Because he’d written the match report within minutes of getting home, or possibly even from Boycie’s motor, I have seen fit to leave it a while before putting Milmore’s crowing nonsense on my website.

He played well, again, with three bats – much better than he has ever played with a full bag. He also managed to win his second EVER spot prize. Despite being one of our ‘better’ players – he’s never won the Dog, and this was his only his second Shark – shameful really, despite seven victories on tour.

Anyway, here is his drivel – and an interesting confession from his email to the President and I about the Stein


Miller Owns the Spittle Shield

Another year, another victory, all so familiar as Miller romps home by a country mile in the Spittle Shield yet again.

And so another WHV golfing year dawns to the oh so familiar sound of yet another resounding Miller victory in the Spittle Shield.  Only the weather and the hand of god himself can prevent Miller from winning this event it seems.  Victories in 2012, 2013 and now in 2015 confirm the dominance of the young golfing sensation in this event.

Three victories in a row, only spoilt by the weather related wash out in 2014 mean that Miller quite literally now owns the Spittle Shield.  Victory for the debonair and handsome golfer was made all the sweeter for Miller as the venue for this years event was the Abbey Hotel Golf Club, scene of the disgraceful abandon your mates in the pouring rain debacle at the close of the 2014 WHV season.

Asked how he felt, Miller was quick to allude to this horrendous incident:

“Yes, it was great to win.  Just another large slice of the usual.  Easy.  I was surprised that anyone had bothered to stick around this time.  I suppose it wasn’t raining so the ladies decided to tough it out.”

Amidst golfing conditions reminiscent of the mud bath, Passchendaele type quagmire that the Tour Director forced us all to ensure in middle of re-modelling work at Shirley Golf Club a few years ago, 2015 got underway for the current crop of likely lad members.

A notable absence at this 2014 WHV curtain raiser was the esteemed Tour Director, who has prioritised parading around hotel swimming pools in skimpy speedos that he has sh@t in, rather than enjoy some free time with his mates.  Never mind.  The photos on Whatsapp more than compensate for the absence of this WHV legend.  It also gave the boys chance to chat to Curt in a normal and rational way about his upcoming stag do.

It was a welcome return to the WHV fold for Mr Curtis Lanman who quickly treated the boys to an early taste of what we have been missing by bizarrely loosing his mash in a sandwich format issue.  Curt refused to believe that he might get his breakfast sarnie in the format of a bap, and threatened to throw any such circular type format straight back at the Abbey Hotel staff should they be so ridiculously stupid as to serve one up to him.  Fortunately he got flat and square bread and we could all move on to the first tee.

As normal this year’s Spittle Shield was a 3 clubs plus your putter format.  Commenting Miller stated:

“I’ve always had a winning formulae – THC + MDMA + Vodka = a great time”

err yes but what about the golf?

“oh yeah, driver, 7 iron, and pitching wedge.  Simple.  Same as always.  Same result.  I win by miles.  Some boys had sand wedges, 8 irons, lob wedges that kind of nonsense.  Crazy.  You need length off the tee and can’t be messing around with too lofty clubs.  Conditions are all wrong.”

A great round from Millers, 17 points front 9, 18 back, and a victory by 8 points from Donk (who also won the Dog) in second on 27 points and Bacon in 3rd on 26 points.  Commenting on some stunning approach play by playing partner and WHV President Dougal Baxter, Miller was magnanimous:

“They were some sparkling approach shots to kick in distance.  I’m happy for him.  It’s about time his game had some light at the end of the tunnel, and on all of those holes he had at least 5 shots before the approaches to warm up.”

Apart from the 16th when he nearly canned his 3rd shot, a 5 iron from 175 yards away,

“OK, so how many points did he get?  Eh?  And I birdied that hole.”

It was a fabulous victory for the brightest of bright WHV tour star Millers, but it was nearly ruined by poor / non-existent course signage and ridiculous behaviour from playing partners Donk and Dug.  Donk marched the group straight onto the 16th tee, explained the long and dog leg nature of the hole to his playing partners, and set us all away on the hole.  The only problem being that the group had just stepped off the 10th Green.  So a Donk and Abbey Hotel induced blob for the whole group.

Not wanting to detract from his victory Miller stated:

“It was a nice try by Donk, but to be honest I could have played 14 holes and still won.  Really.  Do the maths.  I won by 8 shots, divided by holes and points and that, makes sense.  Next year that might be a good idea to make this event more competitive.  You know, make me play less holes, or with less clubs, or naked or something.”

Once more the Stein was forgotten by Millers, as it was forgotten in 2013 and it did not appear on the 2013 and 2014 CJs.  It is in the possession of young man and will be on a night out very shortly to confirm its existence.

To sum up events Miller added:

“Marvellous.  I carded four 3s today, 10 points in the last 3 holes, and even won the shark.  Business as usual.”

No word on the financial aspects of today’s event?

“No.  £45 for 1 round, a total soaking, no food and £5 winnings is great value”


Boycie hiding his shame for ordering a cappucino and a toasted teacake for his post round snack – ignoring beers and burgers


Resplendent in the Green Jacket – which he thought he might have to play in


Course was in beautiful condition


Curt looking shifty. Perhaps some nonce had suggested serving him with a bap instead of proper fecking bread, man.


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