Match Report : 2017 Captain’s Matchplay

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As provided by Boyce – a man born to wear the Ring


Here is the match report for the Captains Matchplay from Boycie aka Magnum

Attendees:- Chris Gregory (Greggors), Michael Allsopp, Pete Ash (Pedro), Steve Harding (Boycie/Magnum), Simon Harrison (Donk), Paul Millmore,(Millers/Tin-tin), William Spittle (Noz), Martin Currirer (Marty the Cat), Paul Kerr (PK).

The re-arranged date arrived and was still warm but nowhere near as hot as it was the previous week, the originally planned date (thank goodness most thought as we strolled up the lovely picturesque hills of Cleobury Mortimer Golf Club). Everyone arrived nice and early for a lovely full English breakfast and warm cuppa.

We then all headed off to the first tee digesting Donk’s instructions on how to score, and what these first nine holes meant. (This the first time I have actually managed to play in the matchplay as I have always been on holiday) In fact it became clear that the morning 9 holes were just a warm up round to assist in seeding’s for the afternoon rounds.

The morning groups were:- PK, Pedro & Noz / Donk, Millers & Greggs / The Cat, Boycie & Mike PK kicked off the day hitting the “spitfire” safely down the right-hand side of the fairway.

A good mornings golf with the winners of each group gaining 5 ranking points and seeded in separate groups in the afternoon were, Pedro, Donk & Mike

A quick ham egg and chips and gluten free option for Noz for lunch (and maybe a pint for some) before the afternoon 18 holes proper took place. However on the way to the tee PK gets a free grip for his 5 wood from the guy offering one free grip. Noz queues and get his 7 iron re-gripped but when Greggors tries to get his brand new driver re-gripped asking “which is the dearest one he can get free he was duly informed by said guy that he was only doing 7 irons – I wonder why/how Greggors managed to alienate the guy when all he wanted was the most expensive free new grip on his brand new driver!!! Miller’s then has to pay £5 to get his club re-gripped as no more free grips.

Anyhow we all moved onto the first tee with Greggors still not impressed with not getting his free grip. The groups for the first round proper were:- Boycie, Greggs & Pedro / Millers Noz & Mike / Donk, Martin & PK

Unfortunately for Pedro he seemed to have lost the game he had in the morning but it was a close game between Greggs and me with both having a chance coming up the last. We both hit good drives away and were sitting on the fairway but Greggs is about 20 yards further than me. I hit a monster 5 iron on to the green just 12 feet away putting the pressure back onto Greggs. Greggs creamed his 5 iron as well and thought he’d gone through the green only to find he was in the front greenside bunker. H managed to get out but never made par leaving me two puts for par and win the group.

A quick drink whilst we await the others before a quick turnaround into the final groups. The first group out was all those who came third in their groups –Martin, Pedro & Mike (two of the morning round winners) playing for 5 ranking points The second group out the runners up of the groups –Greggs, Millers & PK playing for 10 ranking points

The final group being the winners of the groups and so gaining 5 ranking points and now playing for 15 ranking points the captains ring, shield and envelope with cash out of the captains own pocket, in his own words to make up for having to change the date. – Boycie, Donk & Noz

It can be said that it had been a long day and that there wasn’t some of the best golf played in the final group and Noz, who had already won 2 competitions this year and was looking for his 3rd win was clearly feeling the heat and tiring and struggled with his driving. It was a close game where I did get into a quick lead but was pulled back by Donk at the half way stage but I managed to keep ahead and at the 8th hole I sealed the win which meant we were all free to have a go for the longest drive.

None of us actually managed to challenge and so we picked up our drives and walked back to the clubhouse for a well-deserved drink and the presentation.

Winners of the other groups were Martin who appeared to bring his A game to score 30 out of a possible 36 points when beating Mike and Pedro for 5 ranking points. PK beat Millers and Greggs in the second group for 10 ranking points.

Overall the ranking points won were:- Pedro 5, Donk 5+5=10, Mike 5, Noz 5, Marty 5 PK 10 and overall winner yours truly Boycie 5+15=20

The winner Boycie winning the Captains ring, Shield £15.00 and captain’s personal envelope.

The Shark £5.00 and the Dog £5.00 went to Marty the cat

The Return of the Mindtwist

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It is important to record, because I didn’t last year, that the erstwhile sponsor of this 2nd year event has provided his rules of battle.


Here’s the rules etc for the Mind Twist: It is essentially a Texas scramble with a few twists.

Royal Widney Manor has been chosen for good reason. It suits and supports this flag hunting, exciting, low team scoring format very well indeed.

How it works:

1. Teams are selected via a draw made just prior to first tee off – will be ideally 4 golfers could be 3 versus 4 depending on Pedro.

2. Your team handicap is your total WHV handicaps added up, divided by 4 and them 3/4 of that number – this will be worked out and given to you prior to tee off.

3. All golfers tee off on every hole – in any order decided on by the team.

4. The team select the best drive (maybe longest or maybe best position) and all play second shots from that position.

5. The golfer who hit the shot to that point marks the location with a tee peg and plays first from that point as the ball lays.

6. Other team members place 6 inches around that spot no nearer the hole and play their shots.

7. This is repeated, including for putts, until every hole is completed.

8. When all hitting to the green, the team are under no obligation to select the closest putt, any one can be selected. The selected putt is marked, the player who hit to that point putts first then the others hit putts from that point in an order they chose until the hole is competed.

9. Teams must record their gross and net scores for each hole, totalling overall net score in the usual way.

10. The winning team will have the lowest net score overall and be the Miller Mind twist champions.

Prize Structure:

1. £5 entry per golfer covers 2 individual £5 prizes for nearest the pin on the 3rd and the 17th.

2. All prize money left will be split amongst the winning team – probably £15 per golfer

3. Prizes courtesy of the sponsor, in addition to the above, will be:

  • A beautiful commemorative badge to each winning player to be worn in La Manga at all times
  • £5 for every par 4 green hit with a drive (just hit at some point, not held) to be noted by each hole and split amongst the team. This is one £5 per hole per group maximum, even if 2 golfers in a team hit a par 4 green on the same hole.
  • £5 for the team split equally for every gross eagle scored
  • £1 as above for every gross birdie scored

After too long in the Wilderness – the President is pleased to win his own team event

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Cracking photo too, although Bruce clearly isn’t feeling as hyped as the other lads, or Tom’s new non-Jimenez barnet


On Tour – 58 Venues in 100+ Events

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I was doing something in google maps and realised it had been a while since I had updated the WHV Tour Map.

This is where we’ve played, apart from Portugal. Interesting to note that we’ve never been further north than Chester.

Updates Ahead of the PEDRO Skins

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The handicaps are up to date on the site – Boyce is up to 17, Noz is down to 23 – apart from that we are as you were.

I took the opportunity on the train to update the asset tracker – please have a look and update me if I have the detail wrong, or if you know of an asset that isn’t being tracked…

Also, do we want, where possible, to assign a replacement value to the items – which are all pretty much priceless, obviously, but the stewards should be aware of the financial impact that intentional damage or negligence might result in? I have provided an initial view based on google-ing similar items.

Constitutional Amendments: Handicaps – The Kerr Bandit and Honourable Huge Amendments

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As communicated via WhatsApp earlier this week, the Captain is notifying members of one minor and one major amendment to section T9 – Handicaps – of the WHV Constitution.

Firstly – the new member maximum – “the Kerr Bandit Amendment”;


New members handicaps will be allocated based on the information supplied by the introducing member, to a maximum value of 24. If this handicap proves to be lenient, the introducing member will be penalised as will the new member suitably as agreed by the Board.

Secondly – the dual handicap recognition – “the Honourable Huge Amendment” – which is entirely new;


Any WHV member who is also a member of a golf club is expected to declare their maintained CONGU handicap to the Captain, who will record detail of it in the WHV Handicap System. Members with a WHV and CONGU handicap will contest events on the lower of the two handicaps. The WHV Handicap System will record both values independently to ensure that any WHV handicap adjustments for victories, late match reports or other imposed penalties are appropriately accounted for. If a member is found not to have declared his latest CONGU handicap to the Captain and that has resulted in an advantage for that member, then the Board will consider an appropriate penalty, which may include, but is not limited to, the removal of WHVRPs and victories from the member.


It is the view of the Captain that both of these amendments have been discussed extensively and accepted without need for a formal meeting and vote of the society. If any member has cause for concern with these amendments, they should address them directly to a board member.

The Captain also notes that many members have been honourable in observing the previously unwritten expectations now enshrined in T9.16 and thanks them on behalf of the Society for their honesty. This amendment has been named after Huge for his insistence on playing off his strict club handicap at WHV Opens generally, like a gentleman (on the course, if not romantically), rather than taking delight in having a few extra (in his case 10) shots per round.

Note that the overall 2017 update of the WHV Constitution to reflect activities and shenanigans from the past 5 years – such as the abolition of the position of Tour Director – is an ongoing activity that will be communicated here.

The WHV Handicaps ahead of the 2017 Brissle will be updated immediately (or after a spot of breakfast) to recognise T9.16


Not long til Burnham & Berrow.

Handicap Movements for the TD Memorial

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We’ve had a bit of action on the handicaps after the Spittle – most likely for penalties expiring and for good rounds dropping off the list

Mike – up 1 to 21

President – up 2 to 25

Gregs – up 2 to 24

More evidence of the high standard of golf in the society….Handicaps are here

WHV 100 – Return to the Winner’s Circle for Noz

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Earlier than expected given there’s a big opportunity at the end of the season, but Noz is back – his last win was at Wokefield Park. Joining the club of sponsor winners, he now has the honour of drinking from the Munich throughout Manga. Here is his match report.

5 years is a long time in the wilderness, a really long time. Jesus only spent 40 days there and people still talk about it today. Thats not to say that my achievement in winning the Spittle Shield outshines Jesus, Jesus fasted for 40 days as well whereas I enjoyed (without sharing) a very tasty Creme egg on the 9th and also a bottle of diet pepsi.

Its been a strange 5 years for me and I’m sure most people will find it hard to believe that such a competitive golfer’s last win was the Claret Jug in 2012. Of course, there have been many other notable successes in that time, winning Nozzers hulk twice, a Saturday hulk in Devon, second place in the Kent CJ to an unflappable Boyce and a second in the Cleobury Mortimer matchplay through a holed 3 foot putt by Little Nellly on the final hole. I would never blame my children for ruining my golf game over the last few years – but it is their fault. I’m intent on getting back on track this year and playing more often and getting back to a reasonable handicap.

We lined up in what was, for a Saturday in February, thoroughly decent weather. Relatively calm, relatively warm and just a really nice day to play golf. But of course we didn’t, it was cold, it was windy, it was wet and it was totally Millers fault. We actually lined up on the Sunday in a freezing weatherbomb of gale force winds because Millers was in Newcastle on the Saturday. He wasn’t though, he was in Solihull and a bit busy, so Rob didn’t play (riding his pushbike), Bruce missed Hannahs birthday and Pete had to get back to London late on a Sunday evening. I’m assuming he has personally apologised to all the people he inconvenienced because I’ve not seen anything on the numerous whatsapp groups he bombards with his unique brand of “humour”.

16 turned up for the Spittle Shield – a record for what historically is the worst tournament on the calendar. The 3 club challenge was abandoned this year, as, for the first time, we were actually playing  a decent course. I’ve always enjoyed the Arden course having played there on a few occasions with Mattie Pea when he worked there and hadn’t gone completely weird, and a chap called Trevor before he started emailing me to sign petitions to ban gay marriage. I’ll probably take us back there provided I can continue getting a decent price for a round in February.

The fun started on the 1st tee, Donk did ok with the spoon, Peds and Ron had negotiated an interesting bet with odds of 4/1  that Peds couldn’t beat Ron gross on a single hole. Peds spanked it down the middle of the fairway, and Ron overcome with nerves topped it about 100 yards. We couldn’t really see how the rest of the hole played out, but Ron made his par and held his nerve for the rest of the round to win the bet.

I was out with Bruce, PK and new man JP (one of 2 introductions from PK, the other being Stav). We all played ok – I put together a decent 18 on the front 9. A little trip to the range on the Saturday seemed to help as I managed to continue my driving where I left off last year, hitting a pretty decent length, reasonably straight with my new (Gregs’s old) totally masculine, mans driver.

Bruce won the shark on  the eighth playing into a strong headwind, and then took great delight in telling me how poor my club selection was – backing up the slightly pretentious whatsapp statement from Donk a few days later about how most of WHV don’t know how far they can hit their own clubs.

The back 9 was more troublesome, the weather got worse and a couple of poor shots from around 60-70 yards cost me blobs on 2 holes that should have been at least 2 pointers. On the 18th I was sure I’d lost it, but thought I might have a chance if I could get a par. I took a 4 in the end and was pleased to get over the water but the 2 points was just enough to get me to 31 points and take the win.

Longest drive was won by Miller, who knocked it a yard past Bruce, who had knocked it 2 yards past Ron. There was a stewards enquiry on the 18th for the second nearest the pin with very little to choose between Bruce and Millers. Boyce eventually made the call and gave it to Bruce over his good mate Miller. Probably karma after Miller had ruined everyone elses day.

A decent day out and opener to the season, its back to a lower quality course for the next one (the April fools day Gibbon) and then off to the 25th best course in England at the end of April and then the PEDRO skins in May.

2017 – New Year, New Members

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PK continues his mission to swell the members of WHV. Meet Stavros and JP – who both come with names that don’t seem to need WHV amendment to something random.

Both started off the new 2017 Debut Member cap of 24 – which meant that one was last, and and one would have won if he played off the cap suggested by the introducing member, saved again from having to see off a punishment.

Starting 2017 – WHV Asset Tracker

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It does exist, I took on that role as well – makes sense for me to do it. That responsibility has moved in the updated draft of the Constitution (almost ready to distribute, subject to Branson offering decent wifi on his expensive trains…)

Here is where I think our treasures are – let me know if you think differently, or currently have stewardship of something we believe to be of value to the membership and therefore owned by us – not you!