a hot water bottle. The TD was also proud to claim the Antique Brissle Green bottle and new cap.

Butters posted 34 points to claim the Runner-up prize of 13 bob and a cap.

The presentations were finished by the payment of 5 bob to the President and 10 bob to the society by the Idiot for losing the Matsuyama bet on the US Masters.

In a linked but separate matter, GambleGibbon also recorded a post-event profit of 15 bob.

Full results:

1. TD 38
2. Butters 34
3.* Nozzle 32
4.* Pres 32
5. Idiot 30
6. Miller 29
7. Ad 28
8.* Campo 26
9.* Juice 26
10. Ash 19
    * countback applied

Oh, and Rob provided a video too – I’ll upload it once it’s gone through YouTube.


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