Captain Picks Up Where He Left Off
It seems that Boyce was right all along. Shocker. Just about keeping up to your handicap will see you in contention at most WHV events. Stating the obvious, but that is his job. And he wasn’t at this event, at his home course – which is scandalous.
Of the previous 9 WHV events, Donk or FFS have won 7 – it’s getting a bit silly – and we often are winning with scores lower than 36. As your Captain, I will continue to provide the advice that Blobs lose events.
Having said that, some of us remember playing Shirley GC for an early event, during some ‘works’ and the abiding image is that of trench warfare. Stonebridge was in marginally better nick than the legendary Passchendale round. Several of the elevated fairways were like a rugby pitch. All tee shots were off mats. And it was rammed full of the usual duffer plumbers and other tattoed boys, so took nearly 5 hours to get round. Still, the weather was decent. And, crucially, it cost less than a pound a hole to play. The adventure golf probably costs more.
We realised it was a gathering of hardy veterans – we’ll all have well over 100 events in the bank, and if I ever get any time to sort out a couple of blank years, I’d be able to see if we had over 1000 events between the six of us. It’s a shame not to have the good new ones like Pickle, but waiting for Finch to find his ball, or Boyce to put his jacket on again is quite refreshing. Oh and Doug had had a trim ahead of his Japanese trip, took years off him.
Having been presented with the decrepit venerable Spoon – the grip is now truly done for and there are splits in the head – I managed to split the fairway and get us underway. Been a while since I’ve played with the Pres, and it took him a while to get going at this event – 2 points through eight holes had us worried about replicating a couple of legenday Brissle efforts, but Spike retains the low man, although I’m pretty confident that Baxter got very close to it around the dunes at Burnham. He kind of turned it around at Stonebridge, with only 2 blobs on the back nine to go with the 7 from the front nine.
We were playing with Shite Mike, and as usual, nothing interesting happening there – I think he got a par and had a handful of blobs on the way to carding 28 points. Finishing 4th I think.
It was good to welcome Bruce back into the fold, and to immediately realise what we were missing – grumbling about handicaps, spraying his ball around like an Iranian missile silo and manufacturing controversy and victimisation. His round looked like the usual mix of pars and blobs, scoring 24, but also birdie on the last.
Our sponsor got 15 out and 15 back to finish in 3rd on 30 points. Couple of pars, couple of blobs. Decent.
The OCD one did well not to lose his mind over the mud, the slow play, the mats and anything else that might have triggered him. Out in 12, back in 19 to card a decent round in the circumstances. He also beat Bruce to the dog in some weird fake scandal of fairway edging that the 3 ball were pleased to explain had been resolved by means of a coin toss. There are pictures and tears, but frankly no one cares.
As the OoM and Jug winner, and having won a couple of other events last year I was starting with a decent chop. Add in my overdue Jug Match Report, I was giving 5 shots to the field against my handicap of 18. I had it on a string though and shot an 82 to score 36. No blobs and almost holed out on the last, walking off with a tap in. I was also the only one to find the green on the Shark – unlike Gregs, who nearly hit Dug and Me with an severely topped or overclubbed effort. Maybe I need to play on bog tracks more often…
I am very happy to be carrying another penalty stroke for another year and considering how to protect the Munich on our weekend in Palma.
It’s Boyce’s turn to win tomorrow, I hope he hates Port – I’ve won the Trinomial back to back and neither of my prizes were a Tawny.
| Player | 2026 Blobs | 2026 Birdies |
| Donk | 0 | 1 |
| Bruce | 5 | 1 |
| Gregs | 3 | |
| Noz | 3 | |
| Shit Mike | 4 | |
| Pres | 9 |
