Provided in good time, but with delays as a result of WD being busy, and also to wind Noz up. Photos by the Donk (click on any to see bigger).
Bacon gets the Horn
If someone had told me that Ron would have been giving me the horn at about 7pm on Sunday 15 May 2011, I’d probably have slapped them across the face with my golf glove and asked them outside for a few rounds of Marquis of Queensbury approved bare-knuckle boxing. But hey! That’s exactly what happened at about 7pm on Sunday 15 May 2011 and I couldn’t have been happier about it.
Now, this has led me to question certain aspects of my lifestyle but I have arrived at a happier place as a result of that process and my beautiful wife is noticeably happier with the size of my horn. She is often getting it out and giving it a rub and sometimes she even gives it a quick blow. Happy days!!
Anyway, enough of my personal issues, let’s talk about the 2011 WHVGS Brissle Open. This year it wasn’t actually held in Brissle, Idiot instead got himself relatively organised in time and organised the first major of the year at the Rolls of Monmouth course, which not surprisingly is in Monmouth, which is just about in Wales, but in reality is far too nice a course to be Welsh. Idiot had arranged a full day that included breakfast, lunch and 27 holes of golf. Not only that, he’d also organised beautiful weather. Is there anything that Idiot can’t redesign for the better?
The actual action had actually begun on the Friday night in The Vaults when Nozzer whacked £10 on me to win with BetRon. Happily for Noz, BetRon was slightly inebriated at the time and he was given amazing odds of 6-1. Noz was very happy with this as he saw it as a win-win. If I didn’t continue my winning streak he would be over-joyed, however, if I did win he would be picking up £70 from BetRon. I already felt the pressure beginning to sit heavily on my shoulders.
After a 3-car convoy down to Monmouth we arrived in the car park of a very impressive and imposing Victorian mansion. It then took us a further 20-odd minutes to actually find the bar and our breakfast.
However, before we were able to tuck into breakfast we had to listen to Idiot recounting his family history to one of the club members. Apparently, the Brissle Horn is a very precious family heirloom, given that they are all major members of the local ‘hunt’, that has been passed down the Idiot family tree for the past 100-odd years. We were all very surprised by this insight as we were under the impression that it had been picked up at a Bristol car boot sale for about 3 quid.
Anyway, after listening to these shenanigans, breakfast was waiting for us and we tucked in to some very nice, high bacon to bread ratio, bacon baps. Continuing on the food front, we also had to pick lunch, which was a straight decision between ham, egg & chips and a steak baguette. The majority went for the obvious option of ham, egg & chips while the more select amongst us, Ron, Pal O’ Onions and myself went for the steak baguette option. Already I was feeling superior to most of my contempories. Enough of the food trash talk.
Idiot then proceeded to tell us about the plans for the day. We had a 9-hole warm up in the morning followed by the 18-hole Brissle Open. It was at this point that there was a major “discussion’ around whether the 9-hole warm up should have tour ranking points attached to it. Noz as normal was attempting to wind up the board members that were present and as normal it was working. At the end of the discussion it was agreed that there would be no ranking points attached – the correct decision as far as I am concerned, especially as I then went out and played like a pillock in the morning. I would of course wanted there to be ranking points if I had played in any way decently.
However, there was some excellent play in the morning and the Web Donk won with a score of 23 points from 9 holes and “Juice” came in second with 21 points from 9 holes.
After lunch and the far superior steak baguette option we again sidled off to the 1st tee to start the Brissle Open. As is the tradition at the Brissle Open, the choosing of the groups was accompanied by a good blow on the Brissle Horn, this year that honour fell to Aust. I was grouped in the 2nd four with Web Donk, Idiot and the President. Web Donk was promising Noz to get his “mind-games’ working early and I was just trying to get going and stop thinking about the poo that I so obviously needed.
After 3 holes there had been some amazing scoring in the first group as Ads had started like a whirlwind and was already on 11 points. Our group had started far more steadily and had proceeded with a fair amount of “docker-shocking” language from Idiot. On the 6th, Idiot pushed an iron from the tee off in to the left rough and Donk and myself proceeded to help him try and find it, which we duly did. At that point Idiot asked me to throw him his 3-iron. Now you may think that this shouldn’t cause too many problems and you’d be right. What you wouldn’t have allowed for was the girliest throw ever resulting in Idiot’s 3-iron landing 20 feet up a tree. As I recoiled from the thought that I will never make the Olympic javelin throwing team, I thought I’d better get some masculine approval back and climb the bloody thing. Having been brought up in the “hood” in Leicester, I didn’t see any trees until I was in my late 20s and moved to Solihull, but by God I climbed that tree as if my life depended on it and by the look on Idiot’s face, it probably did. The 3-iron recovered, I climbed down had a couple of ibuprofen (other pain-killing pills are available) and got on with my round.
After the excitement of the sixth, my golf continued on its steady way and I ended the first 9 on 19 points, which was a vast improvement on my morning’s golf. In fact the front 9 ended on a real high for me, as much to the disgust of my playing partners, I chipped in for a par from a deep greenside bunker.
The back 9 continued in pretty much the same vein for me, I hit most of the fairways with my tee shots, I putted pretty well and I continued to score well. (I also won the big dog on the 17th.) So well that coming to the 18th tee I obviously had a good chance of another win. I then hit the green with my tee shot and 2 putted for a par and 3 points, giving me a total of 37. It wasn’t until we walked off the green that I realised how close it had been, as Ads had finished on 36 points and would have beaten me on count-back if we had tied. As normal there was then a wait to see if anyone could beat me and Nozzer came very close scoring 35 points. But luckily for me no one did beat my score and I was duly announced the 2011 Brissle Open Champion and as you have previously heard, I was awarded the Brissle Horn. It was a good day.
The official payouts of the event were as follows:
Morning Session – 1st and winning £10 was Web Donk, the 2 Sharks were won by Noz and Millers each wining £2.50 and the 2 Big Dogs were won by Millers and Bruce, both winning £5.
The Brissle Open – 1st with 37 Points and winning £20 was Bacon, 2nd with 36 Points and winning £10 was Ads. The Big Dog and £5 went to Bacon and the Shark and £5 went to Bruce. BetRon also made substantial payouts to Nozzer and Millers.
Finally, the final 3 whv.com ball markers were also given out and they went to Ads, Aust and Bruce.
Congratulations to all the winners and see you all on June 25 for the Player’s Rep’s Skins. Bacon.
More photos from the day
Bacon neglected to mention the following harrowing incident – no words are required
Also, just to illustrate Rob’s luck throughout the day – check out this lie on the 10th
