With some creative character replacement to keep it just a little bit clean – all of the spelling is as provided.
Miller Sweep is on Again, Again!
Miller retains Spittle Shield to set up clean sweep, again.
The sense of ground hog day, deja vue is so palpable that this match report is being cut and pasted up over the 2012 version. Another emphatic performance, another WHV curtain raiser, another Miller victory. All becoming a little predictable really.
The start of a WHV season used to be synonymous with rain, mud and ringing tills but now the steady beat of Miller’s crunching swing singles a new year. Same old story though, Miller on top to set up the clean sweep.
Questioned on his stunning feat and on becoming only the second ever WHVer to retain a tour title, Miller was his usual, magnanimous self:
“I was so confident that I didn’t even bother to bring the Spittle Shield Stein thingy with me today. No point ferrying it here and back when the result was never in doubt from the off.”
So does the same apply to the President’s special belt buckle that you also won last year and have similarly forgotten to bring with you today?
“errr, yes, kind of, I think I remember that, it must be on the floor of my garage somewhere. Solihull Council would never accept that as recycling would they anyway? Hopefully”
On arrival at Stonebridge the long-suffering WHV faithful were informed that the usual, accepted and to be honest minimum fecking standard acceptable practice of coffee and bacon sarnie on arrival had been somewhat changed. In fact it had been substituted for a new practice of “my wife will specially prepare a bacon sarnie for the biggest ar5e jockey-c0cksucker-bellend-sh1tecake in the society and the rest of you can go hang” approach from Noz.
Nice work and so to the first tee. GambleGibbon had been noticeably quiet before the event, possibly related to the ridiculous shenanigans and toy throwing antics of the former Admin Chimp / TD. Happily GambleGibbon was to make a spectacular and hugely costly return in the not too distant future.
Having hit an opening drive that was very lucky not to be in the semi frozen driving range lake, Miller managed to put a 7 iron to within 12 feet. At this point Ronnie felt it pertinent to place a bet on Miller and weighed in with 5 english sterlings at 9/2. A 3 putt later and the price looked very generous indeed.
Not to be put off though Miller completed the front nine in fine style with 22 points. The only surprise was the close proximity of Juice and Donk, both within a point at this stage, Miller said:
“Unusual really, I’m so used to being away and clear at this stage. Very surprised, but not as surprised as being greeted by around 2,000 other golfers all teeing off on the 9th along with us.”
Which then led to some of the most ridiculous and farcical scenes in the society’s history. The next few holes were characterised by half hour waits, 5, 6, and even at one stage 9 ball groups playing holes together. Even for WHG quite a stretch and the resulting scoring took a significant tumble.
Miller was unperturbed and once normality had been resorted, he managed to complete the last 5 holes in 1 under the course to return 42 points and win by 3 shots from Donk in second and Juice in third. Summing up his victory Miller stated:
“Obviously all 9 of us completing holes together is not ideal when you have a good round going, I’m just glad that I coped with this ridiculousness better than Donk and Juice. Class golf and ball stricking will out I guess. I’m also glad that this victory has resulted in GambleGibbon taking another livelihood threatening pounding*”
When asked for their take on proceedings, Juice and Donk gave very honest answers:
“Obviously Miller is a tremendous, sensual, considerate, kind, skilful and sensitive lover, sorry we mean golfer, however, having to wait for the President of the society, letting another group through, while he ran all over the course in search of some society tatt that he had misplaced did not help our rhythm and games.”
On the financial side Miller was still not happy, pointing out that the dog and shark “boll0cks” nets the same as the event winner, and that after purchasing 3 pints of San Miguel at £3.60 a pop in the club house he was, despite winning, now 80p out of pocket on the day. When it was pointed out that he was now on the Board and in direct control of such matters, Miller stated:
“Yes, about that. I was under the impression that gay night in the Vaults required me to dress up as a combination of Tinkerbell the Winter Fairy, Andrew Ridgley and that lesbian from Geordie Shore. I was therefore distracted as they voted through a continuation of the usual robbing nonsense whilst the new admin chimp Butters just sat there eating bananas and writing things down. I did get a couple of phone numbers though.”
*When combined with some on course nearest the pin betting GambleGibbon was £43.50 down on the day to a single punter, Rocket Ronnie. Nice.
Excellent Report. Well done Millers and Gamble Gibbon