Match Report from the 2014 Skins

As provided by the PR, Sponsor and Winner

Miller Storms to Victory in his Own Tournament

Pink faces turn red as Miller cleans up at the 2014 premier event, The Players Representative Skins.

All of the thankless hassle associated with organising a WHV event finally paid off for Miller, your illustrious Board Member and official 2014 Players Representative, as he stormed to victory with some truly memorable golf in the PR Skins, his very own event.

Appropriate I hear you say that the most exciting golfer wins the most exciting tournament of the year.  Well, yes.  Very much so.  Stonebridge once again proving to be home from home for Miller who has won all 3 of the last WHV events to be held at this venue.  Typically magnanimous after another great victory on this magical course, Miller stated:

“It is just the same as the Masters and Augusta.  My relationship with this course is steeped in history, tears, and triumph.  Stonebridge is no place for rookies, you need experience.  You need to know where to hit the ball and where not to hit the ball.”

This most cherished of all tour events did not however get off the greatest of starts.  An already meagre turnout, was further reduced at the last minute when Wooly decided to remain half drunk in his scratcher and set about himself rather than enter the event.  Gracious to a fault, Mssr William Spittle has promised to deal with this situation in a firm and resolute manner, obtaining the requisite funds and taking appropriate action.

Whilst Wooly was strangling himself, the rest of the society met up to begin this fabulous event.  Making up for this unscheduled absence, the Society welcomed a couple of bright, new young things in the form of:

Steve “Boycie” Harding, looking resplendent with his Magnum moustache; and

Dave “Ned” Kelley, making it clear from the start that we had to get a move on so he could watch his beloved Arsenal loose to Wigan in seven and a half hours time.

In fact Dave carried on to such a degree about this issue that he has already made a serious play for the ‘Society’s biggest whinging windbag git’ title so amply worn for the last 11 years by Mssr William Spittle.

In order to welcome these new fish into the warm and generous WHV bussom, nervous as they surely must be in such exalted company, Butters stole Dave’s bacon sandwich, sauced it up, and only relinquished it when his fingers were finally prised from the slightly stale bap.  Welcome Dave.  May your career with us prove to be packed full of many more of these selfless acts of generosity from our senior members.

And so to the golf.  With the groups of 3 decided the opening tee shots were struck.  Juice and Donk typically long and straight on the newly modelled opening hole, the rest just happy to get moving.  Especially Ned Kelley who was now nearly having kittens about his daily timings, and Mssr William Spittle who needed 3 of the first tee and then 4 more blows to find the fairway.  Never mind, all good work and leading up to him taking multiple skins off the Donk later in the round and paving the way for a famous Miller victory.

Such was the quality of the ensuing golf that this has to be the first event in WHV history that neither the shark nor the dog were won at the first time of asking.  Yes that’s right.  No one found the green on the 8^th or the fairway on the 12^th, despite Boycie being the last to drive, taking a 5 iron and missing the 30 yard-wide fairway by 25 yards.  They were hastily re-arranged and then these traditionally pointless distractions were won by Donk with a 245 yard drive on the 16^th and the TD who was nearest the pin on the 17^th.

It wasn’t all plain sailing for the boy Miller on his way to a glorious victory.  Some very erratic golf on the front nine, including 3 no returns, was tempered with a triple skin roll up victory on the 5^th.  Unashamed Miller stated:

“Simple.  Play to the rules of this fabulous format.  Let the lesser players scrap it out, halving holes, and then step in at the right time dropping a 30 foot birdie putt to clean up.  Marvellous.”

By the 9^th Miller had found his game, a tap in par gave him 4 skins on the front nine, and then a level par blitz over the next 6 holes, winning all the skins, was enough to win at a canter.  Just as well and 2 more no returns and a bogey followed on the final 3 holes as Ned and Boycie scrapped it out for the minor honours in the winners group.  Gracious in defeat they both stated:

“Paul is a master sportsman.  He proves it every week on the dart board.  It is no surprise to either of us that he is brilliant at golf too.  Such fabulous sporting talent is rare, we are both honoured to have had the privilege of sharing this round with his genius.  Even more remarkable is that this sporting genius is accompanied and complimented by his kind and gentle nature, so unassuming, such a wonderful, caring and sensitive young man.  A real pleasure to know.”

Commenting on his victory the man of the hour stated:

“Just coincidence that Boycie and Ned were both in my group.  That’s the way the balls fell.  Really.  Everybody saw.  At least the ones that were there did.  I think.”

And the fact that they both played well below par allowing you to win your own tournament despite playing very ropey golf at times yourself?

“Another coincidence.  Obviously.”

What about changing the rules after the event by not allowing the dog or the shark to count as skins and therefore preventing Donk from winning?

“Well, they aren’t skins are they?  That is why they have different names.  If we followed Donk’s logic on this, then we may as well count the sausage, bean and cheese melt a skin.  Actually I think that was made of skin so that might be a bad example, but you know what I mean.”

So in the end the final placings, subject to the usual wrangling, griping, appeals and fines processes were:

Victor, man of the hour, top boy, champion, Johnny Big Nut & 2014 PR Skins Championne Supreme:

1^st:  Miller with £15.50 in SKINS prize money

2^nd:  Nelly K with £14.25

3^rd:  Donk with £13.50

Big Dog:  Donk £5

Shark:  Gregs £5

Related Stuff:

• Miller Life – Insert Caption
• Overdue Match Report Publication – The 2015 Spittle Shield
• She Does Exist
• The Rise of the Wolfspider
• From the Desk of the Players Rep

Tags: Millers