From Beautiful Bastard Boyce (written in an unusual style that deliberately challenges the reader by mixing up the tense and active voice)
6th August 2022
The Donk Download 2022 is all set to return to The Welcome Golf Club, in Stratford upon Avon and Millers has merged the event with the Miller’s Mindtwist and as such has kindly done all the arranging for this year’s event, even sending numerous messages to all participants of the urgency to reimburse him the event costs, direct into his account, as he has fully paid for everyone!!!
It is due to be another fine hot sunny day and Miller’s joins Catto and I in the Cat’s truck to the venue. It seems Miller’s has managed to strain his back weightlifting (after ignoring advice not to do weights) and winces over every bump on the way to the venue. The three of us arrive in plenty of time and the Cat is driving extremely slowly over the sleeping policemen to protect Miller’s back only to get the horn from a red car behind which is about to get some abuse when it is realised it’s just Noz thinking Catto doesn’t know he is driving a truck.
We get inside the club to find Idiot (Robbie) and Little Nelly (Neil) inside a room that has been set-aside for the Paul Milmore Society, what? Not for the WHV Golf Society, is that discredoration?
We enjoy a bacon roll and head to the first tee and all wait for Millers to throw the balls up, to sort the groups out in the usual way. He just about manages to throw them all out of his cap and the groups are decided;
Group 1 – Pickle/HiO (Jon), Catto (Martin), Millers (Paul), Dreamy (Dennis)
Group 2 – Little Nelly (Neil), Donk (Simon), Noz (William), Idiot (Robbie)
Group 3 – Boyce (Steve), Bacon (Mike), Woolly (Paul), Greggs (Chris)
Our group is evenly handicapped with Bacon, Woolly and Boyce off 15 and Greggs the low boy of the group off 11.
The first is a par 5 and the first two groups tee off in the glorious sunshine soon followed by our group. Despite going into the bunker off the tee I still manage to make par as does Mike, with Woolley a 6 and Greggs a 7. That seems to set the pattern for the first 9 including the 6th hole which is the shark hole. By the time we reach it no one in the previous two groups has hit the green!! Greggs goes first and hits the green but his ball just rolls off to left, Mike pulled his shot left and then Woolley hit the green and was looking good for the shark until Boyce also hits the green and is just inside him to win the shark. Boyce then proceeded to hit his 20ft birdie putt a wee bit firmly but fortunately for him straight into the pin and into the hole for the birdie. Not so lucky for Woolley who 3 putts for a four.
We reach the halfway hut and Woolley is on 11, Greggs is on 12, Bacon is on 14 and Boyce (me) is on 21 points without a blob.
The hot warm sunny weather has remained but does mean the course is busy and going is slow, however this does mean we often see group 2 waiting on the next tee.
On one occasion we catch up with them and Idiot (Rob) is lying on the floor, in the shade, with his phone out showing Noz an app he has on his phone which tells you the name of the bird that is singing/tweeting. Noz is looking quite intrigued.
Millers has also been seen to what can only be described as looking as though he is praying to Mecca for assistance.
Back to the golf and the 2nd nine. Following our stop at the halfway house to get a drink or some chocolate. I have a nice Peroni but then proceed to hit my drive into the trees and take a 7 on the 10th and my first blob. I get back to scoring steadily, as does Greggs, who seems to suddenly find his game after also taking 7 on the 10th.
We reach the 18th tee, the Dog hole, and the marker is still on the Tee and we wonder if someone has forgotten to take it to mark the longest drive. Alas that was not the case and despite his moaning about not catching the drive correctly Greggs is the only person who manages to keep his ball on the fairway and by default, he wins the Dog and he makes birdie to score 19 points from the 11th hole to score 31 points overall.
Mike comes back with 11 points and overall, 25 points. Woolley comes back with 13 points and overall, 24 points with yours truly 15 points on the back 9 with a total 36 points and the win.
Full Result
1st Boyce 36 points and wins back-to-back Downloads and defends his title (£15)
2nd Noz 32 points (£10)
3rd Greggs 31 points (£5)
4th Donk 31 points
5th Nelly 28 points
6th Idiot 27 points
7th Dreamy 27 points
8th Miller 27 points
9th Catto 25 points
10th Butters 25
11th Woolly 24 points
12th Pickle 21 Points
Boyce won the shark (£5) and made the birdie
Greggs won the Dog (£5) the only person on the fairway, and made the birdie.
The captain announces the scores as usual in reverse order and once Boyce is announced as the winner, Millers decides to change who wins what prizes he has and gives the bottle of red wine to 2nd placed Noz and the blues paraphernalia (which had been donated by HiO Jon some time ago) to Boyce, along with a plastic trophy, he has found in his loft the day before, which he has carefully removed the plaque from.
Unfortunately, he drops the trophy whilst handing it to Boyce and it breaks into several plastic pieces, and then proceeds to blame Boyce.
PS. It seems that Idiot missed the presentation due to a sext message he received on the 18th and so had to rush off 😊.
